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The International Olympic Committee’s longest-serving member, Dick Pound, said he believes the IOC has three months to decide if the COVID-19 virus is controlled, or the Tokyo Olympics must be cancelled. He then fielded a half-hour of questions about his gay porn name.

Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program he’s “dead right” that the COVID-19 virus is “the common cold”, but is being weaponized to take down Donald Trump. Noting his advanced cancer, his critics said they, too, hope Limbaugh is “dead, right?”.

The jury has been released following the conviction of Harvey Weinstein on two sexual assault charges, and most are now receiving counseling for the PTSD they’re experiencing from having to look at photos of Weinstein nude.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down immediately, to be succeeded by Disney Parks CEO Bob Chapek. “How many f***ing times are they going to pass me over, Minnie?” squeaked a long-time employee.

The FDA is accusing sandwich chain Jimmy John’s of serving vegetables linked to E.coli and salmonella outbreaks. Company officials said they’ll do a better job convincing customers that vegetables have no place on sandwiches.

A 61-year-old woman who said she never drank showed high levels of alcohol in her urine and was diagnosed with “auto brewery syndrome”, where yeast in her bladder fermented. She’s debating between treatment, or continuing to sell Shirley’s Small-Batch IPA for $20/pint.

A Tokyo man shared the story of Nintendo replacing his 95-year-old mother’s broken Game Boy handheld which hasn’t been made since 2003. Nintendo found a brand new one in a warehouse, and the woman played it until her death at 99 when she was struck by a turtle shell.

The U.S. has begun testing a coronavirus vaccine at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and boy is that goat tired of needles.

Michelle Janavs – heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune – was sentenced to 5 months in prison for her role in the College Admissions Scandal. It’s the longest frozen food prison sentence since the racketeering takedown of the notorious Totino’s Crime Family.

Struggling retailer GameStop is trialing three new “concept stores” at locations in Oklahoma, designed to be less focused on game sales, and more focused on social interaction. All three are Starbucks.

 

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Major League Baseball’s Anaheim Angels put a football field in their stadium so the Philadelphia Eagles can practice there during their west coast road trip. To make the Eagles feel at home, the city of Anaheim bused in hundreds of homeless people to yell obscenities and vomit on each other.

McDonald’s is rolling out its new Dollar Menu in January. For the first time, Happy Meals will be discounted, offering much-needed to relief to unemployed cash-strapped toddlers.

According to a report in The Intercept, the White House is considering its own private spy network separate from the CIA. Fueling the reports, Ivanka Trump brand’s Chinese apparel factory is frantically churning out black capes and fedoras.

Netflix fired Danny Masterson from its show The Ranch following multiple allegations of rape filed against the star.  He begins work on his new show,  The Nevada Chicken Ranch, next week.

The International Olympic Committee will decide whether to ban Russia from the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for state-sponsored cover-up of doping, and because this month’s Russian bribe envelope was unusually light.

Accused sexual harasser Representative John Conyers announced that he’s planning to retire; then he will wake up and grope more women.

The world’s largest Starbucks – 30,000 square feet – will open Wednesday in Shanghai, promising customers all the tea.

Netflix is reportedly experimenting with interactive tv shows, allowing viewers to help direct the story. Netflix subscribers anxiously await their chance to kill off Winona Ryder.

The 709-carat ‘Peace Diamond’, owned by a village in Sierra Leone where it was found,  sold below appraised value for a disappointing $6.5 million at auction. Worse, the buyer’s girlfriend muttered “I guess it’s okay.”

Kroger is recalling bottles of purified water for babies because some bottles had mold growing in them. Kroger’s CEO is said to be angry with the move; since it’s purified mold, he doesn’t know what the big deal is.