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Walmart is selling 98¢ reusable bags in order to cut down on plastic. Unfortunately, most Walmart customers ask for a bag to put them in.

  • The bags have a Walmart logo, so you can let others know you’re cutting down on plastic bag waste, but still open to buying any & all other kinds of plastic crap.

Patagonia apparel is suing Budweiser brewer AB-InBev, saying their new Patagonia-branded beer is confusing consumers by copying Patagonia’s brand, and that AB-InBev’s  dumber consumers may be injured trying to wear the beer like a sweater.

A teen caught shoplifting at a Toledo 7-Eleven said he took candy because he & his brother were hungry. Instead of calling cops, the owner gave him “real” food from 7-Eleven like pizza, nachos and sandwiches. The boys are recovering at a local hospital.

Millions viewed the first-ever photo of a massive black hole, many sharing them via an even bigger black hole, Facebook.

  • Scientists had two other photos of the black hole, but deleted them because the event horizon was blinking.

The Federal Council in Switzerland said that coffee is not necessary for human survival, and is removing it from national food reserves the country keeps in case of war, epidemic or disaster. The council’s decision was made sometime other than early morning.

Newark, Delaware elected a new mayor. Mayor elect Jerry Clifton said his priorities are updates to the city’s land use rules, and continuing the never ending struggle to keep people from confusing it with Newark, New Jersey.

Tulipan, an Argentian condom company, released the “consent condom” – which they claim requires four hands to open the packaging, instead of one hand and a good set of teeth.

  • However, chimps who want to have safe sex have successfully opened the packaging with their hands and feet.

The NTSB ruled that a 90-year-old pilot died in a small aircraft crash because his 70-pound dog flying in the passenger’s seat interfered with controls during landing. The dog survived the crash, and is currently seeking to collect on the man’s life insurance policy.

A Florida man was arrested for harassing customers of an Olive Garden. Cops found him sitting shirtless outside of the restaurant, eating spaghetti barehanded. The suspect intends to sue for not receiving utensils to consume his unlimited pasta bowl.

A bull terrier in the U.K. survived emergency surgery after an x-ray revealed he’d swallowed a Nintendo DS game cartridge. Vets are thankful that the game was saved with two remaining lives on it.

 

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The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”