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A man on a United Airlines flight opened the exit door and walked on the wing of the plane while it taxied at Chicago O’Hare airport. He was arrested, but flight attendants said he did a great job paying attention to the special exit row passenger instructions.

Google, Apple & Microsoft are teaming up on a system that will let you enter your fingerprint on a smartphone, then visit all your online accounts without a password. Phone thieves will also update their protocols to start cutting off victim’s fingers.

The new White House Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, is raising conflict-of-interest concerns because she’s gay and in a relationship with a CNN correspondent. Republicans want to break it up but don’t know any out lesbians working at Fox News.

Anaysis of a deceased man who’d received a transplanted pig heart found that the heart had a porcine virus, which may have played a role in the man’s death. That, and the donor pig’s heart was reportedly broken over a recent breakup with a girl pig.

Authorities are piecing together the reasons why corrections officer Vicky White helped convicted killer Casey White break out of an Alabama jail. So far all they’ve come up with is Casey White wanted to get out of jail, and Vicky White wanted to have sex with him.

Motley Crue begins “full-band rehearsals” next week for their summer Stadium Tour. And by “full band”, they include the guy who keeps guitarist Mick Mars from falling over, and the guy who does the singing while Vince Neil lip-syncs.

A viral video shows a 7-year-old girl chugging altar wine at her first communion ceremony, and the priest’s reaction. The priest was angry since the wine was for her 8-year-old brother.

A half-ton of cocaine was found inside coffee bean bags at a Nestle plant in Switzerland. A Nestle spokesperson said the company now feels it has a product to compete with Starbucks.

Jackson, New Jersey will be home to a new 88-acre wave pool for surfers, offering waves up to 6 feet high. The park will create dozens of new jobs for lifeguards and people to retrieve the bodies.

Emira D’Spain – the first black, transgender Victorias Secret model – underwent ‘brazilian butt lift’ surgery. She said it improves her appearance, and gives her more room to tuck stuff back.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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Tinder introduced ‘Blind Dates’ – a new feature where users with common interests engage in a brief text-only chat to gauge compatibility prior to exchanging photos of their penises and breasts.

Truckers protesting COVID restrictions were cleared off of the Ambassar Bridge connecting Ontario and Michigan. The renewed flow of goods is expected to result in shifts restarting for auto workers at assembly plants, and hookers at truck stops.

The United States temporarily halted Mexican avocado imports after a border inspector was threatened by a Mexican drug cartel. The inspector had reportedly refused the cartel’s repeated bribes of Snausages and Pupperoni.

Kanye West posted a series of Instagram messages calling Pete Davidson a “d*ckhead”. His fans replied with suggestions like “thick bread” and “sick bed”, hoping that their rhymes will get used in Ye’s next diss track.

Following its acquisition by the New York Times, some Wordle players claim the game is blocking guesses of slurs and slang. Everyday players say the change hindered their ability to successfully solve BUNTS.

Actress Rosario Dawson broke up with New Jersey U.S. Senator Cory Booker after a three-year relationship. Once Booker’s term expires, she may seek re-erection.

The wife of wide receiver Van Jefferson of the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams left SoFi Stadium on a stretcher after going into labor during the game. They would have taken her to the blue tent on the sideline, but Mr. Jefferson was already in there getting a vasectomy.

CNN reports Donald Trump used a Secret Service agent’s phone to call wife Melania after the Stormy Daniels affair allegations broke. They also report Melania saw the number and answered “hi lover”.

A man carrying a white flag ran on to the field during the Super Bowl. Security finally tackled him after he ran 80 yards, making him the game’s leading rusher.

A Florida man will stand trial for shooting another man because he was texting in a movie theater. The shooter claims self-defense because the victim threw popcorn at him, which had hardened over 10 years in storage at the theater.

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Colorado’s Marshall wildfire has expanded to 6,200 acres, leading to the posthumous rerelease of little-known John Denver song ‘Rocky Mountain Hot‘.

Speculation is growing that Ghislaine Maxwell will try to cut a deal with prosecutors seeking to charge other acquaintances of Jeffrey Epstein, so long as she doesn’t leave them hanging.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul declared racism a “public health emergency”, but denied the request of thousands of New York bigots trying to claim disability benefits for the disease they’re spreading.

A new analysis finds the J&J COVID vaccine is 85% effective preventing hospitalization, and 15% effective making people lying in ICUs wish they’d gotten Moderna or Pfizer instead.

Singer Grimes posted a baby-bump photo, sparking rumors that she’s once again pregnant after another test launch of Elon Musk’s rocket.

Heather Rae Young, new wife of ‘Flip Or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa, documented her fertility process on social media. El Moussa is taking a brief break from fixer-uppers to focus on knock-er-uppers.

Orlini Kaipara of New Zealand’s News Channel 3 became the first-ever network news anchor with face tattoos – securing the milestone after Mike Tyson failed an audition to take over for Chris Cuomo on CNN.

The people of Spain mark the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve with a tradition of eating 12 grapes for good luck – though others just chug wine, the equivalent of a couple hundred grapes.

Male officials of Jordan’s Parliament brawled after a session debating amending the constitution to explicitly recognize female citizens. No one was hurt, because they threw punches like girls.

Blackberry devices will lose call, data & text functionality as of January 4th. So if 2002 calls to ask for its cell phone back, you won’t be able to answer it.

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Comcast introduced a new Video Doorbell to its Xfinity Home Security service, so you can see your empty front porch at the time the guy was supposed to show up to fix your tv service.

Amazon devices with the Alexa assistant now feature a Santa Claus voice. “Ho! Ho! Ho!..set your own goddamn kitchen timer, there’s only a week ’til Christmas Eve you dope”, said Santa/Alexa.

Melania Trump is selling NFTs. The first ones are from her topless modeling sessions, so they’re Nude Fake T*ts.

A troubling TikTok challenge urges school violence on December 17th. But a new wrinkle limits participation to only students who successfully complete the milk crate challenge in the school parking lot.

An FDA decision expands the ability of women in approved states to receive an abortion pill in the mail from a certified prescriber. However, overnight shipping is still the patient’s responsibility.

Former White House Communications Director Alyssa Farah spoke to CNN about the text she sent to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows while the January 6th riots unfolded; a text which read “where are our goddamn Big Macs?”

Pope Francis turns 85 today. So if you’re wondering where all the young boys around Vatican City are, it’s the birthday party.

Sony showed off its new smartphone camera sensor that gathers twice as much light to improve photos – huge news for the four Americans who buy Sony smartphones.

Miss Alaska was crowned Miss America – reinforcing the pageant’s strategic shift away from judging based on physical beauty.

Actor Chris Noth is accused by two women of sexual assault, marking the first time a Law & Order actor has been investigated by Law & Order SVU.

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A blizzard warning was issued for parts of Hawai’i, as heaven freezes over.

A South Carolina nurse was charged with creating and issuing fake COVID-19 vaccination cards, after a dozen of her friends bragged about getting three shots of the Madonna vaccine.

An Italian man tried to dodge the COVID vaccine by wearing a fake silicone arm. for which he’s believed to have paid 488 Euros. He was caught, and his wife is furious he stole the money out of her fake silicone body parts savings fund.

Women named Alexa are changing their names because of Amazon’s digital assistant. That, and they’re sick of being asked about state capitals and what time it is.

A man was arrested after jumping out of a taxiing jet and locking himself in a closet at Phoenix Airport. His family claims he’s schizophrenic and thought he was being chased – a claim disputed by a gremlin who rode the flight on the jet’s wing.

The CEO of Better.com was criticized for firing 900 employees over a Zoom call. Then he announced the company was now called Smaller.com.

New York City will mandate COVID vaccines for all private sector employees – a move supported by the head of the pickpockets union and the Council Of Pimps.

Switzerland approved use of the Sarco Suicide Pod – a portable chamber where those seeking to die enter a code, climb in, and die within a minute from nitrogen inhalation. The Netherlands is testing a similar pod using methane, called the Dutch Oven.

KFC is testing a new dipping sauce, ‘Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce’, in three U.S. cities. They say it’s in response to research where customers expressed a strong desire to get the taste of KFC out of their mouths.

CNN fired anchor Chris Cuomo after an internal review supported allegations of sexual misconduct. Meanwhile, a Fox News review concluded some of their anchors sexually harassed coworkers, so they were given their own primetime shows.

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Caitlyn Parker, 29, wed 41-year-old radio star and American Idol mentor Bobby Bones, then jumped them later that night.

Right-wing student group Turning Point USA gave ‘Adult VIP’ status to porn star Brandi Love to attend their conference, then revoked it amidst mounting pressure from conservatives. Love was there to promote her latest video, ‘Mounting Pressure’.

Three people reportedly died of carbon monoxide poisoning inside a trailer at a country music festival in Michigan. Country singers plan to memorialize the victims, just as soon as they can find a word that rhymes with ‘monoxide’.

Megan Thee Stallion is the first rapper to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s swimsuit issue. The decision was announced once the magazine found a way to make the cover an inch wider.

Ticket sales for Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ dropped 67% in its second week, as theater owners complained that home rentals on Disney+ hurt attendance, and that they’ll have to store $10 buckets of popcorn until Xmas movie season.

New research suggests cognitively stimulating activities can delay Alzheimer’s symptoms by up to five years. As a result, researchers suggest watching Jeopardy! instead of Wheel Of Fortune.

CNN announced the launch of streaming service CNN+, so people can now angrily shut off computers & streaming devices in addition to cable boxes.

A fisherman caught and photographed a rare blue lobster, then tossed it back in the ocean so that it can hopefully get laid.

The Tokyo Olympic Village furnished athletes quarters with cardboard beds, supposedly to discourage sex. There are questions as to whether or not they’ll work, since some athletes are complaining their room smells like sweat and wet cardboard.

Disney Parks unveiled changes to its Jungle Cruise ride to eliminate racist cultural depictions. They say if visitors still want to see & hear racism, they can listen to the Trump robot in the Hall Of Presidents.

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Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

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A Key West, Florida man was arrested for pointing a gun at a driver who told him he had a small penis – in effect, proving the driver right.

Apple opened preorders for its newest iPhones – giving Americans one more thing they can get pissed off about waiting for.

The latest issue of Marvel Comics ‘Black Widow’ reveals the superheroine now has a son – and he is her Marvel Universe.

Facebook shut down pro-Trump group ‘Stop The Steal’, after they created potentially violent events. The founder said that, while the group had 300,000 members, the violent events only had 20 ‘Going’ and 299,980 ‘Interested’.

Denmark will kill over 17,000 minks after discovering a mutated coronavirus strain in them. Like it or not, a lot of Danish people are getting coats for Christmas.

Russian lawmakers are considering a bill that would give President Vladimir Putin lifelong immunity from prosecution. Its progress is being watched closely by You-Know-Who.

Former Creed drummer Scott Phillips said the group is talking about a reunion – mainly, talking about what a bad idea it is.

The world’s seventh-ranked men’s tennis player, Alexander Zverev, is defending himself against abuse claims from a former girlfriend. Zverev said she, too, was abusive, making the whole situation a double-fault.

CVS Pharmacy’s parent company beat 3rd quarter earnings forecasts. Shares of CVS stock grew several inches.

CNN said a Pornhub banner displayed on its Election Results video wall was not real, adding that it was intended to be shown alongside the Trump White House Victory Party.