Five cars rented by Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail burst into flames after they were returned to the Nantucket Airport. Worse, they didn’t pay for the insurance from Hertz.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian finalized their divorce settlement, with West paying $200,000 each month in child support. Kardashian insists the settlement is amicable, but then enrolled their kids in Hebrew school.

Mitch McConnell was called a loser by Donald Trump for saying that Trump’s dinner with anti-Semites Kanye West & Nick Fuentes aren’t the behavior of someone who would be elected President – but it’s probably okay if they’re running for Governor of North Dakota.

San Francisco approved a measure enabling SFPD’s use of remote-controlled robots to apply lethal force when necessary. In other news, SFPD projects a 30% one-week decline in homeless panhandlers.

Dr. Mehmet Oz is reportedly failing in an effort to relaunch his tv show after being defeated in a run for U.S. Senate. In the meantime he’ll launch a newsletter so you can stay abreast of which of supplements will let you poop your way to weight loss.

The Washington D.C. Police Department is reportedly trying to poach Philadelphia police officers by offering a $20,000 hiring bonus. Philly cops are interested, but prefer the bonuses be delivered as cash stuffed in a paper bag behind a Wawa.

Oath Keepers leader Stewart Rhodes was found guilty of seditious conspiracy, and could face decades in prison, where he’ll likely make and keep an oath of monogamy to his cellmate.

Three women will referee a men’s World Cup match for the first time – a huge leap forward in showing a global audience that women can be just as terrible officiating soccer as men.

Developers are planning a supertall skyscraper in Austin, Texas, believed to
be over 980 feet high. From the observation deck, you’ll be able to view more
hipsters at once than anywhere else in the world.

A new experimental drug appears to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s in a
clinical trial. Patients receiving the drug were 75% more likely than a
placebo-control group to recall specific plot points in NCIS and Matlock
episodes.

 

No Jokes Tomorrow – Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! cd

The Supreme Court ruled Congress may obtain Donald Trump’s tax returns. Now they just need to find the H&R Block store in Russia that prepared them.

Ice Cube said he missed out on a $9 million film role because he wouldn’t get the COVID vaccine. Cube argued that he’s a member of NWAA – N**gas With Adequate Antibodies.

Hundreds of workers at Apple’s largest manufacturing plant in China fought with guards over restrictive COVID lockdowns at employee dormitories. No one can figure out how to stop the violence, because all the factory’s Genius Bar employees were knocked out.

Kanye West reportedly showed Adidas employees intimate nude photos of ex-wife Kim Kardashian. He’s accused of showing dozens of people something they’ve already seen dozens of times.

Pennsylvania’s Attorney General received 2,500 complaints about Taylor Swift tickets. They also received a complaint about Ed Sheeran tickets – but that was just a guy mad that his girlfriend bought Ed Sheeran tickets.

Joe Biden extended the freeze on student loan payments until June, giving underemployed grads the flexibility to default on car loans instead.

Georgia GOP candidate for U.S. Senate Herschel Walker declared a primary residence in the state of Texas. “So what?” asked Dr. Oz.

A former Catholic priest in Louisiana pleaded guilty to obscenity charges after filming sex with two female dominatrices on the altar of a church. Asked to explain why he was there with two women, he said he’d given altar boys the night off.

Singer Jordin Sparks joined Kelly Rowland in defense of Chris Brown, whose American Music Awards tribute to Michael Jackson was cancelled. Reached for comment, Brown said “I’d hit that”.

Titanic director James Cameron said he almost didn’t give the lead role of Jack to Leonardo DiCaprio due to DiCaprio’s diva attitude during casting. Cameron admits the movie turned our far better with DiCaprio than with his alternate choice, Jim Varney.

After cutting ties with Kanye West, Adidas plans to sell Yeezy footwear under a new name. So far they’ve ruled out Kyreezy and Will Smeezy.

Four U.S. states abolished slavery, effectively eliminating themselves from consideration for a new Amazon distribution center.

Transgender beauty influencer Nikita Dragun was reportedly placed in a men’s unit of a Miami jail after her arrest for walking naked around a hotel pool. Dragun did influence male prisoners into thinking about sex with a transgender woman.

Tomorrow Marvel’s Black Panther sequel premieres. Which, at 2 hours and 41 minutes, feels like it takes Wakanda Forever.

Some Saturday Night Live writers are boycotting this week’s show hosted by Dave Chappelle, over his allegedly transphobic jokes. Chappelle will be left with little choice but to write his own sketches that are actually original and funny.

Bride-to-be Tiffany Trump is reportedly “flipping out” that Tropical Storm Nicole could ruin her Saturday wedding at Mar-a-Lago. Donald Trump still plans to give Tiffany away, even though he thought he gave her away years ago.

Sylvester Stallone gave an update on friend Bruce Willis’ health amid Willis’ battle with aphasia. Afterward, listeners asked if someone with a fully-functioning brain could give a better update.

Joey Arcidiacono, a man arrested for throwing a can of White Claw seltzer at Ted Cruz during the Houston Astros World Series victory parade, claims he wanted Cruz to catch it – in his jaw.

Pennsylvania state legislator Tony DeLuca was reelected despite dying last month. He’ll be the first-ever elected official sworn in with a Ouija board.

Donald Trump blamed his wife Melania for convincing him to endorse Dr. Oz in his failed bid for U.S. Senate, calling it “not her best decision”. Said Melania “neither was this” as she held up her ring finger.

Editor’s Note: No jokes on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, since I’m having some routine medical work done. Thanks for reading & hope you come back soon. cd

McDonald’s is completely shutting down its Russian business operations. Some locations may continue operating without the old name & branding, and will reopen as Gorba-Chef.

Pennsylvania Democrat John Fetterman, candidate for U.S. Senate, was hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke. Republican Dr Mehmet Oz, seeking the GOP nomination, prescribed him green coffee bean extract and acai berries.

Hypotheses are emerging about the cause of mysterious hepatitis cases in children. Right now, the favorite is Lunchables.

A recall was issued for the possiblity of metal strands in bags of Starburst, Skittles & Life Savers gummies. New bags will be relabeled ‘steelies’.

Yale researchers claim to have definitively identified the underlying cause of cancerous tumors, which they announced while smoking cigarettes at noon while shirtless on a sunny beach.

Patients opting for robotic surgery experienced substantially reduced recovery times and readmissions, and nurses appreciated not having to hear human doctors make bad jokes about the patient’s body.

Charleston, South Carolina police were called when residents spotted a six-foot alligator approaching an elementary school. Asked what the gator was doing there, cops said it was waiting for recess to get a free school lunch.

Melania Trump ripped Vogue magazine for bias for never giving her a cover story, while other Democratic first ladies received covers. Melania then rejected an offer for the cover of MILF.

Amber Heard stuck with her story that it was a dog – not her – that pooped in bed, claiming the dog had bowel issues from eating marijuana. Heard said the weed was especially potent, causing her to piss on a fire hydrant and bag her own feces before tossing it in a park trash can.

Travis Scott performed for the Billboard Music Awards. His handlers advised fans not to tell him he ‘crushed’.

NASA’s Pereseverance rover successfully landed on Mars, where it was promptly roverjacked, forced to drive to an ATM to withdraw money and stripped for parts. NASA believes there may, indeed, be life on Mars.

Two women were arrested for an incident at an Atlanta AMC movie theater, when one of them shot a woman who shushed them. Police identified the couple from surveillance footage of them buying popcorn and bullets at the concession stand.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned from Cancun after public outrage for his abandoning Texas during their storm crisis. Texas’ other Senator, John Cornyn, could not be reached for comment while he remained on a sex tour of Thailand.

Former Trump ally-turned-critic Nikki Haley reportedly asked for a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but was turned down. Conflicting reports claim Trump agreed to the meeting, but insisted it happen in a hot tub.

A former 60 Minutes producer claims Ghislaine Maxwell admitted video exists of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton engaged in sexual activity at Epstein properties, but she “doesn’t know where they are”, except the ones shown at Mar-a-Lago Member Movie Night.

A white man from Tennessee was arrested for using former President Obama’s name and presidential seal on a handgun permit application. Cops grew suspicious when he entered the full name as The Rock Obama.

A new study claims Neanderthals were wiped out 42,000 years ago, from a climate crisis caused by a reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. “Yeah, bullsh*t” said velociraptors.

Retired MLB All-Star Johnny Damon was charged with DUI in Florida. Damon’s blood alcohol content of .200 was over twice the legal limit, but still got him dropped to eighth in the batting order.

$23,000 raised in a GoFundMe for ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ Tessica Brown is under investigation to ensure the money is directed properly. Until then, it’s stuck.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz teamed up to say they’re being fraudulent used as endorsers of CBD Oil products. They reemphasized their endorsements are exclusive to psychiatric quackery and miraculous cures like acai & green coffee bean extract.

A Philadelphia International Airport terminal was shut down by catering workers striking for better wages and health care. They expect the public’s enthusiastic support because everybody loves airline food.

A new Cleveland Clinic study offers definitive proof of lung damage from vaping, and overall damage from living in Cleveland.

Two passengers and their emotional support dogs were kicked off of a Norwegian Air flight after crew said the dogs showed signs of distress – specifically, piles of distress.

A study published in Nature documents what happens to the body when people stop eating meat. Subjects showed an increase in beneficial gut bacteria, and a decrease in whatever e.Coli is shutting down a Chipotle that week.

Fox Business Channel Stuart Varney spoke to the CEO of WD-40, who said that WD-40 stands for “water displacement, 40th formula.” Varney replied “how the hell did this guy get on the show?”

Facebook is launching Facebook News, which is expected to contribute tens of millions of dollars to the Russian economy.

A bear pushing a wheelbarrow attacked his handler during a performance in a Russian traveling circus. The bear was subdued but not killed, and has been assigned a career coach to guide him in better ways to ask for a raise.

Brett Favre told sports journalist Peter King he thinks he might’ve played in the NFL too long, adding “I think I might’ve played in the NFL too long.”

After being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism, Dog the Bounty Hunter told Dr. Oz he’s stopped eating “white foods” like sugar, bread and pasta. Dog said he’s struggling, because he doesn’t have the right friends to recommend black foods.

Taylor Swift and Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a new song for the film adaptation of ‘Cats’. It’s a lot of mean stuff about a tomcat who breaks it off with a girl cat.

President Trump said he’ll attend a Washington Nationals World Series game if it extends to Game 5. After that, he said he won’t be free until Game 9.

 

12 year-old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer is the new champion of America’s Got Talent, succeeding last year’s champion, then-12 year-old ukulele-playing singer Grace Vanderwaal. Producers plan to rename the show ‘America’s Got A Thing For Preteen Girls’.

General Electric Corporation is getting rid of its corporate jets to cut costs. Execs will now have to charter a plane, fly commercial, or befriend a rapper.

Archaeologists have discovered 75 million year-old fossilized dinosaur poop – along with a chiseled note from a Cro-magnon man threatening violence if he finds it outside of his cave again.

  • The poop contained crustacean shells and rotting wood, forcing scientists to reconsider their belief that dinosaurs were herbivores — now concluding that some of them dined at Red Lobster.

Ivanka Trump, appearing on the Dr. Oz show, said she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to each of her three children. Ivanka said much of the depression came because of constant badgering from her father asking when she was getting her hot body back.

  • Responding to Ivanka’s revelation, Dr Oz asked her what postpartum depression is.

Apple said they’re working on a fix for the new Apple Watch Series 3, which sometimes fails to connect to cellular service while on unsecured wireless networks. Apple reiterated the important things are that they still get their money, and that purchasers still get to look like dorks talking to their watch like Dick Tracy.

To help fight the opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy said that it will limit new opioid prescriptions to a 7-day supply, but added that CVS ExtraCare loyalty card members will still get bottomless refills.

President Trump, speaking at a U.N. luncheon, referred to ‘Nambia’ — a non-existent African country — while praising its health care. A White House spokesperson acknowledged the mistake, saying the President was referring to Wakanda, and that he would personally apologize to the Nubian Prince T’Challa.

Melania Trump spoke out against bullying at the U.N. on Wednesday.  “Great speech” said Little Marco.

Rhode Island’s Governor said that the state will cover the $495 cost for DACA ‘Dreamers’ to extend their resident eligibility status, but that they’re on their own once they decide to wise up and leave Rhode Island.