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A man on a United Airlines flight opened the exit door and walked on the wing of the plane while it taxied at Chicago O’Hare airport. He was arrested, but flight attendants said he did a great job paying attention to the special exit row passenger instructions.

Google, Apple & Microsoft are teaming up on a system that will let you enter your fingerprint on a smartphone, then visit all your online accounts without a password. Phone thieves will also update their protocols to start cutting off victim’s fingers.

The new White House Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, is raising conflict-of-interest concerns because she’s gay and in a relationship with a CNN correspondent. Republicans want to break it up but don’t know any out lesbians working at Fox News.

Anaysis of a deceased man who’d received a transplanted pig heart found that the heart had a porcine virus, which may have played a role in the man’s death. That, and the donor pig’s heart was reportedly broken over a recent breakup with a girl pig.

Authorities are piecing together the reasons why corrections officer Vicky White helped convicted killer Casey White break out of an Alabama jail. So far all they’ve come up with is Casey White wanted to get out of jail, and Vicky White wanted to have sex with him.

Motley Crue begins “full-band rehearsals” next week for their summer Stadium Tour. And by “full band”, they include the guy who keeps guitarist Mick Mars from falling over, and the guy who does the singing while Vince Neil lip-syncs.

A viral video shows a 7-year-old girl chugging altar wine at her first communion ceremony, and the priest’s reaction. The priest was angry since the wine was for her 8-year-old brother.

A half-ton of cocaine was found inside coffee bean bags at a Nestle plant in Switzerland. A Nestle spokesperson said the company now feels it has a product to compete with Starbucks.

Jackson, New Jersey will be home to a new 88-acre wave pool for surfers, offering waves up to 6 feet high. The park will create dozens of new jobs for lifeguards and people to retrieve the bodies.

Emira D’Spain – the first black, transgender Victorias Secret model – underwent ‘brazilian butt lift’ surgery. She said it improves her appearance, and gives her more room to tuck stuff back.

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You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

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A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

‘All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.

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Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

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The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

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Billie Eilish dyed her signature green & black hair blond, then forgot the words to all of her songs.

A new book, ‘Burn’, by Duke University’s Herman Pontzer, claims exercise won’t help you lose weight. He retitled the book ‘Burn’ after originally calling it ‘Planet Fitness’.

Powerful publicists for A-list movie stars told the Hollywood Foreign Press Association – owners of the Golden Globes – to reform their ethics & diversity or lose access to top stars. HFPA responded by nominating Chuck Norris & Jean-Claude Van Damme for ten 2022 Golden Globes.

Russia is demanding an apology after President Joe Biden referred to Vladimir Putin as a “killer”. They say this is different than Donald Trump praising Putin’s killer abs.

‘She’s All That’ actress Rachael Lee Cook & husband Daniel Gillies finalized their divorce, with Cook keeping all accumulated frequent flyer miles. Cook’s acting work has slowed up so badly, the miles are all on Spirit Airlines.

The IRS delayed the 2020 tax filing deadline until May 17th, in order to lighten their workload from the extra month’s worth of coronavirus deaths.

Google announced a $7 billion investment in physical workspace, including its first-ever operations center in Mississippi. Thousands of unemployed Mississippians lined up to get one of the coveted jobs, in their words, “building Googles”.

The first Super Nintendo World theme park opened in Osaka, Japan – then promptly closed for several hours to search for children who disappeared after sliding down large green pipes.

Barack Obama released his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket, picking top seed Gonzaga to win it all. Donald Trump broke with tradition and finally shared his bracket, picking the Harlem Globetrotters.

Italians can be fined $60,000 for selling casu marzu – an illegal creamy cheese made from maggots infesting peccorino cheese. The Guinness Book of Records dubbed it “The World’s Most Dangerous Cheese” – stealing that title from Velveeta.

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With CDC guidance allowing vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with their asymptomatic grandchildren, there’s now a nationwide shortage of Werther’s Originals and other terrible candy.

Pepsi introduced Driftwell, a new carbonated seltzer to drink at bedtime so you can belch yourself to sleep.

A surge in coronavirus cases has shut down Italy once again. Health officials blame another new variant of COVID-19, the Sunday Gravy Variant.

Despite reports saying they’d broken up, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez say they’re still a couple, but are ‘working through some things’ – specifically, coming to terms with who’s the bigger ass in the relationship.

Indiana University suspended Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority for making pledges play “Blow or Blow” – forcing a choice between giving a blow job or snorting cocaine. After the choice, the woman was told they didn’t have to do either. Complaints were filed by pledges excited about free cocaine.

A judge ruled Google must face a lawsuit that it tracks Chrome browser users even in ‘Incognito Mode’. If the tracking data is released, Pornhub is confident their unique views will increase by roughly one zillion percent.

The Vatican said it will not bless same-sex unions, calling homosexuality a ‘sin’ and a ‘choice’. “Well, I guess it’s off to Protestantism” said engaged priest/altar boy couples.

A large wildfire ripped through southern New Jersey and even jumped the New Jersey Turnpike as it spread. Firefighters sought to contain the blaze so it could be ticketed for failure to pay tolls and not using the fire lane.

Toys R Us has been sold to a new owner, who’s planning to open stores as soon as possible. Parents will be required to wear masks and small children will be required to wear muzzles.

A Chalfont, PA woman was arrested for altering images of girls on her daughter’s cheerleading squad to make them appear naked, smoking & drinking – in an effort to get them kicked off. It backfired and the cheer coach made them all captains at a party at his house.

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Fitbit is updating its Charge 4 fitness tracker to measure blood oxygen levels, and, presumably, oxygen levels in the drawer where you left it.

The first doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Iowa, as farmers fought to get their cows to the front of the line.

Johnson & Johnson announced they expect a COVID-19 vaccine for children around September. Unlike their adult treatment, the children’s vaccine is two doses – a COVID vaccine, and a powerful sedative given before it to prevent meltdowns.

Google says it won’t use new ways of tracking user activity on the web, adding that they know pretty much everything they need to know about you already.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover deployed its wind sensor. Mars is 80 degrees below zero, but the “real feel” temp for Martians is 120 below with the wind chill.

A cuttlefish passed a cognitive development test designed for human children. The cuttlefish’s mother then demanded that it be assigned to the gifted school.

Texas announced plans to fully reopen the state and end a face mask mandate, following intense lobbying from Senator Ted Cruz, whose wacky Spring Break hijinks movie begins filming this week on South Padre Island.

Microsoft introduced Mesh, a new virtual reality meeting platform designed to share 3D imagery. So far they’ve booted dozens of male holograms for exposing themselves.

Dolly Parton received her first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, and sang a version of her hit ‘Jolene’ changed to ‘Vaccine’. She plans to also release ‘Virus In the (Blood) Stream’, ‘I Will Always Stick You’, and ‘9 to 5′ – How Long You’ll Wait In Line’.

The Washington Football Team will not have cheerleaders in 2021, choosing instead to field a Coed Dance Squad, in order to create an environment where all genders and orientations can be objectified and harassed.

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Pornhub will use a third party to verify the identities of persons uploading content -using publicly available identity data, not boob and penis pics like they used to.

Online war game Call of Duty: Warzone has found & booted over 60,000 confirmed cheaters. They won millions of battles, but lost the Warzone.

Filters on iOS 14 meant to prevent children from accessing adult content are blocking all searches containing the word “asian”. While that’s fixed, kids are still learning through iPad and iPhone searches related to MILFs, kink, and latinas.

Harvard scientist Avi Loeb claims he’s “more sure than ever” that we’ve been visited by alien life on Earth. As evidence, he cites his inability to find pants that fit over the probe they used.

Donald Trump was the only living President who did not make a live or recorded message for this week’s National Prayer Breakfast. It’s unclear whether his absence was due to his pending impeachment, or for McGriddles being left off the menu.

Trump sent an angry resignation letter to the Screen Actors Guild on the same day they released their nominations for the annual SAG Awards. The Guild rescinded SAG nominations for Trump’s neck and balls.

NBA players are reportedly angry that the league still plans to have an in-person All-Star Game in Atlanta this March – especially since all of the strippers who usually travel to the host city are only appearing via Zoom.

Casey Anthony is reportedly co-producing a documentary about the infamous murder of her daughter Caylee, including never-before-seen footage of Casey, who totally didn’t do it, asking if her daughter is dead yet.

Google released an infographic showing the most-searched-for food items for Super Bowl parties. People are happy for the pandemic, so they don’t have to attend parties and eat Delaware’s “prawn toast” or Mississippi’s “possum sliders”.

Experts studying 1971 footage of Alan Shepherd hitting two golf balls on the moon determined his shots traveled 24 and 40 yards, respectively. Since he could only hit that far in zero gravity, aliens waiting behind him asked if they could play through.

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Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are engaged, but just in case, their lawyers are reportedly working out a Hollaback Agreement.

A cop in the Philippines died breaking up a cockfight when he was stabbed by a blade attached to the rooster’s foot. The cop had let his guard down after apprehending the other rooster with a pistol attached to its foot. [story h/t: J.H.]

Apple is developing a search engine to compete with Google – to the delight of Siri, who’s looking forward to iPhone users looking sh*t up themselves.

Supporters at a Trump rally in Omaha were stranded for three hours in freezing temperatures waiting for buses to take them back to their cars. Multiple people were treated for exposure and racism.

Unrest following a police shooting resulted in a second night of looting in Philadelphia. Looters ransacked a Walmart, and long lines formed as many people waited to place stolen goods on layaway.

Medical journal The Lancet said it can predict the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease with ‘language indicators’. For instance, when someone gets up in the morning and says “Good bicycle” to their spouse.

Tax records show Donald Trump defaulted on over $270 million in loans obtained to build a Chicago skyscraper. It’s so bad, his credit score is “Incomplete”.

NXIVM cult founder Keith Raniere was sentenced to 120 years in prison. His cellmate kicked things off by branding his initials on Raniere’s lower abdomen.

Melbourne, Australia ended its 111-day coronavirus lockdown. Kangaroos returned to the outback and will miss the time they got to spend as the only customers hanging out at downtown Starbucks.

Third baseman Justin Turner was pulled from the Los Angeles Dodgers World Series-clinching victory for a positive COVID-19 test. However, he joined his teammates for a postgame celebration spraying each other with bottles of Remdesivir.