Wednesday Jokes: June 22nd

A new study reveals when concert tickets are cheapest to purchase. Findings state they’re 33% cheaper on the day of the show, or even cheaper if it’s a Color Me Badd concert.

New safe sleep guidelines for babies were announced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, including a flat bed free of decorations, no soft objects and no co-sleeping. The findings were immediately challenged by teddy bears and babies seeking other babies for one-night stands.

A Williamsport, Pennsylvania high school principal was charged with 30 counts of sexual misconduct with a student at his school. Suspicions grew when he had the student’s name stenciled beneath his own on his office door.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is changing its name to reflect how customers refer to it. Going forward it’ll be known as Kraft Dinner for Broke-Ass Students & Toddlers.

Barack & Michelle Obama signed a deal for audio books and content with Amazon’s Audible. Donald Trump is expected to sign a similar deal with Fox’s Unintelligible.

A New York City woman used instructions in her GrubHub order to say she was being held hostage in an apartment. The food was delivered by cops, who arrested her captor. The woman was relieved to be saved, but upset that the order was wrong.

Uber & Lyft drivers filed a lawsuit accusing the rideshare companies of price fixing. Uber & Lyft intend to mount a vigorous defense, and also tell drivers if they don’t like the money, they can go get real jobs.

Traces of polio virus were found in London’s sewage system. Health officials quickly declared it one of the 20 worst things in Londoners digestive tracts.

The Food & Drug Administration is set to ban Juul e*cigarettes in the U.S. Dirtbag parents planning to give them as 18th Birthday presents are scrambling to find the money to buy an AR-15 instead.

Kate Bush continues to marvel at Netflix’s Stranger Things boosting sales of her 1985 hit Running Up That Hill. Now 63, she plans to record a follow-up single, Asking For A Ride Up That Hill.

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