By |

A UPS driver’s failed delivery note to a North Carolina household has gone viral. Unable to deliver the package, the driver left a company-issued post-it stuck in the mailbox reading “bear in driveway”. The homeowner wasn’t upset, but regrets hiring the bear to wash her car.

Kyle Greene, an independent candidate for Minnesota state representative released a controversial campaign ad where he states “I want to be your n***er.” Minnesota racists expressed their pleasure with a more effective use of tax dollars.

The New York Police Department sent its official beekeeper to remove a swarm of bees that descended on a hot dog cart in the middle of Times Square. The bees were there to express their outrage at tourists asking for ketchup to put on their hot dogs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics updated guidelines for placing children in rear-facing car seats. Old guidelines stipulated children ride in rear-facing seats until age 2; now the Academy says parents should continue to use rear-facing seats as long as children can comfortably fit in them and vomit on road trips.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo debated fellow Democratic gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon at Hofstra University on Wednesday night. Nixon’s team unsuccessfully asked the room temperature be raised from 69 to 76 degress, calling cold work environments “sexist”. Cuomo’s team thought that Nixon, a lesbian, would be okay at 69.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill designating surfing as the official state sport – disappointing those who had lobbied for the official sport to be either skateboarding, or bitching about Nancy Pelosi.

China’s largest search engine, Baidu, is suing a Chinese comedian – known only as Sun -for posting a joke making fun of Baidu’s CEO Robin Li. The comedian is wondering if Baidu hated the joke so much, how did it end up so high in search results?

U.S. startup Lime is now offering rentals of its electric scooters in Paris, allowing pedestrians to smell that familiar breeze of Parisians not wearing deodorant to come at them even faster.

Sears kicked off store-closing liquidation sales at 13 KMarts and 33 Sears department store locations – for anyone interested in seeing 80-year-old women fighting over the last pair of size 4 stretch pants.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be 6 1/2 hours long, featuring multiple musical performances, eulogies, and an appearance by Tyler Perry. Perry chose not to appear as Madea since he was worried mourners would think Franklin had come back to life.

 

By |

Wildlife workers in New Jersey were able to rescue a young male deer who had a glass bowl stuck on his head. The deer was released into the wild, but only after the workers delivered the sad news that he could never be an astronaut.

President Trump angry-tweeted at California Governor Jerry Brown for pardoning convicts facing deportation, calling Brown “Moonbeam”. Brown said he expected that from Trump — adding that Trump appears to have lost his ‘chi’ and his chakras are waaaay out of alignment.

A Long Island, NY judge is accused of breaking into his neighbor’s home and stealing three pairs of panties from the hamper of their 23-year-old daughter. His attorney filed a motion for bail, but didn’t file any other briefs.

Mexico is concerned that increasing violence is threatening the lucrative tourism business in areas such as Cancun, Los Cabos and Playa del Carmen. It’s gotten so bad, luxury hotels now welcome guests with gifts of bulletproof sombreros.

Actor Eddie Redmayne gave a reading at the funeral of Stephen Hawking. Critics said that Redmayne came off sounding robotic.

President Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, John Bolton, called Russian election meddling “a true act of war”. Bolton then cut into a steak served medium instead of medium rare like he ordered it, telling the waiter it was “a true act of war”.

Apple issued a new version of iOS that tells iPhone users when it’s time to change their phone battery. It works by detecting when the iPhone owner has $29.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have developed knitting patterns for making 3D shapes. Now instead of scarves and mittens, your grandma can knit you a stuffed animal made of yarn that you can throw away, instead.

Sinclair Broadcasting is under fire for forcing its anchors to read a company-issued  statement that many view as pro-Trump. The statement read “tune in at 8 for a hilarious new episode of ‘Roseanne’ “.

Walmart is rumored to be buying health insurer Humana, so you can look forward to having the claim for your lifesaving surgery denied by a high-school dropout making $10/hour.

Tesla posted an update on its website regarding a fatal accident where a vehicle’s owner died when his Tesla crashed on autopilot. The vehicle was still being examined,  and the autopilot remained jailed after refusing a breathalyzer.

Personal and financial information from shoppers of Saks Fifth Avenue was stolen. Hackers obtained the wealthy, bored, housewives’ credit card information, purchase history, and the names of their favorite gardeners, pool boys and gigolos.

Following a boycott request from Parkland shooting survivor and activist David Hogg, over a dozen companies have dropped their ads from Fox News’ ‘The Ingraham Angle’. Holdout advertisers include Sleep Number, ATT, Allstate and catheter lawsuits.