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Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.

 

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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.