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California health officials announced their findings that coffee doesn’t pose a significant cancer risk – at least not until Dunkin opens more locations there.

Build-A-Bear will open shops inside Walmart stores, where children and parents can build sad bears.

Lab testers Quest Diagnostics said over 11 million clients’ financial and health information were exposed in a data breach, including the 2% who actually passed their drug screening.

Forbes named Jay-Z “hip-hop’s first billionaire” – news that shocked an Adidas-track-suit-wearing Warren Buffett.

Researchers say octopuses may become more popular research animals than lab rats, because they offer relatively easy genetic sequencing, and because you can inject them with eight vaccines at once.

A man visited all 419 U.S. National Parks in one three-year journey. He made the trek alone, in order to avoid children asking him 40,000 times if they were there yet. 

New research concludes feeding mosquitos sugar makes them less likely to bite – but feeding them diet cola makes them more likely to order the larger Value Meal.

An Australian study claims a “high likelihood” of civilization collapsing by 2050 due to climate change. That’s the bad news; the good news is now many more people have enough money saved for retirement.

President Trump and his family attended a fancy state ball at London’s Buckingham Palace, where the Royal Family treated their guests to a buffet from McDonald’s and KFC.

Khloe Kardashian escorted a superfan to his high school prom in Glendale, California. Over the course of three hours, Kardashian arrived, married the captain of the basketball team, and he cheated on her.

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Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal has been linked by the Centers for Disease Control to 100 cases of salmonella in 33 states. Honey Smacks cartoon frog mascot Dig ‘Em has been hospitalized, and will be temporarily replaced by his cousin, Puke ‘Em.

  • Kellogg’s has recalled Honey Smacks, and new boxes will be issued with a free prize inside — Immodium pills.

Build-a-Bear locations were overwhelmed by the stores’ “Pay Your Age” promotion – with stuffed bear kits offered at $1/year of a child’s age – and turned away thousands of angry and disappointed families. EMTs were called to several locations where Bear employees were mauled by moms.

In Washington state, a robber broke into a business housing several ‘escape rooms’, but then called 911 when he couldn’t find a way out. Police arrested the burglar, 40-year-old Rye Wardlaw, and forced him to hold up signs reading “I’m a dummy” and “I couldn’t get out” for his booking photo.

At Wasco State Prison in California, a 66-year-old convicted child molester was beaten to death by a 19-year-old fellow inmate within days of his arrival. Prison officials are investigating. Kinda.

  • A spokesman for Welcome Wagon said that the 19-year-old prisoner’s franchise had been revoked.

President Trump and First Lady Melania arrived in London to meet with British Prime Minister Theresa May. Mr. Trump said that the infamous “Trump Baby” blimp flying above protests in London made him “uncomfortable”. Melania Trump said privately that the blimp holding her hand made her feel “embarrassed”.

Bill Cosby turned 81 on Thursday, celebrating with a party at his home featuring a jazz band. His wife Camille gave a toast, but then everybody asked if they could pour themselves a fresh drink before clinking glasses and drinking to the guest of honor.

A 35-year-old woman went to a Dijon, France emergency room complaining of a tingling sensation in her legs. Doctors x-rayed her, then found and removed a larval dog tapeworm lodged in her spine. The woman was given anti-parasitic medication and the tapeworm was returned to her favorite French restaurant.

Officials in Illinois and Ohio are investigating reports of food borne illness believed to be caused by McDonald’s salads. So far the illness has been found in zero people and hundreds of mice.

‘Roseanne’ was nominated for two Emmys —  Best Supporting Actress in a comedy for Laurie Metcalf; and an editing nomination.  A third Emmy, Best Decision To Cancel a Comedy, is still under consideration.

Preliminary pricing has been announced for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin space tourism offering. Two sources state tickets will go between $200,000 and $300,000 – but carry-ons cost extra.