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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.

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2020 U.S. Census results are expected to show the number of white people in the U.S. shrinking, and population growth driven entirely by other ethnic groups. The Proud Boys are considering calling themselves a minority supremacy group.

David Schwimmer denied recent reports that he’s dating Friends co-star Jennifer Aniston. Aniston said they’re still on a permanent break.

Authorities in Italy say the island of Sicily may have set an all-time heat record of 119.8 degrees – driven by a rare anticyclone, and grandmothers refusing to turn their ovens off baking manicotti.

Southwest Airlines said the COVID-19 Delta variant is hurting its business, saying they have fewer drunk & disorderly passengers to pick the seat they get duct-taped into.

Tropical depression Fred is set to hit Florida. It’s set to be the second-biggest depression in Florida, the first being sick kids on ventilators in hospitals.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell got emotional speaking with contestant Jane ‘Nightbirde’ Marczewski, praising her courage and talent as she battles cancer. Cowell then promptly returned to telling other people how much they suck.

An asteroid called Bennu has a chance of striking Earth sometime in the next 300 years. “Could you be more specific?” asked Earthlings.

Taco Bell debuted their Taco Bell Defy concept, a drive-thru only restaurant with four lanes – one traditional, two for mobile pickups, and one for the ambulance.

A piece of Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s wedding cake from 1981 sold for over $2,000. Unlike Charles & Diana, it recently celebrated it’s 40th Anniversary on July 29th.

A judge ruled Norwegian Cruise Lines can mandate COVID vaccines for passengers and crew boarding tours departing from Florida, scoring a victory for traveler’s rights to get seasick.

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A construction worker who ate a bag of black licorice every day for weeks died from heart failure. At his autopsy, the five-foot blockage in his colon entered the Guinness Book of Records as World’s Largest Twizzler.

Amazon announced the new Ring Always Home security camera – a flying in-house drone. Pricing is unavailable, but it’s believed to be cheap enough for creepy kid brothers to spy on their sister’s slumber party.

A federal judge ruled Tucker Carlson is not a reliable source of news. She wasn’t in court, she was just sitting at home rolling her eyes watching ‘Tucker Carlson Tonight’.

Two Californians were charged with murder after discarding a dismembered body on a golf course. The hole was a dog-leg right, and two human legs left.

44-year-old Shauna Bishop, a Sacramento County California sheriff’s deputy, plead guilty to sex with a 16-year-old boy. She was placed under arrest, and the boy was placed over her.

An Arkansas man found a 9-carat diamond while hiking at a state park. He plans to have the stone mounted, and finally ask his pig to marry him.

NASA warned that China will launch its own space station in 2022. To prove it, U.S. astronauts at the International Space Station shared menus left on the door handle reading ‘coming soon’.

Donald and Melania Trump were booed when they visited the body of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They were reportedly shaken because the loudest ones came from inside the casket.

Spoken word poet Brandon Leake won the grand prize on America’s Got Talent. He receives $1 million, and will headline the most poorly-attended show in Las Vegas history.

Police in India are questioning Bollywood superstar Deepika Padukone as part of an inquiry into celebrity drug use. “Don’t give us the usual song & dance” said cops, as Padukone performed a new routine in the interrogation room.

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Kelly Clarkson will take the injured Simon Cowell’s place as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’, just as soon as she can complete a**hole training.

Stein Mart is declaring bankruptcy and plans to close most of its brick-&-mortar stores. The ones that remain open will reuse inventory from dead stores as Franken Stein Mart.

Navigation app Waze added railroad crossing warnings – along with recommendations of how long you need to floor it to beat the train.

There are now a record 13,000 vacant apartments in Manhattan – meaning Wall Street investment bankers will have an even harder time telling their mistresses they can’t find them their own place.

A new biography of Prince Harry & Meghan Markle claims Markle skipped Pippa Middleton’s wedding because she thought it would turn into a spectacle ‘over who had the best butt.’ Prince Charles attended anyway, despite being the biggest ass in the U.K.

The Harvard Business Review published a new article “21 Human Resources Jobs Of The Future”. 20 of them are planning Zoom office birthday parties, and the other one is firing people.

Scientists discovered sharks living in an active underwater volcano in the Solomon Islands. They’re believed to be there collaborating on a script for SharkCano.

Illusionist David Blaine will broadcast his next stunt via YouTube on August 31st – flying above New York City holding helium balloons. New York area sporting goods stores are selling out of bows & arrows.

A missing 3-year-old Wisconsin toddler was found alive after getting lost in woods for 24 hours after following the family’s dog. The child was treated for minor injures, and the dog just wants to be left alone for a while.

The NBA issued a memo to its players still living inside the Orlando ‘bubble’, saying non-family visitors must have “longstanding relationships” with players to be allowed in. So, Khloe Kardashian & Kendall Jenner can each visit about a dozen different guys.

 

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Pennsylvania health officials traced 11 cases of COVID-19 to a Memorial Day party at the Jersey Shore. Test swabs were positive for coronavirus and Acqua di Gio cologne.

A retired Navy officer resigned his board seat on the Naval Academy Alumni Association after mistakenly broadcasting a racist conversation with his wife on Facebook Live. He was then named to the board of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University Sailing Club.

Google Maps added new COVID-19 alerts. Right now, most Americans are just a five minute drive from COVID-19.

Jeff Bezos shared an email from an angry man named Dave, laced with racist rhetoric and condemning Bezos’ support for Black Lives Matter. Bezos told Dave he’s “the kind of customer I’m happy to lose” and “get back to delivering packages”.

A Philadelphia ShopRite grocery store reopened after being looted for 15 hours straight last weekend. Looters formed long lines at the reopening to get loyalty reward points for what they stole.

MIT scientists fit tens of thousands of artificial intelligence brain synapses on a microchip smaller than a piece of confetti. Now they just need to convince dumb people to snort confetti.

Vanity Fair published a rumor that Trump is considering firing son-in-law Jared Kushner. He’s displeased with Kushner’s handling of recent crises, and thinks it would be easy to replace him now that Barron is on summer break.

Execs at mobile video startup Quibi apparently are upsetting show creators by giving intense, harsh feedback. For instance, they sent multiple notes to producers of Chrissy Teigen’s show ‘Chrissy’s Court’; that read “please stop”.

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo on the back of her neck. “Hey, cool tattoo” said a guy who’s gotten to know Hayden Panettiere pretty well lately.

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. – season 6 winner of America’s Got Talent – addressed former celebrity judge Gabrielle Union’s claims of racism, saying he never experienced it as a black man, but that he’s never been asked back to the show. Simon Cowell responded “who’s Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.?”

 

 

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The FBI is warning hackers can exploit vulnerabilities in internet-connected “Smart TVs”. They added that most Americans don’t need to worry because they only watch dumb shows.

‘Van Halen’ is trending on Twitter after singer Billie Eilish told a talk show host she didn’t know who they are. Worse, she did know Van Hagar.

The White House declined Congressional Democrats’ invitation to participate in Impeachment Hearings on Wednesday –  criticizing the process, and adding they conflict with a scheduled appearance of Miss Universe on Fox & Friends.

Melania Trump debuted the White House Christmas decorations in a theme called “The Spirit of America” – it’s a bunch of trees decorated in white trying to keep trees decorated in color outside.

American Airlines grounded a flight out of Florida after a woman faked an illness to get a better seat.  The woman was removed from the flight, and the dog she was sitting next to got the whole crate to himself.

American Hockey League defenseman Josh Healey has developed an app that lets players report abusive coaches and agents anonymously. It also offers tutorials on how to pull their shirt over their head and punch them while on skates.

Ikea is helping to design habitats for future human colonists living on Mars. They figure if they make the furniture even more frustrating to assemble, the colonists will forget they’re living on Mars.

The U.K. Office for National Statistics lowered the life expectancy for babies born in 2019 to 90.6 years, down from 93.6.  They cite overly optimistic prior estimates, and really, really, bad British baby food.

After numerous complaints, Amazon stopped selling Christmas tree ornaments featuring pictures of Auschwitz concentration camp. Your last chance to get one is the White Elephant/Yankee Swap with the racist guy at your office holiday party.

Actress Gabrielle Union claims her contract as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’ wasn’t renewed because producers deemed her hairstyles “too black” and called her “difficult”. She regrets not being there this season to watch people play Yankee Doodle on their armpits and duct-tape their balls to the back of their neck.

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Amazon is reportedly interested in acquiring Boost Mobile, in an effort to expand its relationships to more people with lousy credit.

A university study from Italy finds Twitter usage not only limits intellectual attainment, it undermines it. Their findings are being held up while they determine how to thread them in 280-character segments.

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed five government officials as punishment for a failed summit with Donald Trump, and is having a hell of a time getting someone to plan his kid’s birthday party.

Uber is investigating cases of “vomit fraud”, where drivers charge an extra $80-150 cleaning fee when vomiting never happened, or where passengers claim the dog riding with them took care of it.

A senior official for Nepal’s tourism department said they’re considering changes to limit crowding on Mount Everest, including requiring climbing experience, and letting climbers wait their turn at a new Starbucks.

Cher tweeted Donald Trump should be sexually assaulted in prison. Meanwhile, white-collar prisoners said they’d probably leave a 70-year-old alone, unless they got paid $130,000 to deny it happened.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. Tragedy struck as two womp rats bullseyed by a T-16 Skyhopper turned out to be Chip & Dale, killing them both.

Tinder launched a new feature, Super Boost, which, for added fees, puts premium users in front of a list of profiles shown to possible matches for a half-hour. If that doesn’t work, there’s Super Duper Boost, which is a prostitute.

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor “blew out” his left testicle while practicing high notes. His right testicle was blown out by a VIP ticket holder after the show.

A blind autistic boy wowed the judges of America’s Got Talent with a moving piano/vocal performance, leading parents to go ahead and get their kids piano lessons and vaccines.

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Visitors to a Grand Canyon museum over the last 18 years were exposed to excessive doses of radiation from stored uranium ore. The park safety inspector alerted officials after several incidents of young museum nerds having rage-induced episodes, throwing tourists through walls when they were picked on.

New research suggests middle-aged men who can do 40 push-ups at a time have a 96% lower risk of heart attack and stroke. Men who can’t do 2 have a 1000% higher risk of dying from a heart attack while doing push-ups.

Southwest Airlines is the subject of an FAA investigation for improperly weighing checked baggage, creating a safety risk. A spokesperson denied the allegation, while saying concern over aircraft weight is why they boot so many big people off of flights.

Legalization of marijuana at the state level has resulted in at least 10 recorded instances of fires or explosions at facilities that extract hash oil used in edibles. On the plus side, there’s been a huge increase in the number of stoners signing up to be volunteer firemen.

16 U.S. states sued the Trump Administration to contest the President’s National Emergency Declaration and funding for a U.S./Mexico border wall. Several states including Mississippi are holding out while they wait for someone to show them where Mexico is.

Tyler Perry announced ‘Tyler Perry’s a Madea Family Funeral’ will be the final time he plays Madea. No word whether the Motion Picture Academy will feature Madea during the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ segment so everyone can cheer publicly about it.

Tony Romo will play in his second PGA Tour event in the AT&T Byron Nelson Classic. He was given a sponsor’s exemption on the conditions that he shut up and not loudly predict which club his opponent will use every stroke.

Adult website YouPorn is launching their own app. They say it will allow users more privacy, faster load times and, therefore, faster unload times.

  • YouPorn said the app is designed to meet the exacting demands of creeps flying in coach with spotty wifi.

Netflix cancelled ‘The Punisher’ and ‘Jessica Jones’, meaning Netflix will no longer have any Marvel superhero series. Netflix said they tried to warn fans with hints at the end of the closing credits, but found that losers will only wait for those in movie theaters.

Heidi Klum said goodbye as she ends a six-season run as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’. Producers said they’ll begin a lengthy search to find a replacement with no artistic/athletic/musical talent whatsoever….whoops, they just found a different supermodel.

 

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Nintendo launched Nintendo Switch Online – its first-ever subscription service for console gameplay. Parents say the service is affordably priced at $19.99/year, but are concerned some of their kids have injured their heads repeatedly hitting them on boxes to come up with the money.

Nintendo added that the most popular racer in Mario Kart 8 is President Trump’s penis.

New Jersey authorities and citizens are on the lookout for an alligator spotted roaming in Southern New Jersey. State wildlife officials describe the reptile as “a large alligator with multiple gold chains.”

Maroon 5 is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime act. Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, site of the Super Bowl, is testing to see if the restrooms can handle the 30,000 additional people leaving their seats to not watch it.

Delta Airlines raised its checked baggage fees from $25 to the first checked bag to $30. Additional bags cost $40, up from $35. The good news is that animals dying on Delta flights no longer count as checked bags.

For Jimmy Fallon’s birthday on September 19th, he asked only that people perform a random act of kindness. So throughout America, people took the remote from their partner and shut off The Tonight Show.

Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling 132,600 pounds of ground beef products following an E. coli outbreak. The recall is the basis for the new “Look, it’s not us for once!” ad campaign at Chipotle.

The NFL is closing its 40,000 square foot ‘NFL Experience’ in New York’s Times Square.  The $37-per-ticket attraction was intended to replicate stepping out of the locker room and onto the field of an NFL stadium. Visitors were dissatisfied with having to pay for painkilling injections and CTE scans to take the field.

Coca-Cola is reportedly interested in investing in cannabis-infused soft drinks. Executives are excited over the profit potential in selling soda by the gram.

KISS announced their farewell ‘End of the Road World Tour’ on America’s Got Talent – and were voted off in favor of a 12-year-old girl ventriloquist.

America’s Got Talent’s newest champion is 26-year-old Shin Lim, a Canadian-born close-up magician; the runner-up is Zucaroh, an Austrian acrobatic group. The show concluded with a press conference from U.S.-citizen finalists calling for tighter immigration control.