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The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.

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Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work studying the very poor. They plan to take the prize money and blow it in Las Vegas.

The United Nations says that the world loses $400 billion in food before it reaches stores. “Good” said children who saw 5% of it is broccoli.

A dating expert advises people who have been ghosted on a dating app to send one final positive message: “I’ve been thinking of you and would still love to meet. Let me know.” And if that doesn’t work: “Let’s have sex.”

Etiquette experts compiled a list of the rudest things you can do on a plane. Topping the list – eating smelly food. Second rudest? Crashing it.

Donald Trump tweeted Happy Birthday to the U.S. Navy, but not to his daughter Tiffany. Trump said it was because the Navy is easier to look at.

Southwest Airlines has ended Senior Fares for passengers 65 and older. No reason was given, but Southwest said they’re still keeping bereavement fares, so, you know, six-in-one..

Doctors are warning women not to put toothpaste in their vaginas to tighten them, even though their boyfriends are having better dental checkups. [story h/t to E.T.]

The last surviving search dog that worked Ground Zero after the 9/11 terror attacks has passed away at age 16. He’ll be given a hero’s burial, then be dug up by a different dog. [Story h/t to J.L.]

An elementary school teacher in Australia who passed out drunk during class is banned from teaching for two years. During the ban, she’ll receive training to learn how to time her benders to coincide with days when the kids watch instructional movies.

A Chinese city is introducing hotel sheets & towels imbedded with microchips, scannable by phone to let guests know when they were last washed. They say it’s far more accurate than the old system of asking the bedbugs.