One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

Ghislaine Maxwell was convicted on sex trafficking charges, and faces up to 65 years in prison. She’s already put the finishing touches on a 50-page instruction manual for her visitors, and anyone giving her a jailhouse massage.

Vladimir Putin requested a phone call with Joe Biden and Biden accepted. They’re expected to discuss Russian troop buildup on the Ukraine border, and if Biden kept a gift receipt for the Yankee Candle he sent for Christmas.

Trucking startup TuSimple – which uses self-driving 18-wheelers to move cargo – successfully completed its first 80-mile test on public roads, hitting just three deer and two hitchhikers, and delivering a two-ton payload of meth to another driverless truck.

Electronics company JLab is selling $20 wireless earbuds in seven different skintone colors, to match the complexion of ethnically diverse users for two weeks until they break because they’re $20 earbuds.

The City of Detroit announced plans to demolish the headquarters of defunct automaker American Motors Corporation. They’ve been delaying it for years because it’s haunted by old Gremlins.

Katy Perry opened her Vegas residency at Resorts World doing an onstage bit where she lactates a Corona beer out of her right breast. Her attempt to lactate a lime wedge out of her left breast failed.

Actor Chris Noth was photographed walking by himself in NYC’s Central Park on Christmas Day, amidst four different allegations of unwanted stocking-stuffing.

A woman’s throat hurt during her flight from New Jersey to Iceland, so she self-tested for COVID and was positive. Flight attendants then kept her in a bathroom for five hours, where the woman said the hardest part was duct-taping herself to the toilet during turbulence.

The U.S. Department of Energy recommends setting your thermostat to 68 degrees during winter months, then turning it down by 7-10 degrees at night. They say this will save you up to 10 percent on energy bills, which you can spend on fixing your marriage.

Viral video shows an 11-month old Chinese baby snowboarding before she can even walk. Her parents say she’s well protected, and that they can tell when she’s filled her diaper because she falls on her back.

The latest Fast & Furious film, ‘F9’, is being delayed from Memorial Day weekend until the end of June, as Fast & Furious producers play it Slow & Rational.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett issued her first majority opinion for the Supreme Court, once she copied it from Clarence Thomas’ handwriting.

Martin Cooper, acknowledged as the inventor of the cellphone in 1973, says the current ‘digital divide’, with 40% of students unable to afford broadband, is unacceptable. “Whatever, grandpa” said poor students.

Nine great apes at the San Diego Zoo were given an experimental COVID-19 vaccine after an outbreak, while apes not getting vaccines wondered what made the nine so great.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan turned down an allocation of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccines, saying the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are better, and besides it’s never been difficult to get shot in Detroit.

Tessica Brown, the ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ who had glue surgically removed from her hair & scalp, had two lumps in her breasts examined, but they were benign. The most difficult part of the exam was ungluing the push-up bra from her chest.

A Tom Brady rookie card sold for $1.32 million – though Brady tried to have the value deflated a little.

The creative team making ‘Space Jam 2’ redrew the Lola Bunny character to make her less sexualized and more strong, with smaller breasts and longer shorts. A disappointed Bugs Bunny then dumped her and is dating Petunia Pig.

Roughly 30,000 Apple Mac computers are infected with ‘Red Sparrow’ malware. It’s unknown what the malware’s full purpose is, but Apple programmers knew it wasn’t theirs because it loaded in under a half-hour.

Off-price retailer Burlington – formerly Burlington Coat Factory – plans to double its 750 locations despite the pandemic. They say their low-income customer base wants more clothes that make them look & feel like they’re still in 2015.

President Trump expelled 60 Russian diplomats from the U.S. as retaliation for Russia’s alleged role in the poisoning of a former spy in the U.K. The diplomats then presented Trump with apology letters from their parents, and he said they weren’t expelled and could go back to class.

A recent survey of 150 doctors, dietitians and personal trainers revealed only 3 knew what happens to fat – it’s converted to carbon dioxide and water – when people lose weight. The same survey of 150 liposuction doctors yielded 148 correct answers and 2 arrests.

Stormy Daniels is suing Trump attorney Michael Cohen for defamation. This is her second defamation lawsuit; she awaits a ruling on a suit filed for incorrectly listing her name as Stormee Daniel in the credits of Ass Blasters 13.

Daniels’ friend, adult actress Alana Evans, told CNN that Daniels kept the dress that she wore to her alleged date with Donald Trump. She also kept a gift card to a Lake Tahoe dry cleaner and a bottle of Shout sent to her from Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

Utah Governor Gary Herbert signed a bill into law that frees parents from liability for letting their children play unsupervised. The “Free Range Kids” bill takes effect May 8th, giving Utah parents plenty of time to equip their kids with guns to ward off predators.

97-year-old retired Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens penned an opinion piece for the New York Times calling for a repeal of the Second Amendment.  Stevens claims that it’s no longer relevant in today’s society, and he should know, since he was in the room when it was signed.

A man attempting to board a Detroit bus with a goat was kicked off, despite the man’s claims that the goat was his service animal, and the goat’s claims that he’s an elected Supervisor for the City of Detroit.

A 27-year-old Arizona school teacher accused of a sexual affair with a 13-year-old student told the judge at her preliminary hearing that she would “love to go home to her husband.” Asked why, she replied “because that’s where we keep the condoms I use for meetings with 13-year-old boys.”

Mark Zuckerberg has decided to testify before Congress, although some lawmakers are skeptical that he’ll show up, since he only replied ‘Interested’ to the event invite.

The National Football League is simplifying its Catch Rule. Once approved by owners and the Competition Committee, the rule goes to thousands of slobs in their parents’ basements for review and opinion.

 

 

Michael Phelps lost his race with a great white shark during an event to kick off Discovery Channel Shark Week. The result is not yet official, since the shark has yet to submit a urine sample.

  • Phelps told Jimmy Fallon he wished he could have swam in the open water instead of a protective cage. The shark agreed.

An alligator was spotted and captured swimming near a pier in Miami Beach. Alligators are fresh water creatures, but experts assume it left for the beach because there are more people to eat there.

Donald Trump dedicated the newest naval aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. Somehow the aircraft carrier received a 35% approval rating in a Washington Post poll.

Reports say Trump has been consulting his legal experts regarding the extent of his Presidential power to pardon. Given the number of family and staff under Federal investigation, “A Thousand Pardons” may go from being an Asian cliche to being Trump’s exit strategy.

Chris Froome won his 3rd consecutive Tour de France. Froome said his title effort took a lot of tainted blood, tainted sweat & tainted tears.

The Department of Labor ordered Wells Fargo Bank to rehire a manager who acted as whistleblower in the company’s fake account scandal, and to pay her $577,500 in back wages. Wells Fargo plans to appeal the ruling and will place the money in six checking accounts that she never asked for.

The robbery of a Fresno CA Starbucks by a man wearing a Transformers mask was foiled when a customer hit him over the head with a chair. The Decepticon was captured and the hero transformed back in to a cappuccino machine.

A Detroit real estate company ad sparked outrage. The Bedrock Detroit outdoor ad with the slogan “See Detroit Like We Do” depicted mostly white people, despite the City of Detroit being 82% black. The ad was removed, and still nobody is all that interested in seeing Detroit.

The Estate of Albert Einstein corrected an Ivanka Trump tweet, which incorrectly attributed a quote “If the facts don’t support the theory, change the facts” to Einstein, even though he never said it. Ivanka replied “there you go, changing the facts.”

Snooty, the world’s oldest manatee in captivity, died just days after his 69th birthday – as the nationwide opioid epidemic claims yet another victim.

Warner Bros and DC Comics announced a Wonder Woman sequel at San Diego Comic Con, after meeting Diana Prince’s demands to be paid ‘Bruce Wayne money’.