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Licensed Nevada prostitutes have formed Hookers for Healthcare to protest GOP plans to repeal Obamacare. The prostitutes are worried about losing their healthcare, and about losing customers who pay them with Obamacare for outpatient treatment.

  • When hearing about the group, GOP Senators invited them to D.C. for a closed door meeting with the President.

Eminem’s Instagram followers expressed confusion and dislike at the artist’s new beard. Like his rap, the beard is not quite black.

The average FICO credit score for U.S. residents hit 700, or ‘Good’ for the first time. “Fake news” said the President, whose score hovers around 400.

MIT and Harvard researchers have developed tattoos that change color based on wearer’s glucose, pH & sodium levels. There are no plans to release the ink to the general public, at least not until there are more diabetic biker gangs.

Google’s Boston labs have built a 6′ 6″ wheeled humanoid robot that can jump, spin and lift weights. But for right now it wants to chill until basketball practice.

ABC ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ has resumed production after resolving allegations of sexual misconduct, but with stricter rules for contestants. Alcoholic drinks are limited to 2 per hour, and producers must pre-approve sex between participants. ABC is changing the name of the show to Bachelors Like, Totally Bail On Paradise.

Nike confirmed plans to open an Amazon shop for customers who like typing longer URLs.

Halle Berry – the first black woman named Best Actress – said her Oscar means “nothing”. She said this during a screening of Catwoman.

The Wilshire Grand Center, at 1100 feet, is the new Tallest Building in Los Angeles. It boasts the city’s highest open air bar, a viewing deck, and takes 2 hours to get to from anywhere in Los Angeles.

Greta Van Susteren is leaving MSNBC just six months after joining the network from Fox News, saying she wasn’t sexually harassed enough.

Argentinian Soccer Superstar Lionel Messi is engaged to marry his childhood sweetheart. Groupies are heartbroken but remain committed to a Messi breakup.

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Chinese officials are cracking down on the latest toy craze – a tiny crossbow that costs a dollar and can shoot toothpicks over 60 feet. One 10-year old boy has suffered eye damage, presumably after his friend tried shooting an apple off of his head.

  • Here in the U.S., illegal imports of the crossbow have been used in several daring daylight candy store robberies.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.com website was smacked down by NASA for incorrectly stating that “healing stickers” sold on the site used carbon fiber technology from NASA spacesuits. NASA said it was a lie. Paltrow replied saying “Astronauts read Goop.com!”

The White House once again held its daily press briefing off camera. CNN sent a sketch artist to record the proceedings – their first drawing was of Spicer trying to take his colored pencils away.

The Center for Disease Control released their annual survey of teen sexual behavior. Teens stated their top 3 birth control methods are condoms, withdrawal, and pills. In other words, condom breaks, do it anyway, get Plan B.

The contestant contract for ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise was leaked — men & women appearing on the show agree not to hold producers liable even if the contestants are lied to, injured or contract an STD. The contract is supposedly modeled after Donald Trump’s prenup.

Martha, a 3 year old Napoleon Mastiff was named World’s Ugliest Dog at the annual contest in California. Martha’s owner describes her as “snoring, drooling and gassy”. Martha describes her owner as “no picnic either”.

Rumors are swirling that Pandora CEO Tim Westergren will soon be out. He’s tried meeting with the Board of Directors, but they’re using all of their skips to avoid him.