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The Department of Justice is investigating whether White House staff were bribed in exchange for Presidential pardons. They won’t say by who, but two bengal tigers are appearing at the White House Christmas Party.

Actor Ellen Page announced he is transgender and will be known as Elliott Page from now on. He said he did it to live as his authentic self, and for the 30% pay raise.

A California court told Dr. Dre to reveal his finances as part of ongoing divorce proceedings, or face $100,000 in fines. Dre said his accountant needs more time to relabel hundreds of expense entries currently categorized as “ho’s”.

Irene Bedard, the actress who voiced Pocahontas in the Disney animated film, was arrested two times for disorderly conduct while allegedly drunk. She was released into the custody of caring woodland creatures.

Apple released its annual list of Apps & Games of the Year – led by ‘The Ones That Make Us The Most Money’.

New York eatery The Meatball Shop is suing Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Deena, saying they stole trademarks for the sale of their own Meatball Squad merchandise. The lawsuit will likely be settled with an out-of-court sit-down.

On Monday night, stargazers witnessed a Beaver Full Moon, named by Native Americans for the time of year when beavers finish building winter lodges, and named by Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt for entirely different reasons.

Amazon added webcam support to its Fire TV Cube streaming device. Just say “Alexa, show me naked people in front of a webcam.”

TikTok is reportedly testing videos up to 3 minutes long, up from the current 1 minute, so you can watch your kid’s terrible dancing for three times longer.

Spotify announced it now hosts a catalog of 1.9 million different podcasts – equal to 114 million minutes of trees falling in a forest.

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Disney will donate $1 million from the sale of character-themed facemasks during the pandemic, and will keep the other $100 million.

North American bee populations are threatened by Asian Giant ‘Murder’ Hornets that invade hives and decapitate bees – not to be confused with hornets that decapitate bees by accident, known as Manslaughter Hornets.

United, JetBlue & Delta will require all passengers to wear masks, but will remove people who try prying theirs out of the compartment over their seat.

Former LPGA golfer Paige Spiranac says her 34DD breasts are real, and that they help her golf game by keeping her arms in touch with her body during her swing. Male golfers seeking to improve their game are inquiring about implants.

‘Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash, who recently announced she’ll divorce her fourth husband, is selling videos for $50 on Cameo. For $60, you can get engaged to her.

Mark Cuban said if he had to start a ‘side hustle’ to make extra money, he’d code commands for digital assistants like Alexa, Siri & Google. Then he remembered he has several billion reasons not to.

Experts say the checkout area is the most dangerous place in grocery stores during the coronavirus pandemic – ending the 70-year reign at the top for the public restrooms.

Tiger Woods said running over 30 miles a week when he was younger “pretty much destroyed” his body. Porn stars and bar hostesses say their younger bodies were pretty much destroyed by Tiger Woods.

Pennsylvania is no longer the top-producing state for craft beer, ceding the honor to California. However, thanks to Coors Light, Colorado remains the top-producing state for crap beer.

A mom shares video where she tells her kids she’s buying them drinks at a Starbucks drive-thru, but orders them water and mixes it with Kool-Aid. It worked once, but the kids knew they were being tricked when their names weren’t misspelled on the cup.

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Amazon updated Ring doorbell software so you can request that video not be shared with police departments. You can also refuse a request from neighborhood punks for video of you stomping out a flaming bag of dog poop with your new wingtips.

Golf Monthly released its list of Best Drivers for 2020. Categories include Distance, Game Improvement, and Easiest To Snap Over Your Thigh.

An elementary school fundraiser had to pay $250 of their proceeds to Disney because they collected donations before playing a DVD of The Lion King. The money was collected by a leather-jacketed Mickey Mouse holding a 3rd grader against a brick wall.

The Presidential Medal of Freedom was given to Rush Limbaugh, who announced he has advanced lung cancer, which means Trump will be able to take his medal back pretty soon.

“Yes, I’ll continue to hold” said Bernie Sanders after 30 straight hours on hold with the Iowa Democratic Party I/T Help Desk.

A man dragging 99 smartphones in a red toy wagon tricked Google Maps into thinking he was creating huge traffic jams. He also created several road rage fistfights among Big Wheel-driving toddlers while he blocked the sidewalk.

A cannabis company co-founded by Whoopi Goldberg, which marketed medical marijuana to women dealing with menstrual pain, is shutting down. She’s starting a new medical marijuana company for women dealing with menopausal boredom.

Google will sell its augmented reality headset, Google Glass Enterprise Edition 2 for $999. However, it comes with a warning to cash-rich nerds that you still won’t be able to see through women’s clothing.

To replace a young boy’s teddy bear lost on a flight over the Thanksgiving holiday, Southwest Airlines replaced it with a new teddy bear dressed like a Southwest employee. The bear tells lousy jokes, gets union-mandated breaks every two hours, and tells the boy he needs to lose weight if he wants to fly Southwest again.

The mother of a six-year-old daughter named Alexa wrote a letter to Jeff Bezos, saying her child’s life has been ruined by jokes about the digital assistant. Bezos responded with a recommendation that the woman start calling her kid something different, like Toots.

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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Del Monte is recalling more than 64,000 cases of canned ‘fiesta corn’ – mixed with red and green peppers – due to botulism risk. They’re also considering recalling all inventory of canned cream corn because of terroristic threats from grossed-out kids.

Taylor Swift revealed that video kiosks set up at her concerts used facial recognition software to identify her known stalkers in attendance. A ‘command station’ in Nashville held a database of Swift’s stalkers photos for comparison. No reason was given as to why Donald Trump’s photo was in the database.

Amazon lowered the price on a 2nd-generation Alexa-enabled Echo Dot to just $19.99 for its big Christmas Sale. That’s the lowest price ever to surrender any & all privacy in your home.

Melania Trump became the first First Lady to fly in V-22 Osprey, a massive military flight machine that has airplane range, yet lifts off & lands like a helicopter. Her flight took her over the Atlantic Ocean and parts of Virginia, safely landing on the roof of Bergdorf Goodman just before the end of their Christmas shoe sale.

KFC is selling prefab firelogs that smell like their fried chicken when burned.  You can either let the logs burn all the way out, or extinguish them with your own vomit. [h/t to SES & RC !]

Michael Cohen sat for an interview on ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ to discuss his and now-President Trump’s role in paying off Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Cohen said of Trump “he knows the truth” — which, for Trump, is a first.

  • Cohen added that he’s “done being loyal to Trump”, and that he’s shifting his loyalty to whomever is boss of his cell block.

Netflix is testing a new feature, ‘Watch That Scene Again’, which allows viewers to immediately re-watch key scenes in movies. They say they got the idea from every guy who’s watched porn, ever.

Facebook admitted that for 12 days, it allowed access to users’ photos that they’d uploaded to Facebook, but had not agreed to share.  Facebook admits that this resulted in the unwanted sharing of boob and penis shots that users were on the fence about while they tried alternate angles & lighting.

A Reuters investigation alleges that Johnson & Johnson for years hid the knowledge that its signature Baby Powder contained cancer-causing asbestos. J&J has yet to deny the reports, but says they aren’t receiving enough credit for the powder preventing babies from catching fire. [h/t to BTT]

Stormy Daniels owes Donald Trump’s lawyers over $293,000 for her failed defamation lawsuit, and is in talks with Scores strip clubs to do high-end shows to earn the money. Her lawyer said  Scores would need to pay more than the current offer she has from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

 

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TV ratings for NFL football dropped 10% this year, after an 8% drop last year. Commissioner Roger Goodell hopes to reverse the trend by allowing fans to binge-watch full seasons at once.

Tiangong-1, a 9.4-ton space station launched years ago by China, will make a planned crash into Earth as winter ends. It will be visible in the night sky going slower than usual with its turn signal left flashing for the duration of reentry.

Mark Zuckerberg said that his personal challenge for 2018 is fixing Facebook, while a majority of Americans state their personal challenge for 2018 is fleeing Facebook.

A Connecticut man faces animal cruelty charges for ripping the heads off of 20 chickens in a “jealous rage” after seeing pictures of his wife partying with other people on Christmas.  Horrified witnesses described the scene as ‘a lot of running around.’

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is taking a medical leave of absence after brain surgery to correct these blood clots on the brain. “What are subdural hematoma?” said his doctor whose cash winnings total over $15,000 dollars.

Amazon is bringing Alexa to wearable fitness trackers, just as soon as the company can program a few dozen ways for her to tell you that you’re ‘big boned’.

Apple confirmed that all of its Mac and iOS devices are susceptible to hacks from the newly-discovered Meltdown and Spectre bugs, but that updated batteries are available for just $29 if you want your devices ruined faster.

According to an expose in Indian newspaper The Tribune, India’s national ID database – containing personal information for a billion residents – is available to anyone willing to pay $10 to a mysterious man known as Anil Kumar. As to the extent of the damage from identity theft, the report says it’s too soon to Patel.

GoPro laid off between 200-300 employees in its drone division, as seen in an overhead video of sad people carrying cardboard boxes to their cars.

Cold temperatures in Florida are causing iguanas to drop out of trees. Since the iguanas could be carriers of dangerous salmonella bacteria, residents are advised to leave them alone and let them fall into sinkholes once it warms up.

 

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A North Korean soldier – shot five times while defecting to South Korea – was saved during surgery, but doctors discovered parasitic worms up to 11 inches long living in his intestines. When asked what the worms were doing in there, doctors replied “starving.”

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot is now capable of doing a backflip. However, due to its metallic legs and flat chest, it was cut from the cheerleading squad.

During press interviews for Wheel of Fortune’s 35th anniversary season, Vanna White shared stories from grateful past contestants, saying one woman used her prize money to adopt a child. Vanna didn’t give any more details,  but she probably used the money to buy a Bea or Dee.

A new study from University of California San Francisco states that the Apple Watch can accurately detect hypertension and sleep apnea – this according to autopsies of heavy snorers who wear a watch to bed for some reason.

Cult leader and serial murderer Charles Manson died at age 83. No funeral arrangements have been made public, but you can assume they’ll be about as private as it gets.

Apple’s planned competitor to Amazon’s Echo – the Apple HomePod – is being delayed until 2018, because Siri is already slammed with too many dumb questions from iPhone & iPad owners during the holidays.

Business analysts say Victoria’s Secret sales are down 11% because women want more comfortable underwear. Victoria’s Secret executives are also concerned that plus-size underwear sales may suffer if Amazon Lingerie becomes a reality.

A new wearable fitness tracker, the Spire Health Tag, is a small thumb-sized transmitter that you stick to your workout apparel and leave there, even in the laundry. Its makers say that it will run for months on a button cell battery, or until it blacks out from the smell.

Ryan Seacrest denies allegations of inappropriate behavior levied by his former wardrobe stylist, saying at no point was he ever Seacrest Out.

The U.S. Navy called the sky-drawn penis made by one of its jet pilots ‘unacceptable’, especially since an Army jet flew up and drew a bigger one.

 

 

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Apple released iOS 11 to the public, as CEO Tim Cook officially declared September 20th “Stare At The Download Bar On Your iPad For An Hour” Day.

  • iOS11 includes several new Augmented Reality features – including an Augmented Reality where you have the thousand dollars for an iPhone X.
  • Updates include changes to the App Store and a new Files app, giving you a convenient way to store music & photos that you’ll lose when you upgrade to iOS12.

TMZ released more photos of actor/comedian Kevin Hart allegedly cheating on his pregnant wife while in Las Vegas. In the latest images, Hart is seen posting a sign-up sheet for mistresses seeking to become his next wife.

Falling cereal sales led to General Mills reporting poor earnings to Wall Street, sending its stock price down 5%. While no formal layoffs have been announced, it’s rumored that a teary-eyed Count Chocula was seen leaving a meeting with Human Resources.

A new Boston University study concludes that young athletes who play tackle football before age 12 have more behavioral and cognitive problems later in life.  Pee Wee Football organizers responded to the study by introducing the Sippy Cup Concussion Protocol during league play.

President Trump met with Jordan’s King Abdullah II; Melania Trump dropped in at the end to share her resume & portfolio for any openings in the King’s harem.

United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley said that Trump referring to Kim Jong Un as ‘Rocket Man’ in his U.N. speech “worked” — because other ambassadors who spoke to her later used the ‘Rocket Man’ nickname. Haley added it worked just like the time when she called a junior high rival ‘fat ass’ and the other girls started saying it.

A professor at the University of Munich claims that interference in the upcoming German Presidential Election is coming not from Russia, but from U.S.-based right wing groups. As evidence, the professor produced Facebook ads featuring Pepe the German Frog.

Amazon is reportedly developing Alexa-enabled “smart glasses” that users can wear to engage the voice assistant while out & about. Amazon’s next step is conducting a field trial with nearsighted homeless people who already walk around talking to their glasses.

Mindy Kaling shared photos with Entertainment Tonight on her last day of shooting Hulu sitcom ‘The Mindy Project’. The photos are expected to be seen by a hundred times more people than have ever seen or heard of The Mindy Project.