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Two senior executives resigned from Amazon-owned audiobook company Audible. Insiders say the work environment is hostile toward women, but the reason for the departures won’t be clear until H.R. downloads and listens to their resignation letters.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell signed a five-year contract extension at a rumored $40 million per year. Goodell was asking for $50 million, leaving no doubt that his balls were fully inflated.

  • To clear cap space, the league waived 10 janitors and 4 cafeteria ladies.

Raging wildfires continue to spread throughout Southern California, forcing closure of Interstate 405 in the hot zone outside of Los Angeles. It’s gotten so bad, LA drivers opening Google Maps were greeted with thoughts and prayers.

President Trump noticeably slurred his speech during a White House event to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, and to recognize a fizzing glass of water on his nightstand as the capital of his personal dental care.

  • A White House spokesperson said that Trump’s slurring was not caused by slipping dentures, but rather by a dry throat caused by swallowing PoliGrip.

Australia’s parliament approved same-sex marriage; with a 62% majority carrying passage of the Bloke-Bloke Sheila-Sheila Bill.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley said that sending U.S. athletes to the 2018 Winter Olympics is an “open question”, citing the games’ PyeongChang location just 50 miles from the North Korean border, and the cost of outfitting U.S. bobsleds with missile defense systems.

Astronomers have discovered a supermassive black hole they say is 800 million times as massive as the sun.  No intelligent life could survive there, so Republican congressmen are sponsoring a bill to assign it 50 electoral college votes.

Darlene Bradley, mayor of Davenport, Florida, was arrested for using a dead woman’s handicap parking placard so that she could park in front of city hall. The mayor tried to explain that she needed the space because someone was parked in her sinkhole.

General Electric is cutting 12,000 jobs in its Power Division, and aren’t sure whether to call it a downsizing or a power outage.

Visa spent a year developing a “signature sound” to validate point-of-purchase transactions made with Visa cards. The winner was a less-than-a-second sound that Visa says conveys “speed and convenience”. The runner-up was the less-than-a-second sound of a middle aged man saying “f*ck” when reading his family’s Visa bill.

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12 year-old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer is the new champion of America’s Got Talent, succeeding last year’s champion, then-12 year-old ukulele-playing singer Grace Vanderwaal. Producers plan to rename the show ‘America’s Got A Thing For Preteen Girls’.

General Electric Corporation is getting rid of its corporate jets to cut costs. Execs will now have to charter a plane, fly commercial, or befriend a rapper.

Archaeologists have discovered 75 million year-old fossilized dinosaur poop – along with a chiseled note from a Cro-magnon man threatening violence if he finds it outside of his cave again.

  • The poop contained crustacean shells and rotting wood, forcing scientists to reconsider their belief that dinosaurs were herbivores — now concluding that some of them dined at Red Lobster.

Ivanka Trump, appearing on the Dr. Oz show, said she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to each of her three children. Ivanka said much of the depression came because of constant badgering from her father asking when she was getting her hot body back.

  • Responding to Ivanka’s revelation, Dr Oz asked her what postpartum depression is.

Apple said they’re working on a fix for the new Apple Watch Series 3, which sometimes fails to connect to cellular service while on unsecured wireless networks. Apple reiterated the important things are that they still get their money, and that purchasers still get to look like dorks talking to their watch like Dick Tracy.

To help fight the opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy said that it will limit new opioid prescriptions to a 7-day supply, but added that CVS ExtraCare loyalty card members will still get bottomless refills.

President Trump, speaking at a U.N. luncheon, referred to ‘Nambia’ — a non-existent African country — while praising its health care. A White House spokesperson acknowledged the mistake, saying the President was referring to Wakanda, and that he would personally apologize to the Nubian Prince T’Challa.

Melania Trump spoke out against bullying at the U.N. on Wednesday.  “Great speech” said Little Marco.

Rhode Island’s Governor said that the state will cover the $495 cost for DACA ‘Dreamers’ to extend their resident eligibility status, but that they’re on their own once they decide to wise up and leave Rhode Island.