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Special Counsel Robert Mueller was photographed getting Genius Bar support for his MacBook at an Apple Store in Washington, D.C. President Trump appointed the Genius Bar employee to a high-level Cabinet position.

McDonald’s says that it’s removed all artificial ingredients from its burgers — leading many curious customers to buy a Big Mac just to see what’s left of it.

The Federal Reserve raised interest rates for the third time this year. This angered President Trump, until someone told him it means he earns an extra twenty-five cents a month in his Christmas Club savings account.

Students at U.K.’s Bristol University raised money to send a custodian, Herman Gordon, on a vacation to his home country of Jamaica – the first true vacation he’s had in more than 11 years. Gordon said he plans to get a job in Jamaica and never return.

Amazon is opening its first-ever store that only sells products with 4-star and higher customer ratings. Customers can ask Alexa where to find stuff, but Alexa isn’t there because so many frustrated grandparents gave her 1-star reviews.

Disney released a line of Disney Princess-themed baking sets, so that young princesses can throw them at their moms when they want them to make cookies.

Emma Coronel, wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, threw a lavish Barbie-themed birthday party in Mexico for their twin daughters 7th birthday.  Guests were treated to carnival rides, and each got to take a deflated balloon for a group trip to Texas.

A man was arrested at Dublin Airport after missing his flight to Amsterdam, breaking through the door of the boarding gate, and chasing the plane as it taxied away – delighting the person watching from inside the aircraft next to his empty seat.

AAA’s Foundation for Traffic Safety reports that drivers don’t understand the limitations of new vehicle safety features such as automatic emergency braking. and adaptive cruise control. Those who have the features have mixed opinions, with many saying it makes applying makeup more difficult.

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo, believed to be extinct, has reemerged and been spotted for the first time in 90 years. The Wondiwoi is extremely muscular and lives primarily in the treetops of New Guinea’s bamboo forests. Researchers making contact with the Wondiwoi asked where it had been, and the kangaroo replied “waiting for a f***ing ladder.”

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Marilou Danley, girlfriend of Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock, released a statement calling Paddock “a kind, quiet caring man”. Danley’s family released a statement calling Marilou “not great at reading people”.

A Florida woman was charged with felony fraud for repeatedly putting glass shards in her food and cutting her mouth to get free meals at restaurants. Police reported that she perpetrated the scam at 11 restaurants in 11 days – succeeding everywhere but Old Country Buffet, where she was 10th in line for medical attention.

Archaeologists in Turkey are claiming to have discovered the tomb of Saint Nicholas, as well as several thousand tombs of tiny elves.

Japanese Public Broadcasting network NHK said that labor officials concluded a 31 year-old employee died from heart failure caused by overwork. NHK said Miwa Sado had logged 159 hours of overtime in the month before her death and, worse, didn’t get a single person to donate to their pledge drive.

Google unveiled its new Pixel 2 smartphones. They’re including a new feature called Lens – where you point your camera at something to get more information about it. So you can point at a dog to see what breed it is, or point it at a person to see if they have sex on the first date or get their Social Security number.

The National Hockey League kicked off its 100th season. Several teams invited legendary players to pregame ceremonies at center ice to drop their teeth.

ProPublica reports that many cash-strapped cities are paying for-profit charter schools fees for students who never attend. Conversely, tobacco companies are enjoying record truancy for students they’re paying to smoke in the woods next to the charter schools.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) Foundation for Traffic Safety cites in-car infotainment systems as a growing cause of accidents, and released its list of the most-distracting vehicle systems. Topping the list is the Audi Q7 QPP, whose screen allows GPS programming on the fly and one-touch German porn.

President Trump and First Lady Melania returned from Las Vegas. Trump will  focus on progress for tax reform, and Melania will be busy picking out shoes for the next disaster.

British author Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for literature. The Nobel academy described his work as a ‘mix of Jane Austen and Kafka..with a little bit of Marcel Proust’. Meaning, you’ll never read any of his books.