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1,069 dancing robots in China broke the Guinness world record for synchronized robot dancing. Once they finished, the robots went back to stealing good American jobs.

  • The robots’ parents are disappointed that they chose dancing over a more secure job like building iPads, but the robots’ girlfriends still believe in them.

A woman in Missouri donated more than 1,000 ounces of breast milk to Houston-area families impacted by Hurricane Harvey. She’s been inundated with questions from Dads asking how to get it into their wives’ breasts.

  • “No thanks, I’ll stick with water” said Houston’s homeless single men.

Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign memoir hits stores Tuesday, because Tuesdays are her lucky day of the week.

Disney World is set to reopen on Tuesday, just days after Hurricane Irma passed by Orlando, although some attractions will be closed. Mr. Toad remains shaken after an even wilder ride than he’s used to.

The New England Patriots are already replacing the newly-installed artificial turf at their home field, Gillette Stadium, after losing their first game of the 2017 season playing on it. Players complained that the field was too soft, and the coaching staff was unhappy with the microphones installed on the visitor’s sideline.

YouTube star PewDiePie is under fire for using the n-word while broadcasting a live stream of him while he played a video game. More troubling is that the game is chess.

Apple is expected to debut the first $1,000 iPhones on Tuesday; experts say you should expect to spend 2-3 months salary on an engagement ring or one of the new phones.

China has notified the World Trade Organization that it will ban the import of certain types of solid waste sent from the U.S. The waste includes scrap plastic, unsorted paper, and millions of copies of ‘Trump: The Art of the Deal’.

Miss North Dakota, 23 year-old Cara Mund, was crowned Miss America 2018 on Sunday night in Atlantic City. Mund plans to use the $50,000 scholarship to open a school for her fellow militia members back home.

 

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President Trump returned from his tour of Houston in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, telling White House staff that it’s the biggest water hazard he’s ever seen.

Hurricane Harvey is estimated to be the costliest disaster in U.S. history, somehow surpassing the 2016 Presidential Election.

Ronda Rousey was married over the weekend to longtime boyfriend and fellow MMA fighter Travis Browne. Rousey was a total knockout in a Galia Lahav gown, a departure from getting knocked out in a sports bra and tight shorts.

  • Rousey’s next scheduled bout is ‘not tonight I have concussion symptoms from my last two fights’.

DeVry University was ordered to pay its students $49 Million in penalties for misleading advertisements. The judge ordered DeVry to just add it to their alumni’s Burger King paychecks.

A construction project near Denver unearthed the 66 million year-old fossilized skeleton of a triceratops. The triceratops claimed seniority and assumed its new role as project foreman.

A 1000-person study commissioned by Baskin Robbins claims that the way you eat ice cream can accurately predict your personality. Those eating from a cone are optimists, those who eat from a bowl are more conservative, and those who skip eating at Baskin Robbins are more confident about living longer.

Tickets for Bruce Springsteen’s Broadway debut, Springsteen on Broadway, went on sale Wednesday, with scalpers immediately commanding up to $6,000 a ticket, leading budget-conscious theatre-goers to opt for $1,000 Hamilton tickets instead.

Producers of ‘It’, the new movie adaptation of Stephen King’s novel featuring a terrifying clown, ‘Pennywise’, dismiss complaints from the World Clown Association that the movie is hurting business for real life clowns, telling them to ‘just look at the White House’.

Uber’s new CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, will finally meet his staff today; he’s expected to outline his vision for the company, turn up the air conditioning and change the radio station.

 

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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.