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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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Big Bird appeared on stage at Apple’s press event. He helped announced a new Sesame Workshop program that will teach children how to code once their shift is over at the iPad factory.

Apple announced a credit card that would be accessed via the iPhone. So if you’re too broke to fix your iPhone after you drop it, your credit card will be declined.

Attorney Michael Avenatti was charged with attempting to extort $20 million from Nike. Nike said they didn’t care what sneakers Stormy Daniels wore when she banged Donald Trump.

A chunk of ice twice the size of Manhattan could break off of Antarctica at any time. Impacted polar bears promise they’ll return to their parents ice floe to visit.

Yale University rescinded the admission of a student whose family paid $1.2 million in the current college admissions scandal to get them in. But, wouldn’t you know it, they found a different student whose family would give $1.3 million to Yale directly!

Avengers:Endgame is over three hours long. Bored parents and girlfriends are hoping Thanos isn’t defeated too soon so he can use the Time Stone to speed things up.

A gigantic T. Rex skeleton found in Canada is officially the world’s biggest. It’s believed the T. Rex moved to Canada to avoid the war with cavemen.

New Jersey lawmakers approved a ‘Right to Die’ bill for terminally ill patients. Those who can afford medical euthanasia will be free to do so; less affluent people will be allowed  to swim during Jersey Shore riptides.

A new study finds that old people can generate fresh brain cells. Doctors made the discovery while showing nursing home residents never-before-seen episodes of ‘Murder She Wrote’.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes. “I never say this, but you might want to stop pushing” said the attending doctor.

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The bodies of two missing climbers from Iceland have been discovered in a Himalayan glacier, 30 years after they disappeared.  “Those guys haven’t aged a bit!” said several mourners at their funeral.

  • Their families expressed gratitude at finally having closure, but disappointment that the climbers forfeited the deposit on the tent they rented.

The publisher of National Enquirer struck a deal to provide evidence that they buried negative stories about Donald Trump during his run for President. Their lawyers are still working on a settlement in the libel lawsuit brought by the half-man/half-lizard they put on the cover instead.

Lily, a Sesame Street character first introduced as being “food insecure” for not getting enough to eat, is now also the first Muppet on the show to experience homelessness. Begging the question “If that’s true, what the f**k does Mr. Snuffleupagus live in?”

  • Lily is seven years old, has bright pink skin, and red dreadlocks. So things were already pretty damned tough for her.
  • The story of how Lily’s family became homeless remains unclear, only that her dad owes a ton of money to Big Bird.

Melania Trump debuted a new blond look on Fox News. Melania now goes by Stormy Knaus.

A 31-year-old Florida woman on a first date died after falling off the back of a man’s motorcycle on her ride home, then being run over several times on a highway. The man never returned to the scene of the accident, although he did show up at the funeral to see if she has a cute sister. [h/t to Don M!!]

Old Bay seasoning is suing a spice manufacturer over the name of their product, ‘New Bae’. Lawyers for New Bae say they aren’t real competition for Old Bay, because once men & women get New Bae on their tongue, they’re pretty tired of it.

Danielle Goldsmith, a former NFL cheerleader, diagnosed her own rare medical condition – pectus excavatum, a sunken sternum that can inhibit breathing – after multiple doctors dismissed her chest pain and shortness of breath as ‘anxiety’. She urged other women seeking medical advice to “be aggressive..be, be aggressive!!”

A leaked Google memo advises staff not to give gifts like logo shirts to “temps, vendors & contractors (TVCs)”, because they don’t want TVCs to feel like they’re full-time employees. The memo goes on to say that if TVCs sexually harass women, they’re to be fired, instead of getting a 7-figure severance & going-away party of a full-timer.

A 57-year-old Washington man was sentenced to nine months in jail after police found his remote treehouse that had framed images of child pornography on the walls. He’s already received four offers for the place from Tiny House enthusiasts with money to redecorate.

“Ghosting” is now happening more frequently in the workplace, as employees simply leave for a new job without notifying their employees or coworkers. Human Resources workers are frustrated and worried that they’ll be phased out now that employees can just fire themselves.