Thursday Jokes: December 30th

Ghislaine Maxwell was convicted on sex trafficking charges, and faces up to 65 years in prison. She’s already put the finishing touches on a 50-page instruction manual for her visitors, and anyone giving her a jailhouse massage.

Vladimir Putin requested a phone call with Joe Biden and Biden accepted. They’re expected to discuss Russian troop buildup on the Ukraine border, and if Biden kept a gift receipt for the Yankee Candle he sent for Christmas.

Trucking startup TuSimple – which uses self-driving 18-wheelers to move cargo – successfully completed its first 80-mile test on public roads, hitting just three deer and two hitchhikers, and delivering a two-ton payload of meth to another driverless truck.

Electronics company JLab is selling $20 wireless earbuds in seven different skintone colors, to match the complexion of ethnically diverse users for two weeks until they break because they’re $20 earbuds.

The City of Detroit announced plans to demolish the headquarters of defunct automaker American Motors Corporation. They’ve been delaying it for years because it’s haunted by old Gremlins.

Katy Perry opened her Vegas residency at Resorts World doing an onstage bit where she lactates a Corona beer out of her right breast. Her attempt to lactate a lime wedge out of her left breast failed.

Actor Chris Noth was photographed walking by himself in NYC’s Central Park on Christmas Day, amidst four different allegations of unwanted stocking-stuffing.

A woman’s throat hurt during her flight from New Jersey to Iceland, so she self-tested for COVID and was positive. Flight attendants then kept her in a bathroom for five hours, where the woman said the hardest part was duct-taping herself to the toilet during turbulence.

The U.S. Department of Energy recommends setting your thermostat to 68 degrees during winter months, then turning it down by 7-10 degrees at night. They say this will save you up to 10 percent on energy bills, which you can spend on fixing your marriage.

Viral video shows an 11-month old Chinese baby snowboarding before she can even walk. Her parents say she’s well protected, and that they can tell when she’s filled her diaper because she falls on her back.

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