Wednesday Jokes: September 14th

Russia is “almost certainly” getting weapons from North Korea in support of their invasion of Ukraine. This, according to Ukrainian soldiers who’ve found discarded Russian guns with the price tags still on them from Un’s Sporting Goods.

The NBA suspended Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver for one year and fined him $10 million for workplace misconduct – including using the N-word and making sex jokes. He’ll be required to attend sensitivity training where NBA players teach him to use proper language and respect women.

New York Fashion Week featured runway shows with models and pets wearing matching outfits. Although to prevent fights the shows required both a catwalk and a dogwalk.

Queen Elizabeth’s body arrived at Buckingham Palace to lie in state. She’s been dead for almost a week, so Procter & Gamble will mark the occasion by spraying the area with new Royal Family Febreze.

Actor Ryan Reynolds broadcast his colonoscopy – marking the first time someone’s been further up his ass than Ryan Reynolds himself.

New York Jets Head Coach Robert Saleh said he’s ‘keeping receipts’ of everyone trashing the team after their season-opening loss at home to the Baltimore Ravens. The Jets announced several new hires on their accounting staff to help keep track of thousands of receipts.

A new study finds that one-hour nature walks reduce stress compared to one-hour walks in busy cities. The study results were delayed because city walkers in Chicago & Philadelphia couldn’t complete the full hour without getting shot.

A 19-year-old North Carolina man was arrested for drunk driving after an 18-year-old woman fell out of the golf cart he was operating and died. He was charged with DUI, vehicular manslaughter, and holding up several foursomes behind him.

Wheelchair bound residents at a home for military veterans in Taiwan were given a performance by a stripper, who gave several of them lap dances and gonorrhea.

An exploding package that injured a Northeastern University worker contained a note criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Police are looking for a Facebook user whose People You May Know includes Ted ‘Unabomber’ Kaczynski.

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