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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.