The CEO of Keurig resigned after violations of the company’s Code of Conduct. He was caught in the break room having sex with a coworker and – even worse – drinking two cups of coffee at a time.

Outgoing Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney called this year’s election results “a big win for Team Normal”, adding.. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to join Team Normal”.

Gisele Bundchen purchased a Florida mansion next to one being built by ex Tom Brady. If she wants to keep an eye on Brady, Bill Belichick told her he could send his video guys.

Cryptocurrency exchange FTX filed for bankruptcy. Account holders are unhappy with the company’s promise to pay out their balances with Sad Monkey NFTs.

China’s Singles Day – the world’s biggest annual shopping event – totaled over $1 trillion yuan for the first time. Also for the first time, somebody bought a size Large sweater.

The United States Mens National Soccer Team officially confirmed the 26 players they’ll send to Qatar to get their asses kicked and eliminated in the World Cup.

The City of Philadelphia said they’ll replace the worn and faded international flags that line the Ben Franklin Parkway. They hope to have the flags in time for an Eagles playoff win so local drunks can climb the poles and hang ’em.

Twitter’s Head of Trust & Safety resigned after two weeks under Elon Musk’s leadership. Musk is interviewing candidates for the newly-formed Head of Distrust & Danger position.

A woman in Thailand, Phonchanok Srisunaklua, faces criminal prosecution for a viral video where she eats a bat. Her attorney claims she’ll fight the charges, citing that she was sitting in a KFC.

Sophia Rosing, the University of Kentucky student arrested for racial slurs and physical violence toward a black student and police, has been permanently banned from campus. Her family said she’ll seek treatment while she deliberates over acceptance letters from the University of Alabama and University of Mississippi.

Amazon Alexa smart speakers will soon be able to read stories in the voice of your deceased grandmother. All you need to do is buy an Alexa-equipped speaker, pick a story, and record a short audio clip of your grandmother before you kill her.

Amazon introduced Proteus, its first fully autonomous warehouse robot. It can pick & pack inventory, tell you why unions are a bad idea, and promote better-looking coworkers instead of you.

The Supreme Court struck down a New York State law restricting concealed carry of firearms. Owners of AR-15 assault rifles look forward to concealed carry, once they find really baggy pants to wear to their school or church shooting.

Kendall Jenner and Devin Booker, NBA All-Star for the Phoenix Suns, broke up. Jenner and sister Khloe Kardashian will host a combine-style gathering of NBA players to decide who they’ll bang next.

A mentally ill woman attempted to run her mother over with a car, but missed and drove it into the front of an Old Navy store. The driver was arrested and both came up empty-handed for Fathers Day gifts.

Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis debuted to negative reviews. AMC, Regal, and other theater chains announce that next Friday, Elvis has left the building.

91-year-old media billionaire Rupert Murdoch and model/actress wife Jerry Hall, 65, are divorcing. Melania Trump express-mailed Murdoch her resume and portfolio.

The Economist Intelligence Unit released its 2022 global list of the ‘Most Liveable Cities’. Vienna, Austria topped the list, followed by Copenhagen and Zurich. For the 10th straight year, the Most Unliveable City was a tie between “Everywhere in Mississippi”.

Artistic swimmer Anita Alavarez was rescued after she passed out and sunk to the bottom of the pool following her performance at the FINA World Aquatic Championships. She’ll compete again Friday, but this time she’ll wait a half-hour after eating lunch.

A man in England returned a book to his local library 76 years overdue, which had been borrowed by his dead mother. The library waived the $4,600 in accrued fines, but denied the man’s request to renew it.

Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley was sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the January 6th riots. Separately, Chansley was stripped of his membership in the Water Buffalo Lodge by National President Barney Rubble.

Apple is selling self-service repair kits for iPhones. They come with tools, replacement parts, and slab of concrete you can drop the iPhone on to get started.

Mike Tyson claims he “died” while tripping on psychedelic toad venom – but not before the toad he licked died from a right cross to its head.

Following a housewarming party to celebrate the purchase of a $6.4 million mansion in Salisbury Township, Pennsylvania, the home was destroyed by fire. Firefighters declared the house “warm”.

A lab owned by pharmaceutical company Merck was temporarily shut down when workers found refrigerated vials labeled “smallpox”. They were declared the second-most toxic items in the refrigerator, next to some guy’s leftover Indian food.

A woman claimed Pope Francis performed a miracle on her son when he walked on a Vatican stage. The miracle was that Pope Francis didn’t ask to see the boy naked.

A drop in temperatures and a significant East Coast storm could disrupt Thanksgiving travel plans next week. “Oh no, maybe we should cancel that trip to your parents?” asked hopeful husbands.

CVS is closing 900 stores. The list will be printed on every customer’s receipt.

A new study of Google Search results shows the most popular cake flavor in every state. Ice cream cake was the most popular in 10 states. In Mississippi, the favorite was urinal cake.

Starbucks is giving away free reusable red cups today. Service is expected to be slower-than-usual as needy regulars give detailed drink orders including specific shades of red.

Record flooding struck China. Rescuers complained of not having enough floating junks to haul away floating junk.

A man kneeling atop the dugout at a Triple-A Worcester Red Sox baseball game proposed to his girlfriend. She declined and ran away. He was demoted to Double-A marriage proposals.

Phoenix Suns head coach Monty Williams visited the locker room of the victorious Milwaukee Bucks to congratulate them on their Game 6 NBA title-clinching win. And to grab a couple free bottles of champagne to drink on a date this weekend.

Hospitals used body bags filled with ice water to cool patients in heat-related distress during the recent Pacific Northwest heat wave. And when it didn’t work, it was still a real time saver.

U.S. life expectancy experienced its biggest drop since World War II, with COVID, gun violence and drug overdoses all contributing. 2020 was so bad, it actually took a year-and-a-half off everyone’s life.

The MLB Cleveland Indians are officially changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Team officials made the announcement so Indians gear can be shipped along with Phoenix Suns NBA Champions apparel to underdeveloped countries.

Mississippi is asking the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade, and – if they wouldn’t mind while they’re at it – explain to Mississippians where babies come from.

Producers of ABC’s daytime talk show The View are reportedly looking for a “Trump Republican” to replace departing Meghan McCain. “Not me” said Melania Trump.

San Francisco is reportedly considering $20,000 tamper-proof public garbage cans. At that price, homeless scavengers may decide to stop picking trash cans and start moving in to them.

The NFL issued a memo to all teams, saying that cancellation/postponement of games caused by COVID outbreaks among unvaccinated players & staff could result in forfeiture. That, or Texas-and-Florida-based teams may end up playing each other over and over.

A New York MTA bus slammed into a Brooklyn townhouse complex where it remains stuck, requiring the evacuation of 170+ residents. However, three hipsters moved into the bus, splitting the $4,000 monthly rent.

BroodX cicadas were cited as the cause of a car crash outside of Cincinnati. Two cicadas were ticketed for driving with licenses that expired 16 years ago.

Beech Nut will no longer sell rice cereal baby food, saying it can’t control the high levels of arsenic in the rice. Meanwhile, several parents who tried serving the product claim their baby’s first words as “Are you TRYING to f*ckin’ KILL ME?”.

A viral TikTok video shows a groom nervously checking his phone as his bride walks down the aisle on their wedding day. She explained that his vows were written on the phone, but wondered if Grindr had a notes tab.

The Biden administration bought 500 million doses of Pfizer’s COVID vaccine to donate to underserved countries. However, unvaccinated residents of third-world countries are waiting to see what vaccine lottery prizes he’s giving away.

Mississippi ranks lowest in the country for adult COVID-19 vaccination, and highest in the nation for medical technicians cutting their hands open while holding syringes backwards.

Nitrous oxide, or ‘laughing gas’, shows promising early trial results to treat depression. The study followed 200 depressed individuals partying at an EDM festival with a truckload of canned whipped cream.

NBC cancelled fan-favorite show ‘Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist’, or, as it’s now known, ‘Zoey’s 25- Episode Playlist’.

Indonesian health officials were able to modify mosquitoes and reduce dengue fever transmission by 77%. They did so by introducing male mosquitoes to a bacteria found in Drakkar Noir, so humans could smell and avoid them.

Emma Colonel Alspuro, wife of convicted drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, pleaded guilty in U.S. Federal Court to drug trafficking charges. The former beauty queen will represent Mexico in this year’s Miss Supermax Pageant.

The latest winner of the James Dyson Award for innovation converted rotting and expired crops into renewable energy. The runner up converted rotting and expired crops into Taco Bell menu items.

Scientists testing 75 sunscreens found they all contained a cancer-causing chemical: Diet Coke.

Fitbit is introducing snoring & noise detection to its sleep tracking metrics, and will also count the steps once you’re kicked out of bed and walk to the couch.

Bill Cosby was denied parole because he refuses ongoing therapy for sexual predators. That, and he tried putting Tylenol PM in the therapist’s tea.

Some Nest Learning Thermostats are reportedly shutting off air conditioning units after their latest software update. The update, version 6.1.1-2, was code-named “Yeah? Well it’s STILL too damn cold in here.”

An alligator was spotted in the Susquehanna River in northern Pennsylvania. The alligator is described as being 3 to 4 feet long, and extremely lonely.

Studies of Mediterranean ants show the worker ants will carry their queen to far-away nests to mate, as a way of avoiding inbreeding. Conversely, Mississippi ants are fine with inbreeding, since the kids are only going to do manual labor anyway.

Kroger will give away $5 million to people getting COVID-19 vaccinations at their stores. The winners funds will be loaded on to a shoppers club card that’s paired with the microchip in the vaccine.

The COVID-19 virus variant originally found in India has been identified in Oregon. The Indian buffet also offers five other variants.

Kim Kardashian blamed flunking the ‘baby bar’ exam on COVID-19 – which, coincidentally, was her score on the 800-point test.

Billie Eilish dyed her signature green & black hair blond, then forgot the words to all of her songs.

A new book, ‘Burn’, by Duke University’s Herman Pontzer, claims exercise won’t help you lose weight. He retitled the book ‘Burn’ after originally calling it ‘Planet Fitness’.

Powerful publicists for A-list movie stars told the Hollywood Foreign Press Association – owners of the Golden Globes – to reform their ethics & diversity or lose access to top stars. HFPA responded by nominating Chuck Norris & Jean-Claude Van Damme for ten 2022 Golden Globes.

Russia is demanding an apology after President Joe Biden referred to Vladimir Putin as a “killer”. They say this is different than Donald Trump praising Putin’s killer abs.

‘She’s All That’ actress Rachael Lee Cook & husband Daniel Gillies finalized their divorce, with Cook keeping all accumulated frequent flyer miles. Cook’s acting work has slowed up so badly, the miles are all on Spirit Airlines.

The IRS delayed the 2020 tax filing deadline until May 17th, in order to lighten their workload from the extra month’s worth of coronavirus deaths.

Google announced a $7 billion investment in physical workspace, including its first-ever operations center in Mississippi. Thousands of unemployed Mississippians lined up to get one of the coveted jobs, in their words, “building Googles”.

The first Super Nintendo World theme park opened in Osaka, Japan – then promptly closed for several hours to search for children who disappeared after sliding down large green pipes.

Barack Obama released his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket, picking top seed Gonzaga to win it all. Donald Trump broke with tradition and finally shared his bracket, picking the Harlem Globetrotters.

Italians can be fined $60,000 for selling casu marzu – an illegal creamy cheese made from maggots infesting peccorino cheese. The Guinness Book of Records dubbed it “The World’s Most Dangerous Cheese” – stealing that title from Velveeta.

Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves reacted to President Biden’s criticism of the state’s reopening, saying “Mississippians don’t need handlers”.. adding “we do need people that know how to count, and read, and who understand how medicine works, but not handlers.”

COVID-19 death rates are ten times higher in areas where the majority of the population is overweight. “We’re still reopening” said Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves.

First Lady Dr. Jill Biden shared her sympathy with teachers frustration at leading virtual classes, and concern over returning to in-person learning. Melania Trump agreed, saying it’s impacted her work teaching topless modeling classes.

Burger King Japan launched the Strong Magma One Pound Beef Burger – four quarter pound patties blended with garlic chips and hot japanese pepper powder. The “magma” is apparently the porcelain-melting result of eating it.

Disney is closing 60 Disney Stores – making it even tougher for lonely single women & men in their 40s & 50s to find home decor and apparel.

The latest rocket from Elon Musk’s SpaceX successfully landed vertically after a test flight in Texas, but then exploded several minutes later. Musk then asked the crew of his planned flight to Mars if they think they can de-board in three minutes on arrival.

Meghan Markle accused Buckingham Palace personnel of spreading rumors about her being a bully, and that she’ll personally beat the hell out whoever is doing it.

COVID-19 vaccines reportedly cause swelling in some women’s breasts – making demand for them even higher.

Data from the Common App – an application shared by over 900 colleges & universities, show fewer high-school grads are applying to college. Instead of forgiving student debt, they want the government to forgive their Grubhub bills.

Catholic bishops are discouraging followers from getting the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, which they say is derived from aborted fetuses. They would rather Catholics wait until there’s a vaccine derived from sexual abuse victims.