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Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

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Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work studying the very poor. They plan to take the prize money and blow it in Las Vegas.

The United Nations says that the world loses $400 billion in food before it reaches stores. “Good” said children who saw 5% of it is broccoli.

A dating expert advises people who have been ghosted on a dating app to send one final positive message: “I’ve been thinking of you and would still love to meet. Let me know.” And if that doesn’t work: “Let’s have sex.”

Etiquette experts compiled a list of the rudest things you can do on a plane. Topping the list – eating smelly food. Second rudest? Crashing it.

Donald Trump tweeted Happy Birthday to the U.S. Navy, but not to his daughter Tiffany. Trump said it was because the Navy is easier to look at.

Southwest Airlines has ended Senior Fares for passengers 65 and older. No reason was given, but Southwest said they’re still keeping bereavement fares, so, you know, six-in-one..

Doctors are warning women not to put toothpaste in their vaginas to tighten them, even though their boyfriends are having better dental checkups. [story h/t to E.T.]

The last surviving search dog that worked Ground Zero after the 9/11 terror attacks has passed away at age 16. He’ll be given a hero’s burial, then be dug up by a different dog. [Story h/t to J.L.]

An elementary school teacher in Australia who passed out drunk during class is banned from teaching for two years. During the ban, she’ll receive training to learn how to time her benders to coincide with days when the kids watch instructional movies.

A Chinese city is introducing hotel sheets & towels imbedded with microchips, scannable by phone to let guests know when they were last washed. They say it’s far more accurate than the old system of asking the bedbugs.

 

 

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A Frontier Airlines passenger shared a feel-good post about a flight attendant who helped calm a screaming baby en route to Denver. The baby stopped crying long enough to tell the flight attendant how much Frontier Airlines sucks.

Chick-fil-A will now offer macaroni & cheese in all restaurants. Brace yourself for every lowbrow food critic in your social media feed telling you what they think of it.

Cuba Gooding Jr will face trial on charges he groped a woman without consent. Thousands of “show me the money” jokes were shut down once he was released without bail.

The Trump Administration is proposing changes to the Endangered Species Act, supposedly to make it easier to enforce. Don Jr. and Eric continue to ask their father if the new law is ready yet so they can hunt pandas at the Washington National Zoo.

Following Jeffrey Epstein’s reported suicide by hanging, his autopsy was completed by the New York City medical examiner’s office. The coroner needs more information before certifying cause of death – information like ‘where did the bullet holes come from?’

An entomologist for the National Pest Management Association said travelers should store suitcases in hotel bathrooms to avoid bedbugs. The insect expert said bedbugs are rarely found in hotel bathrooms, because they’re afraid of the crab lice.

Cybersecurity experts warn of new malware; a program that waits for a user to go to a porn site, then starts recording the screen – including passwords – after they leave. Currently, the malware only targets French users, so to get those passwords, the hackers have to watch a lot of hairy-armpit porn.

Minneapolis, Minnesota banned drive-thru windows on any new businesses. Hopefully that cheeseburger is worth getting out of your car and risking frostbite.

Samsung is reportedly working on a fast-charging graphene cellphone battery to include with 2020 Galaxy handsets. The graphene batteries charge in a fraction of the time of Samsung’s lithium-ion batteries, but burn just as long.

Venice, Italy banned large cruise ships from entering the city’s historic center. They cited a large ship colliding with a dock, as well as damage caused by Mysterio’s battle with Spider-Man while Peter Parker vacationed there.

A tornado touched down in Amsterdam — blowing the whole city, not just visitors to the red light district.