By |

American Airlines, United Airlines and Frontier Airlines have asked the US government to not use their planes to transport undocumented migrant children who have been separated from their families. “Yeah, look what we did to those dogs” said a United spokesman.

  • Allegiant Air said they’d consider taking the kids, but only if they agreed to fly the plane because so many of their pilots have quit.

AMC Theaters launched AMC Stubs A-List, a $19.95/month subscription service to compete with MoviePass. A-List will allow subscribers to see up to three movie showings at AMC locations per week, provided two of them are ‘Gotti’.

Walmart said that it’s “disturbed” one of its former locations in Texas is being used as a shelter for immigrant children separated from their detained parents. Walmart conceded they’re not accustomed to seeing people in their buildings receiving health care.

President Trump signed an Executive Order ending the separation of children from parents detained for illegal immigration. The President expressed excitement that children can be moved to the same squalid detention centers as their parents.

President Trump cancelled the annual Congressional Picnic this week, saying it didn’t feel right to hold it amidst immigration conflict – and since KFC & McDonald’s don’t offer catering.

Facebook has added “game show” capabilities to Facebook Live streaming. So far viewers’ favorite shows are “Watch Us Sell Your Personal Data”; “How Many Punches Before This Pedestrian Goes Down?”; & “Candid Sex Camera”.

A Philadelphia woman suffered minor injuries when she was struck in the face with a hot dog fired from a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic. She has no plans to sue the team, unlike the employee who contracted mesothelioma from repeatedly firing the cotton-candy cannon.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich resigned after admitting to a past consensual relationship with an employee.

– First he said they were just friends, then admitted he was Intel Inside
– No statement yet, he’s still processing
– Right now the chips are down, but he plans to take Ctrl, find an Alt assignment, Del this from his memory and reboot his career.

A Missouri father, 71, & his son, 30, are under arrest for beating up a man after an argument about Pokemon Go. The two were charged with assault, but picked up valuable experience points.

An Indiana cheerleading coach was arrested and charged with seducing a male student at a booze-fueled party. Police questioned the boy to see if they were intoxicated, asking “Did she have spirits? How about you?”

 

By |

Former Trump Campaign aide Sam Nunberg, who is refusing a subpoena from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, appeared on CNN’s ‘Out Front with Erin Burnett’, where Burnett said she smelled alcohol on his breath. Nunberg questioned why that’s a problem if CNN has an open bar in the green room.

Porn site YouPorn used artificial intelligence to predict “porn’s hottest trends”. The list included pop-culture matchups like “T’Challa and Shuri” and more cryptic terms like “spray and pay”.  Production started immediately on “Black Panther Goes To The Car Wash”.

By May, McDonald’s Quarter Pounders in the contiguous U.S. will be made with fresh beef. Fresh beef in Hawaii locations will wait until cattle can be duped into taking luxury vacations; Alaska is just a long way off.

A 20-year-old Oregon man is suing Dick’s Sporting Goods and Walmart for refusing to sell him a rifle due to their new 21-and-older policy for firearms sales. His friends and acquaintances are rapidly lining up excuses for missing his 21st birthday party.

Questlove is encouraging celebrities to buy tickets so that children can see ‘A Wrinkle In Time’. For every $10 donated, children get a free ticket to an AMC theater showing ‘A Wrinkle In Time’, so they can sneak out and see ‘Black Panther’ again.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson interviewed Stephen Hawking for his show StarTalk, gathering the highest-ever ratings for a program that absolutely no one watching can understand.

Jeopardy! used a sudden-death tiebreaker for the first time in history after two contestants ended Final Jeopardy with the same score. Jeopardy! switched to the single-question tie breaker in 2016; judges used to declare the winner by who had the least-boring story after the first commercial break.

Dyson’s new air purifier has an LCD screen that tells you what it’s cleaning out of the air in your home. It displays messages such as ‘dust’, ‘pet dander’, and ‘please hire a cleaning lady I am dying’.

A Chinese woman gave her iPhone to her 2-year-old, and the child entered an incorrect password enough times to lock her out of it for 47 years. A Genius Bar worker took her email address and notified her when she’s eligible to trade in for an iPhone 53.

MLB’s Arizona Diamondbacks are throwing back over two decades, and will bring in relief pitchers using a golf cart — provided they can find a golf cart in Arizona.

 

By |

NASA states that an asteroid may pass by Earth during Sunday’s Super Bowl. But, since the asteroid is expected to miss everybody by 2.9 million miles, they’re naming it Third String Quarterback.

President Trump called out Jay-Z on Twitter about Trump’s policy contributions to low black unemployment, while Jay-Z said that Omarosa and Ben Carson cancel each other out.

Casino mogul and accused sexual predator Steve Wynn stepped down as Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee – in what Democrats are privately calling a Wynn-Win.

James Franco was removed from the cover of Vanity Fair‘s Hollywood issue due to his sexual misconduct allegations. However, Vanity Fair said they’d consider putting him on a future cover if he wants to pose topless & eight months pregnant.

Talentless blowhard Piers Morgan tweeted a ‘teaser’ of his interview with President Donald Trump, wherein Trump declares that he’s ‘not a feminist’. Trump believes instead of males being feminists, women should be self reliant, grabbing themselves by the pussy and pulling themselves up.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio fired his Chief of Staff Clint Reed over ‘improper relations with subordinates’. When presented with the facts, there was really Little Marco could do.

Replacing the refrigerators on Air Force One will cost taxpayers $24 million in parts & labor, and $50 million a year in Diet Coke and Haagen-Dazs.

Elon Musk’s The Boring Company is accepting preorders for a $500 flame thrower. A portion of the proceeds will go to awareness and prevention of really unique suicides.

Monthly movie theater subscription service MoviePass pulled out of support for some of AMC Theaters highest-traffic cinemas in the hope AMC will sweeten its deal terms, and because MoviePass found out the popcorn they serve was made weeks ago.

SpaceX is scheduled to launch the Falcon Heavy – the world’s largest rocket – in early February. The rocket is powerful enough to send humans to Mars, although its maiden launch will carry a dummy payload. Eric Trump said he can’t wait for his family’s space vacation next week.