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Historians discovered a lock of George Washington’s hair inside of a 1793 almanac. The hair was believed to be a gift from Washington to Alexander Hamilton’s son James and his wife, who were registered at a furniture store but, no, this lock of hair is great.

South African President Jacob Zuma resigned after intense pressure from his political party ANC. A spokesperson for ANC said “all we want to see is Zuma zoom zoom.”

Apple’s new HomePod smart speaker is reportedly leaving ring-shaped stains on furniture. Apple will charge $79 to remove them, or, if enough people bitch about it, $29.

Lena Dunham underwent a total hysterectomy as she battles endometriosis and nobody talking about her that much anymore.

A wheelchair-bound 75-year-old woman nicknamed “Kingpin Granny” is accused of trafficking illegal opioids from her Tennessee home. She was released on $50,000 bond, despite prosecutors arguing that while she wasn’t so much a flight risk, she was a rollaway &/or death risk.

55-year-old Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is engaged to 31-year-old Vine star Brittany Furlan. They bonded over the fact that both Motley Crue and Vine don’t exist anymore. This will be Lee’s fourth failed marriage and Furlan’s first.

President Trump offered prayers to the families impacted by the latest deadly school shooting, because as a “stable genius”, he knows how effective that is.

Stormy Daniels has been advised that Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s public admission of a $130,000 payment he made to her voids a non-disclosure agreement, leaving her free to tell her side of an alleged affair with Trump. Daniels hasn’t decided what form her tell-all would be, but most are ruling out a TED Talk.

Netflix canceled 18 shows, saying that most just ran out of stream.

McDonald’s announced that they’re removing cheeseburgers as an option in Happy Meals, following the release of the McDonaldland Coroner’s autopsy report from Hamburglar’s lesser-known brother, Cheeseburglar.

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A North Korean soldier – shot five times while defecting to South Korea – was saved during surgery, but doctors discovered parasitic worms up to 11 inches long living in his intestines. When asked what the worms were doing in there, doctors replied “starving.”

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot is now capable of doing a backflip. However, due to its metallic legs and flat chest, it was cut from the cheerleading squad.

During press interviews for Wheel of Fortune’s 35th anniversary season, Vanna White shared stories from grateful past contestants, saying one woman used her prize money to adopt a child. Vanna didn’t give any more details,  but she probably used the money to buy a Bea or Dee.

A new study from University of California San Francisco states that the Apple Watch can accurately detect hypertension and sleep apnea – this according to autopsies of heavy snorers who wear a watch to bed for some reason.

Cult leader and serial murderer Charles Manson died at age 83. No funeral arrangements have been made public, but you can assume they’ll be about as private as it gets.

Apple’s planned competitor to Amazon’s Echo – the Apple HomePod – is being delayed until 2018, because Siri is already slammed with too many dumb questions from iPhone & iPad owners during the holidays.

Business analysts say Victoria’s Secret sales are down 11% because women want more comfortable underwear. Victoria’s Secret executives are also concerned that plus-size underwear sales may suffer if Amazon Lingerie becomes a reality.

A new wearable fitness tracker, the Spire Health Tag, is a small thumb-sized transmitter that you stick to your workout apparel and leave there, even in the laundry. Its makers say that it will run for months on a button cell battery, or until it blacks out from the smell.

Ryan Seacrest denies allegations of inappropriate behavior levied by his former wardrobe stylist, saying at no point was he ever Seacrest Out.

The U.S. Navy called the sky-drawn penis made by one of its jet pilots ‘unacceptable’, especially since an Army jet flew up and drew a bigger one.