A Pennsylvania man was arrested for masturbating on his front porch after meeting a new female neighbor and inviting her to use his new massage chair. He was arrested and jailed. Ironically, the woman wants to try the chair now that the guy isn’t around. [Story h/t to M.L.!]

Lung cancer screenings are now encouraged for all ex-smokers over 55. Lead times for screenings are a bit lengthy, so smoke em if you still got em.

Ashlee Simpson joined Demi Lovato onstage at Lovato’s concert in Los Angeles – until Demi Lovato realized she was there and had her removed by security.

Pennsylvania Republican candidate for governor Doug Mastriano vowed to eliminate pole dancing in schools if elected – potentially forcing Philadelphia City Schools to make significant changes to middle & high school Career Days.

Lena Dunham tweeted that she wants her casket driven through the New York City Pride Parade. Parade organizers said they’ll make it happen next year if she promises to do her part.

Kim Kardashian was fined $1.26 million by the Securities & Exchange Commission for plugging EMAX cryptocurrency on her Instagram account, without revealing she was paid $250,000 to do so. Kardashian said the hardest part was finding the EMAX to take a picture of it.

Bros – the first gay romantic comedy released in theaters by a major studio – bombed, earning just $4.8 million. Moviegoers said if they wanted to watch gay guys flirt for 90 minutes, they could save the twelve bucks and go to the gym.

A man died after a fall from a stadium escalator following Sunday’s Pittsburgh Steelers home game. Since the Steelers lost to the New York Jets, suicide has not been ruled out.

Conservative commenter Megyn Kelly said on her podcast that she objects to women like Jennifer Lopez and Shakira “showing their ‘vag’ at the Super Bowl”. Thousands of conservative male podcast subscribers are now kicking themselves for not watching it.

A large potbellied pig has been wandering in an Alabama neighborhood for weeks. The pig has so far evaded multiple capture attempts, while at the same time fielding multiple marriage proposals.

Russia is “almost certainly” getting weapons from North Korea in support of their invasion of Ukraine. This, according to Ukrainian soldiers who’ve found discarded Russian guns with the price tags still on them from Un’s Sporting Goods.

The NBA suspended Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver for one year and fined him $10 million for workplace misconduct – including using the N-word and making sex jokes. He’ll be required to attend sensitivity training where NBA players teach him to use proper language and respect women.

New York Fashion Week featured runway shows with models and pets wearing matching outfits. Although to prevent fights the shows required both a catwalk and a dogwalk.

Queen Elizabeth’s body arrived at Buckingham Palace to lie in state. She’s been dead for almost a week, so Procter & Gamble will mark the occasion by spraying the area with new Royal Family Febreze.

Actor Ryan Reynolds broadcast his colonoscopy – marking the first time someone’s been further up his ass than Ryan Reynolds himself.

New York Jets Head Coach Robert Saleh said he’s ‘keeping receipts’ of everyone trashing the team after their season-opening loss at home to the Baltimore Ravens. The Jets announced several new hires on their accounting staff to help keep track of thousands of receipts.

A new study finds that one-hour nature walks reduce stress compared to one-hour walks in busy cities. The study results were delayed because city walkers in Chicago & Philadelphia couldn’t complete the full hour without getting shot.

A 19-year-old North Carolina man was arrested for drunk driving after an 18-year-old woman fell out of the golf cart he was operating and died. He was charged with DUI, vehicular manslaughter, and holding up several foursomes behind him.

Wheelchair bound residents at a home for military veterans in Taiwan were given a performance by a stripper, who gave several of them lap dances and gonorrhea.

An exploding package that injured a Northeastern University worker contained a note criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Police are looking for a Facebook user whose People You May Know includes Ted ‘Unabomber’ Kaczynski.

Wisconsin’s Health Department is asking residents not to eat ‘cannibal sandwiches’. The sandwich – raw beef on bread with onions, salt & pepper – is a local Xmas tradition. Two dozen people have already been hospitalized eating Cannibal McRib.

The FDA approved the first rapid-result at-home COVID-19 test. Although many women are reporting false negatives because they’re urinating on it.

Adam Gase, head coach of the 0-13 New York Jets, answered “yes” to a reporter asking if he thinks he let the team down. Gase added that he thinks the team has let him down, too, by not firing him yet.

Google’s smartphone keyboard Gboard is adding an “enhanced voice typing” mode. Now you can just say “go duck yourself”.

A gay male Texas high-school student suspended for painting his fingernails said he’ll continue his fight – vowing to press on.

A Spirit Airlines plane skidded off the runway at Baltimore/Washington Airport on Thursday morning. No one was injured, but passengers knocked out of their aisle seats were charged $49 to get back in them.

An eight-year-old Canadian boy was embarrassed by a large red birthmark on his torso, so his Dad spent 30 hours getting a matching tattoo of it. The kid was less impressed when he found out Dad’s tattoo covered up a portrait of Vanilla Ice.

France’s President Emanuel Macron tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly symptomatic with a fever and shortness of breath. He’ll quarantine and cut back his smoking to a pack a day.

Parents from Mount Healthy, Ohio face charges after renting a bus and packing it with 60 maskless kids for their child’s 14th birthday. The bus was pulled over in nearby Mount Fluish.

Two Democratic senators introduced the College Athletes Bill of Rights – proposing a way for student-athletes to be fairly paid for their name, image & likeness. “I can’t wait to get rich!” said a delusional Division III cross-country team member.

United Airlines is rushing shipments of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine has now spent four days waiting for Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to move it.

The Pope appointed Archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American Cardinal in the Catholic church. Gregory has spent more time in rooms full of sweaty, naked men than black Cardinal Ozzie Smith.

Vanderbilt University’ placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was still “almost ready”.

Trixie, the largest whale shark at the Georgia Aquarium, died. The smaller whale sharks are expected to mourn, then eat her.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers received a few votes from people who weighed in after being stabbed in the parking lot.

President-elect Joe Biden hurt his foot playing with his dog, and will need to wear a boot on his injured foot, in addition to the boot on his good foot to kick Trump out of the White House.

A report claims Iran’s top nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh was assassinated with a remote-control machine gun – the same one that’s sold out everywhere after being listed in the 2020 Al Qaeda Holiday Gift Guide.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and already aren’t speaking to each other.

The Denver Broncos lost 31-3 to the New Orleans Saints, in a game the Broncos played without any quarterbacks on the roster due to COVID-19. The New York Jets lost to Miami, dropping to 0-10 in a game where they were without any quarterbacks for the third month in a row.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife, Nicole, is charged with embezzling over $400,000 from him. Dre’s lawyers said the cash losses would only allow their client to make it drizzle.

Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska Ethan Berkowitz resigned after admitting to an inappropriate relationship with local news anchor Maria Athens. Athens would be on Berkowitz at 6pm, then look forward to seeing him again at 11.

A World War II-era bomb exploded underwater in Poland during an attempt to defuse it. A Polish bomb-squad frogman died trying to access the wires he needed to cut by repeatedly striking the bomb with a hammer.

Walmart is dividing its traditional Black Friday sales into three different online events: Trample Days; Fistfight Days; and Cyber Smash-n-Grab.

Nintendo introduced Mario Kart Live for Nintendo Switch — where Mario and friends race around the inside of your home until the cat or dog rips their heads off.

The U.S. and seven other countries agreed to NASA’s proposed rules for exploring the moon. They include not going in the lunar lander if there’s a necktie on the door handle.

Mars will be extra-bright in the Eastern sky tonight, meaning Martians will be extra-cranky tomorrow morning after trying to sleep with the lights on.

The CDC says ‘small family gatherings’ are helping fuel a surge in COVID-19 cases. They advise watching the 4 o’clock football games at home, and blowing off Sunday dinner at grandma’s.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump will each have televised town hall meetings on Thursday, Biden in Philadelphia and Trump in Miami. Biden’s will be called “Joe Biden Town Hall”, Trump’s will be called “Wasting Away Again in Coronaville”.

The New York Jets waived troubled running back Le’Veon Bell, but are still on the hook to pay him $27.5 million in Bell tolls.

The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

Congress passed The TRACED Act, bipartisan legislation to expand consumer protection against annoying robocalls. So say goodbye to all those great deals on health insurance and extended car warranties.

Stacy London, fashion influencer and co-host of cable show ‘What Not To Wear’, introduced her new girlfriend on Instagram. No word on who doesn’t wear the pants in their relationship.

The City of Philadelphia named Danielle Outlaw, former police chief of Portland, OR, to be their new police commissioner. She’s the first African-American woman to hold the post, and the first Outlaw to lead the Philadelphia Police Department since last week.

Philadelphia recorded 355 homicides in 2019, surpassing New York City’s murder total. Combined with the Eagles’ 2019 wins over the Jets & Giants, Philly fully cemented bragging rights.

Comedian Kathy Griffin, a former staple of New Year’s Eve tv celebrations, instead got married to her longtime boyfriend shortly after midnight. Instead of watching the Waterford crystal ball drop in Times Square, she disrobed and watched her fiancee’s balls drop in California.

Pope Francis apologized following the viral video that showed him slapping at a woman who grabbed his arm in St. Peter’s Square. His Holiness said he lost patience with her, and that he’ll find a more constructive way to keep his pimp hand strong.

The Food & Drug Administration plans to ban e-cigarette & vaping flavor cartridges except for traditional tobacco and menthol. The FDA decision was announced at a press conference launching new Fruity Mango Marlboros.

Google Health demonstrated artificial intelligence they claim is better than human evaluation at detecting breast cancer, and also 100% less likely to say “wow!” when looking at women’s breasts.

Drivers in Washington state were trapped in their cars when high winds blew tumbleweeds on to local highways. Once the tumbleweeds were removed, the drivers were able to get out of their cars for pistol duels at ten paces.

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige told an audience in New York that a transgender character will be introduced to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No more details were shared, but in a related story, Hulk announced his pronouns as ‘them’ and ‘they’.

HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

Amazon is in trouble for shipping products to the Iranian Embassy. The illegal shipments were detected when U.S. Intelligence operatives heard Iranian Embassy workers ask Alexa where they could get plutonium and automatic weapons.

Unconfirmed reports state that Beyonce is interested in acquiring a stake in the NBA Houston Rockets. Players on the Houston Rockets said that they’d be really excited to acquire a stake in Beyonce.

Rookie New York Jets safety Jamal Adams stirred controversy when asked about player head injuries and CTE at a fan forum; Adams replied “literally, if I had a perfect place to die, it would be on the field.” As a member of the 2017 Jets, Adams can look forward to getting killed on the field, off of it, and most days in the Sports section.

Donald Trump Tweeted that he will continue to use social media to reach over 100 million followers, saying it’s the only way he can “get the truth out.” Meaning, out of his way.

Trump reacted to recent nuclear missile advances by North Korea saying simply “we’ll handle it.” Which instills the same confidence as hearing a Dad who can’t tell XBox from Playstation saying he’ll “handle” buying video games for his kid’s birthday.

The Emoji Movie made almost $25 Million at the weekend box office, despite its dismal 7% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, because it’s a long summer and Mommy needs her alone time while Dad takes you kids to the matinee.

The Wall Street Journal reports that New Jersey is losing Millennial workers – Millennials are described as preferring to work at offices close to where they socialize, and they prefer to socialize anywhere but New Jersey.

New England Patriots Julian Edelman and Stephon Gilmore were kicked out of practice for fighting. The fight started when Patriots veteran Edelman accused the newly-acquired Gilmore of not cheating hard enough.

A place kicker for the University of Central Florida lost his NCAA eligibility because he was being paid for videos on his YouTube channel. He promised to continue producing the make-up videos.

Burning Man Festival finally received its permit from the Federal Bureau of Land Management, and the festival will go on. Parts of the location had been flooded, leading organizers to either postpone the festival, or change it to Peeing Man.

  • One of the big art installations featured this year at Burning Man is a 14 foot pyramid constructed with gummy bears. The pyramid will be surrounded by armed guards to ward off Burners who get the munchies.

Jared Kushner told a group of White House Interns that the Trump Campaign couldn’t have colluded with the Russians because they were too disorganized. And if there’s one thing Kushner knows about the Russians, it’s that he’s indebted to them for tens of millions of dollars.