Wildlife workers in New Jersey were able to rescue a young male deer who had a glass bowl stuck on his head. The deer was released into the wild, but only after the workers delivered the sad news that he could never be an astronaut.

President Trump angry-tweeted at California Governor Jerry Brown for pardoning convicts facing deportation, calling Brown “Moonbeam”. Brown said he expected that from Trump — adding that Trump appears to have lost his ‘chi’ and his chakras are waaaay out of alignment.

A Long Island, NY judge is accused of breaking into his neighbor’s home and stealing three pairs of panties from the hamper of their 23-year-old daughter. His attorney filed a motion for bail, but didn’t file any other briefs.

Mexico is concerned that increasing violence is threatening the lucrative tourism business in areas such as Cancun, Los Cabos and Playa del Carmen. It’s gotten so bad, luxury hotels now welcome guests with gifts of bulletproof sombreros.

Actor Eddie Redmayne gave a reading at the funeral of Stephen Hawking. Critics said that Redmayne came off sounding robotic.

President Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, John Bolton, called Russian election meddling “a true act of war”. Bolton then cut into a steak served medium instead of medium rare like he ordered it, telling the waiter it was “a true act of war”.

Apple issued a new version of iOS that tells iPhone users when it’s time to change their phone battery. It works by detecting when the iPhone owner has $29.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have developed knitting patterns for making 3D shapes. Now instead of scarves and mittens, your grandma can knit you a stuffed animal made of yarn that you can throw away, instead.

Sinclair Broadcasting is under fire for forcing its anchors to read a company-issued  statement that many view as pro-Trump. The statement read “tune in at 8 for a hilarious new episode of ‘Roseanne’ “.

Walmart is rumored to be buying health insurer Humana, so you can look forward to having the claim for your lifesaving surgery denied by a high-school dropout making $10/hour.

Tesla posted an update on its website regarding a fatal accident where a vehicle’s owner died when his Tesla crashed on autopilot. The vehicle was still being examined,  and the autopilot remained jailed after refusing a breathalyzer.

Personal and financial information from shoppers of Saks Fifth Avenue was stolen. Hackers obtained the wealthy, bored, housewives’ credit card information, purchase history, and the names of their favorite gardeners, pool boys and gigolos.

Following a boycott request from Parkland shooting survivor and activist David Hogg, over a dozen companies have dropped their ads from Fox News’ ‘The Ingraham Angle’. Holdout advertisers include Sleep Number, ATT, Allstate and catheter lawsuits.