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Peloton recalled pedals from exercise cycles, saying they could injure owners who trip over them while hanging laundry on the bikes.

Chicago was named “America’s rattiest city” – with the most recorded rat infestations – for the sixth straight year. New York City’s Pizza Rat proved to be no match for Chicago’s Deep Dish Pizza Rat.

A Texas executive was charged with the largest tax evasion scheme in history, hiding over $2 billion in income. He is currently deciding between fleeing the country or running for President.

A 14-year-old girl won $25,000 for development of a potential treatment for COVID-19, and pocketed another $500 from classmates hoping to sit next to her during the science test.

Instagram fitness influencer Dmitriy Stuzhuk – who claimed COVID-19 wasn’t real – died of COVID-19. His profile was updated to reflect he’s now a sickness influencer.

A sexual assault suspect was arrested in Los Angeles after barricading himself in a building on the Paramount Pictures studio lot. “Come out, we’ve got you surrounded, Weinstein!” said cops.

UFC fighter Kenny Ortega returned from a two year absence to defeat ‘The Korean Zombie’ Chan Sung Jung. Ortega beat the Zombie’s brains out, then the Zombie ate them.

Kim Kardashian was interviewed by David Letterman, and refused to tell him who she was voting for in the Presidential election. Kardashian said she expects to cast her ballot right before Christmas.

CVS is hiring over 10,000 pharmacy technicians to deal with increased traffic from flu vaccines, COVID-19 tests, and refilling 72-inch receipts in checkout registers.

NASA and Nokia are putting a 4G cell phone network on the Moon. They’re also building a Boost Mobile store there for astronauts who have so-so credit scores.

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President Trump plans to issue an order to deploy National Guard troops to the Mexican border, stating that they’ll protect the border “until there’s a wall”. Bricklayers who are also in the National Guard are lined up at their doctor’s offices getting notes about their bone spurs.

Skeletal remains found in a Long Island basement were identified as Louise Pietrewicz, a woman missing since 1966. The home once belonged to a married policeman, who was the prime suspect in her disappearance, but who took advantage of detectives too lazy to look for his missing girlfriend’s body in his basement.

A Chinese student is being deported for paying $3,000 to have an impostor take an English-language entrance exam to get into an American university. The good news is she can still complete her University of Phoenix degree online.

WWE Hall of Famer “Luscious” Johnny Valiant died after being struck while crossing the street. Witnesses say he bounced off one guard rail, then the other, before flipping and landing on his back. EMTs arrived, slapped the pavement three times and that was it.

Steven Spielberg said in an interview that, in the future, the next ‘Indiana Jones’ could be played by a woman. Spielberg continued by saying the first 20 minutes would be female Indiana Jones trying on hats to find the right one.

Donald Trump Jr. posted an Instagram photo of his sons playing with their aunt, Tiffany Trump. One of the boys, a four-year-old, posted the same photo to his Instagram account with the caption “feeling up this blond at my grampa’s Easter party.”

tiffany trump

The Food & Drug Administration issued a warning on abuse of loperamide, the active ingredient in anti-diarrheal Immodium, saying addicts are taking hundreds of pills at a time to achieve a methadone-like high and because they hate using public restrooms.

Jay-Z told David Letterman that he cried happy tears when his mother came out to him as gay. But then he cried sad tears when he found out how few words rhyme with ‘lesbian’.

Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan are splitting up, but insisted there are no “secrets” or “salacious events” behind the separation. In a statement, the couple requested privacy as they look forward to independently creating secrets and salacious events.

April 5th is National Burrito Day. Although a coalition has formed in the Northeast to move it to a date later in the spring when it’s warm enough to leave windows open.