Tuesday Jokes: December 13th

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of bankrupt cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of defrauding investors. Since Bankman-Fried was scheduled to testify before Congress today, the Speaker of the House will show a movie instead.

Subaru is recalling 270,000 Ascent SUVs because of a fire risk. They advise owners that if the car catches fire, to drive it into a snowbank, then use the reliable all-wheel drive to get out of it.

The cancellation of Bankman-Fried’s testimony is disappointing to people wanting to hear a Congressman ask him how Batcoin works.

Donald Trump said on Truth Social that he’d refused a prisoner swap with Russia of Viktor ‘Merchant Of Death’ Bout for Paul Whelan, saying Bout was a ruthless arms dealer and also turned down his invitation to be commencement speaker at Trump University

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit showrunner David Graziano is accused of ‘toxic behavior, bullying and misogyny’. NBC will bring in an elite investigative team because some of the incidents are especially heinous.

After cancelling the general public sale for Taylor Swift’s upcoming tour, Ticketmaster announced that Swift’s ‘Verified Fans’ will get a second chance to go online and be f**ked over.

United Airlines purchased over 100 new Boeing Dreamliners to replace aging jets. The new jets are more fuel-efficient, and have wrist and torso restraints built into the seats to save money on duct tape.

The U.S. successfully created energy from a nuclear fusion reaction – a breakthrough step that could reduce reliance on fossil fuels. General Motors announced they’ll use the technology to produce the first nuclear car, then recall the car for exposing drivers to radiation poisoning.

The NBA renamed the Most Valuable Player honor as The Michael Jordan MVP Award, making the trophy statue in his likeness. They also created a trophy of Charles Barkley & Shaquille O’Neal sitting together, honoring the player who eats the most at the postgame buffet.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Philadelphia announced the closing of four churches in the city’s suburbs. Despite the downsizing, shy, handsome altar boys will be offered positions at churches remaining open.

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