By |

Dean Foods, America’s largest milk producer, filed for bankruptcy. In case you’re wondering why there are so many cows driving for Uber.

Public impeachment hearings start today but will probably be missed by most Americans since they’re not on Disney+.

President Trump hosts the President of Turkey, Tayyip Erdogan. Trump had to be told multiple times not to pardon the turkey for another two weeks.

Venice, Italy’s famous canals are flooded after the city experienced the highest tide in 50 years. Gondola operators have instituted surge pricing.

A substitute foreign language teacher in Texas was fired and charged with assault for punching and stomping on a 16-year-old student. The student is okay, but still doesn’t know how to conjugate verbs in French.

NFL teams have been invited to watch Colin Kaepernick work out to see if they’ll sign him. No word on which teams will attend, but they don’t plan to show up until after the National Anthem.

Two people from a sparsely populated region in China have been diagnosed with pneumonic plague. Officials say they don’t expect others will be infected, so long as they don’t order the mu shu pork.

A 17-year-old boy whose lungs were damaged by vaping would have died without receiving a double-lung transplant. Surgeons described the lungs removed from the sick boy as “minty”.

Google is planning to offer checking accounts, and is teaching the Google Assistant different ways to say “you’re broke”.

A Russian man lost hundreds of thousands of airline miles after he smuggled his overweight cat onto a cross-country flight. The cat was discovered after getting drunk and inappropriately putting its paws on flight attendants.

 

By |

Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook’s policy allowing lies and misinformation in political ads is “something we have to live with”… like “spending millions for a wall around your house” or “selling personal information without consent”.

The first all-female spacewalk is taking place today — right after ‘Ellen’ so they’ll have some fun things to talk about!!

Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo negotiated a five-day cease-fire from Turkey.  [Mike drop]

  • Turkey did not, however, call it a cease fire. They referred to it as a “pause”…in killing innocent Kurdish people before steamrolling more of Syria.

New York’s City Council approved a plan to close Rikers Island and spend $8.7 billion to replace it with four high-rise prisons. They said they’ll recoup some of the money suckering tourists into thinking the jails are the Empire State Building.

  • They haven’t named the high-rise prisons, but the most popular suggestion so far is Trump Towers.

Jennifer Garner shared a video of her mammogram appointment, inspring women and disappointing creeps who disliked missing all the good parts.

Royal Caribbean banned a woman passenger for life for climbing onto the railing outside of her cabin to take a selfie. However, a spokesman for budget cruise line Carnival said she’s welcome on board their new ship Dangerous Selfie Of The Seas.

President Trump attended the ribbon-cutting of a new Louis Vuitton factory in Texas – opened to make enough luggage to carry all of Melania and Barron’s stuff when they finally ditch him.

Duchess of Sussex and new mom Meghan Markle told an interviewer “not many people have asked if I’m ok.” adding, “they also haven’t asked if I’m rich, and I am, so I guess I’m ok.”

American Airlines Captain Joe Weis, piloting his final flight for the airline, gave his flight wings pin to a 2-year-old on board, saying “NOW will you PLEASE stop crying?!”

Ethiopia opened its Imperial Palace to the public for the first time, at which point it was immediately stormed by thousands of Ethiopians wondering if they had anything to eat in there.

 

By |

Turkey rejected a U.S. call for immediate cease-fire in Syria, while the U.S. rejected a call for immediate cease-chop from Thanksgiving turkeys.

Police were called to the home of Ron Ely, star of 60s tv series Tarzan, after an elderly woman there had been shot and killed. “Me Tarzan. Need lawyer.” said Ely.

In Utah, a 190-pound mastiff dog named Floyd was rescued from a hiking trail after becoming too tired to walk. He has since been bombarded with questions from other dogs about how they can get out of long walks on steep hills.

The Washington Nationals swept the St Louis Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. They’ll face the winner of the Houston Astros/New York Yankees series, and hope fans of those teams actually buy tickets for games in Washington.

A lethal outbreak of Legionnaire’s Disease has been traced to inhalation of mist from a hot tub display at a North Carolina county fair – and to the prize-winning hogs bathing in the hot tubs.

Felicity Huffman has reported to prison for her two-week sentence, and is in talks with TLC to star in their newest reality series 14-Day Lesbian.

NASA unveiled a new unisex space suit. It contains compartments in the crotch and chest so both men & women astronauts can stuff them.

Bose is attempting to understand problems with its QC35II noise-cancelling headphones by visiting customers at home. So far their research has been slowed by people wearing them not hearing the doorbell.

A man was able to track down and stalk a Japanese pop star by determining her location from reflections in her eyes in her selfies. His story has been purchased by the producers of CSI:Tokyo.

Google debuted its latest smartphone, the Pixel 4, which can respond to hand gestures. No word on how it responds to the gesture of your hands flailing at it when you drop it.

 

By |

Marilou Danley, girlfriend of Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock, released a statement calling Paddock “a kind, quiet caring man”. Danley’s family released a statement calling Marilou “not great at reading people”.

A Florida woman was charged with felony fraud for repeatedly putting glass shards in her food and cutting her mouth to get free meals at restaurants. Police reported that she perpetrated the scam at 11 restaurants in 11 days – succeeding everywhere but Old Country Buffet, where she was 10th in line for medical attention.

Archaeologists in Turkey are claiming to have discovered the tomb of Saint Nicholas, as well as several thousand tombs of tiny elves.

Japanese Public Broadcasting network NHK said that labor officials concluded a 31 year-old employee died from heart failure caused by overwork. NHK said Miwa Sado had logged 159 hours of overtime in the month before her death and, worse, didn’t get a single person to donate to their pledge drive.

Google unveiled its new Pixel 2 smartphones. They’re including a new feature called Lens – where you point your camera at something to get more information about it. So you can point at a dog to see what breed it is, or point it at a person to see if they have sex on the first date or get their Social Security number.

The National Hockey League kicked off its 100th season. Several teams invited legendary players to pregame ceremonies at center ice to drop their teeth.

ProPublica reports that many cash-strapped cities are paying for-profit charter schools fees for students who never attend. Conversely, tobacco companies are enjoying record truancy for students they’re paying to smoke in the woods next to the charter schools.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) Foundation for Traffic Safety cites in-car infotainment systems as a growing cause of accidents, and released its list of the most-distracting vehicle systems. Topping the list is the Audi Q7 QPP, whose screen allows GPS programming on the fly and one-touch German porn.

President Trump and First Lady Melania returned from Las Vegas. Trump will  focus on progress for tax reform, and Melania will be busy picking out shoes for the next disaster.

British author Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for literature. The Nobel academy described his work as a ‘mix of Jane Austen and Kafka..with a little bit of Marcel Proust’. Meaning, you’ll never read any of his books.