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Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro faces questioning after the discovery of Brazil’s military purchasing over 35,000 Viagra pills and three silicone penile implants. The questions would be directed to the three highest-ranking generals, but Bolsonaro said they’ve all been pretty busy. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

New York City subway shooting suspect Frank James was apprehended, but is alleged to have called the Crime Stoppers hotline to tell police he’d be near a McDonald’s in the city’s East Village. Cops surrounded James after finishing their McFlurries.

President Biden committed $800 million in military weapons & aid to Ukraine. Although, thanks to inflation, the price went up to $900 million the next day.

The U.S. Government announced new ways they’re helping households ease the burden of medical debt, including better disclosures, debt forgiveness, and the approval of the first-ever At-Home, Do It Yourself Boob Job.

Georgia Representative & inveterate dipshit Marjorie Taylor Greene said in an interview that joining the U.S. military is like “throwing your life away”. Greene defended her right to make such comments, having served 10 years in CrossFit.

Amazon is rebranding its free, ad-supported streaming video service from IMDB TV to Amazon FreeVee. They say the programming is so good, they’ll send you a bottle to urinate in because you won’t want to leave your chair.

Alabama legislators passed a record high education budget of $8.3 billion, including more money for school supplies and pay raises of 21% for some teachers. Teachers can qualify for even bigger raises if they have a 6th Grade diploma.

A 9-year-old girl waiting to see the Easter Bunny at a California mall was shot by a store owner chasing a shoplifter. The girl is expected to recover, and the Easter Bunny is now concealed-carry packing.

East coast convenience store chain Wawa is giving away free coffee all day Thursday in honor of their 56th anniversary. Doctors specializing in gastrointestinal illness are no longer accepting Friday appointments.

In the premiere episode of Hulu’s The Kardashians, Kim worries that a new sex tape may emerge from ex-boyfriend Ray J, asking “What if I was f***ing sleeping and he stuck a dildo up my ass?” Viewers were shocked to learn that Kim is an incredibly deep sleeper.

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.