A U.S. man claims a bout with COVID shrunk his penis by one-and-a-half inches. His girlfriend believes he may be Patient Zero since it was that size when she met him four years ago.

Google changed the ‘white noise’ played on its Google Nest home speakers, leading to lots of disgruntled noise, mostly from white people.

Internet service in Tonga was interrupted by a tsunami, which locals named ‘Xfinity’.

In the wake of a hostage situation at a Texas synagogue, the FBI warned that faith-based organizations will continue to be targets of violence. “Well, that settles it, I’m done with church” said kids playing video games on Sunday morning.

Supermodel Bella Hadid opened up about her debilitating mental health struggles, which include figuring out how to download Instagram off of the App Store.

Employees at fitness company Peloton say that a sales slowdown and cost-cutting are driving down morale to an all-time low, despite spandex-clad managers yelling “Come on Peloton! You can do it!” dozens of times each day.

Full House actress Jodie Sweetin is getting married for the fourth time. To save money on postage she just handed out the invitations at Bob Saget’s funeral.

Doctors have identified a genetic risk factor for COVID patients who lose their taste & smell – specifically, inheriting the genes of idiot parents who also didn’t want vaccines.

The hedge fund which owns 5% of Kohl’s department store is demanding changes to the executive team and board of directors. The executives regret allowing the hedge fund to accumulate so much Kohl’s Cash.

Hamsters are being euthanized in Hong Kong over COVID fears. The hamsters are attempting to run but aren’t getting further than tubes and large wheels.