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The first wave of lawsuits over workplace deaths during the COVID-19 pandemic have started. So far, most of them are targeting meatpacking plants, filed by the families of cows.

A 2004 video surfaced of Donald Trump being denied in-person voting at multiple NYC locations because he wasn’t registered at them. To prevent being refused service in the future, he proceeded to register at 36 metropolitan NYC McDonald’s restaurants.

Ellen Degeneres issued an apology for allowing a toxic work environment at her daytime talk show. She also apologized for the time she gave the audience books and socks during the 12 Days Of Holiday Giveaways.

Google’s in-home assistant Nest Hub Max added new games you can play on the device, including ‘Trivia Crack’, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’, and ‘Guess What We’re Doing With Your Social Security Number’.

Jeff Bezos dropped $10 million on a property adjacent to the Beverly Hills estate he recently acquired for $165 million. And by dropped, he literally had $10 million fall out of his pants as he walked by it.

Comcast lost 477,000 cable tv customers between April and June, and found another 500,000 on hold waiting to cancel.

Walt Disney World closed Tomorrowland’s Carousel of Progress for a day – and renamed it Platform Of Repair.

Coca-Cola will enter the hard seltzer market with a brand called Topo Chico – which translates loosely to ‘drink of top-heavy chicks’.

Nicki Minaj’s husband, a felon and convicted sex offender, asked a judge to be present when his pregnant wife’s baby breaks out of jail.

Nicole Denison, 29, a flight attendant for Allegiant Air, was arrested for assault after she returned home to find another woman, and her husband in the upright & locked position.

 

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American Airlines, United Airlines and Frontier Airlines have asked the US government to not use their planes to transport undocumented migrant children who have been separated from their families. “Yeah, look what we did to those dogs” said a United spokesman.

  • Allegiant Air said they’d consider taking the kids, but only if they agreed to fly the plane because so many of their pilots have quit.

AMC Theaters launched AMC Stubs A-List, a $19.95/month subscription service to compete with MoviePass. A-List will allow subscribers to see up to three movie showings at AMC locations per week, provided two of them are ‘Gotti’.

Walmart said that it’s “disturbed” one of its former locations in Texas is being used as a shelter for immigrant children separated from their detained parents. Walmart conceded they’re not accustomed to seeing people in their buildings receiving health care.

President Trump signed an Executive Order ending the separation of children from parents detained for illegal immigration. The President expressed excitement that children can be moved to the same squalid detention centers as their parents.

President Trump cancelled the annual Congressional Picnic this week, saying it didn’t feel right to hold it amidst immigration conflict – and since KFC & McDonald’s don’t offer catering.

Facebook has added “game show” capabilities to Facebook Live streaming. So far viewers’ favorite shows are “Watch Us Sell Your Personal Data”; “How Many Punches Before This Pedestrian Goes Down?”; & “Candid Sex Camera”.

A Philadelphia woman suffered minor injuries when she was struck in the face with a hot dog fired from a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic. She has no plans to sue the team, unlike the employee who contracted mesothelioma from repeatedly firing the cotton-candy cannon.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich resigned after admitting to a past consensual relationship with an employee.

– First he said they were just friends, then admitted he was Intel Inside
– No statement yet, he’s still processing
– Right now the chips are down, but he plans to take Ctrl, find an Alt assignment, Del this from his memory and reboot his career.

A Missouri father, 71, & his son, 30, are under arrest for beating up a man after an argument about Pokemon Go. The two were charged with assault, but picked up valuable experience points.

An Indiana cheerleading coach was arrested and charged with seducing a male student at a booze-fueled party. Police questioned the boy to see if they were intoxicated, asking “Did she have spirits? How about you?”

 

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Southwest Airlines mailed $5,000 checks and $1,000 travel vouchers to each of the passengers on Flight 1380, where a passenger died after an engine blew. Allegiant Air got the passenger list and mailed each of them a chance to “relive their midair thrill ride”.

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack was arrested for her part in an alleged sex cult, NXIVM, that recruited women to be slaves of founder Keith Raniere while giving him thousands of dollars. The arrest is the culmination of a year-long investigative report by The Daily Planet’s Lois Lane.

Kateri and Jay Schwandt of Rockford, Michigan – parents of 13 boys – welcomed a 14th boy, Finley Sheboygan Schwandt. The older boys sent invitations to an upcoming ceremony welcoming him to the family with his first wedgie and noogie.

President Trump’s doctor, Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson, faces Senate confirmation hearings to become the new secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs. His first meeting will be a private one, where he’ll be asked to turn his head and cough.

A Texas charter school teacher is apologizing after issuing an assignment to an 8th grade history class, asking them to document “positive aspects of slavery.’ The teacher was placed on leave, but not before giving an ‘A’ to a student who listed ‘agricultural skill building’, ‘team-based learning’, and ‘peer-to-peer networking opportunities’.

A 10-year-old girl in Carlisle PA was the only student in her grammar school to request participation in the National School Walkout, so she was joined by her father. After the protest, her dad returned to his 11th grade shop class.

An ‘overwhelmed’ Brooklyn U.S. Postal Service mailman is accused of stashing over 17,000 pieces of mail, some dating back to 2005. An underachieving man still delivering pizzas in Bed Stuy was devastated to learn he didn’t get into Harvard’s Class of 2010 after all.

Lebron James bought all of his Cleveland Cavaliers teammates matching suits prior to Game 3 of their playoff series against the Indiana Pacers – a game the Cavs lost to go down 2-1 in the series. James said he bought the suits so the other players can look good interviewing for their next team.

22-year-old Roger Alvarado of Homestead, Florida was arrested for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York City townhome, where police discovered him taking a nap. Alvarado is hoping to post bail so that he can resume touring and break into Swift’s other homes.

Harley Davidson motorcycles is hiring paid summer interns to ride Harleys across the country. A spokesperson said that the interns’ majors aren’t as important as looking like they plan to drop out.

An Iowa woman who left her four children – 12-year-old twins, a 7- and a 6-year-old – home alone with a loaded handgun while she visited Germany for 11 days, was sentenced to two years’ probation. She is forbidden from contact with her children, but is expected to return to accept a German Mother Of The Year Award.

A South Texas man was sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing $1.2 million worth of fajitas. Prior to sentencing, the judge warned him that his jail cell would be extremely hot.

Nabi Tajima, the world’s oldest woman, died in her native Japan at age 117. Experts estimate she was at least 20 years late to her own funeral.

 

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Steven Spielberg is developing ‘Blackhawk’, a superhero movie for the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. It’s the first time that fanboys have had the opportunity to tell Spielberg his movie sucks before he even starts making it.

A boy asked Pope Francis if his deceased atheist father is in heaven. Replied the Pope, “I don’t know – was he hot?”

Senator Ted Cruz authored a message where he admiringly refers to President Trump as “a flash-bang grenade”. Meaning, Trump flashes porn stars and Playboy Playmates before banging them behind his wife’s back.

Roger Stone, a former adviser to President Trump, addressed the death of Barbara Bush by calling her a “nasty drunk”, continuing “(she) drank so much booze, if they cremated her…her body would burn for three days.” Stone posted the comments on Instagram in advance of his weekend induction to the Catty Bitch Hall of Fame.

A Monroe, Louisiana woman arrived home after work to find another woman had broken into her home and was still there, taking a bath and eating Cheetos. The burglar was arrested; the homeowner is still trying to scrub orange dust off of her bathtub.

Miguel Diaz-Canel was named the new President of Cuba after a vote in the National Assembly, narrowly edging out Pitbull.

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, alleged to have had an affair with Donald Trump, was freed from a deal with National Enquirer ownerAMI and can now tell her story. AMI will also publish McDougal’s health and fitness tips in Men’s Journal and receive first-refusal rights for her book: ‘Yep, We F*cked – Here Are Some Fitness Tips’.

Slide Fire, the largest manufacturer of bump stocks in the U.S., will stop taking orders and shut down its website on May 20th. But until then, would-be mass murderers are invited to take advantage of its crazy inventory liquidation sale!

Crenshanda Williams, a former 911 operator in Houston, was sentenced to 10 days in jail and a year of probation for hanging up on ‘thousands’ of 911 emergency calls. Prior to sentencing, she addressed the judge and was defiant, saying she’d do it all over again to be caller #10 for Beyonce tickets.

Federal Aviation Administration regulators have ordered inspections on engine fan blades like the one which sheared off the Southwest Airlines flight, shattering a window and killing a passenger who was nearly sucked out of the aircraft. The FAA is still on the fence about the whole “smaller windows” idea.

  • A spokesperson for Allegiant Airlines said they won’t need to conduct the inspections, since their aircraft aren’t powered by jet engines, but rather old V8 engines from totaled Camaros.