Monday Jokes: May 16th

Editor’s Note: No jokes on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, since I’m having some routine medical work done. Thanks for reading & hope you come back soon. cd

McDonald’s is completely shutting down its Russian business operations. Some locations may continue operating without the old name & branding, and will reopen as Gorba-Chef.

Pennsylvania Democrat John Fetterman, candidate for U.S. Senate, was hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke. Republican Dr Mehmet Oz, seeking the GOP nomination, prescribed him green coffee bean extract and acai berries.

Hypotheses are emerging about the cause of mysterious hepatitis cases in children. Right now, the favorite is Lunchables.

A recall was issued for the possiblity of metal strands in bags of Starburst, Skittles & Life Savers gummies. New bags will be relabeled ‘steelies’.

Yale researchers claim to have definitively identified the underlying cause of cancerous tumors, which they announced while smoking cigarettes at noon while shirtless on a sunny beach.

Patients opting for robotic surgery experienced substantially reduced recovery times and readmissions, and nurses appreciated not having to hear human doctors make bad jokes about the patient’s body.

Charleston, South Carolina police were called when residents spotted a six-foot alligator approaching an elementary school. Asked what the gator was doing there, cops said it was waiting for recess to get a free school lunch.

Melania Trump ripped Vogue magazine for bias for never giving her a cover story, while other Democratic first ladies received covers. Melania then rejected an offer for the cover of MILF.

Amber Heard stuck with her story that it was a dog – not her – that pooped in bed, claiming the dog had bowel issues from eating marijuana. Heard said the weed was especially potent, causing her to piss on a fire hydrant and bag her own feces before tossing it in a park trash can.

Travis Scott performed for the Billboard Music Awards. His handlers advised fans not to tell him he ‘crushed’.

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