Two million dimes were stolen from the back of a tractor trailer in Northeast Philadelphia in late April. Police are questioning a couple who’ve spent the last three weeks living in a grocery store lobby next to the Coinstar machine.

38 televisions were stolen from the back of a tractor trailer in Northeast Philadelphia. In other news, two recent parolees announced the grand opening of a sports bar.

Twitter Blue users can now upload two-hour videos. Twitter Blue user Kirk Cameron logged on to Twitter to premiere his new crappy movie about God or something.

A woman was asked to step on a baggage scale before boarding a small commuter plane to the U.S. because workers doubted her claim of weighing 130 pounds. She was indeed overweight, but was allowed to board after removing her buttocks.

Mexico City airports were shut down due to ash spewed from an active volcano. Airlines operating out of Mexico offered to remove balloons full of drugs from passenger’s rectums until they could be rebooked.

Former WWE wrestler and actor John Cena said he was a hypocrite for making fun of former WWE wrestler and actor Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s movie career. Cena plans to move on and make fun of The Rock for trying to make the XFL happen.

Taylor Swift told an audience at Gillette Stadium in Massachusetts she’s “never been happier in her entire life”. She then put away the piece of paper showing how much money she’s made from the Eras Tour and continued singing.

A woman went into labor in the parking lot of the Taylor Swift concert at Gilette Stadium. She gave birth at a local hospital, but still owes $75 in fees to Ticketmaster for bringing the unborn child to the venue.

Iam Tongi of Hawai’i is the newest winner of American Idol. He wins $250,000, a recording contract, and a mention every six months in Katy Perry’s social media posts to remind everyone who he is.

Kim Kardashian talked about her “parenting challenges” raising four children – mostly remembering the names and fees of the eight nannies.