14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

NASA’s Pereseverance rover successfully landed on Mars, where it was promptly roverjacked, forced to drive to an ATM to withdraw money and stripped for parts. NASA believes there may, indeed, be life on Mars.

Two women were arrested for an incident at an Atlanta AMC movie theater, when one of them shot a woman who shushed them. Police identified the couple from surveillance footage of them buying popcorn and bullets at the concession stand.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned from Cancun after public outrage for his abandoning Texas during their storm crisis. Texas’ other Senator, John Cornyn, could not be reached for comment while he remained on a sex tour of Thailand.

Former Trump ally-turned-critic Nikki Haley reportedly asked for a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but was turned down. Conflicting reports claim Trump agreed to the meeting, but insisted it happen in a hot tub.

A former 60 Minutes producer claims Ghislaine Maxwell admitted video exists of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton engaged in sexual activity at Epstein properties, but she “doesn’t know where they are”, except the ones shown at Mar-a-Lago Member Movie Night.

A white man from Tennessee was arrested for using former President Obama’s name and presidential seal on a handgun permit application. Cops grew suspicious when he entered the full name as The Rock Obama.

A new study claims Neanderthals were wiped out 42,000 years ago, from a climate crisis caused by a reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. “Yeah, bullsh*t” said velociraptors.

Retired MLB All-Star Johnny Damon was charged with DUI in Florida. Damon’s blood alcohol content of .200 was over twice the legal limit, but still got him dropped to eighth in the batting order.

$23,000 raised in a GoFundMe for ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ Tessica Brown is under investigation to ensure the money is directed properly. Until then, it’s stuck.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz teamed up to say they’re being fraudulent used as endorsers of CBD Oil products. They reemphasized their endorsements are exclusive to psychiatric quackery and miraculous cures like acai & green coffee bean extract.

Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx appeared on ‘Dr Phil’ to tell a ‘catfished’ woman that he really didn’t propose marriage to her. “Thank you Dr Phil, good..you’re the one who made me feel alright.” she said.

A new lawsuit claims Subway restaurants have no actual tuna in their tuna salad. The claim is supported by a whistleblower cat, hired by Subway to eat mice and lick counters clean.

Alabama’s coronavirus positivity rate is the highest in the nation. “Hooray!” said Alabamians who still don’t get what ‘positive’ means.

Post Cereals acknowledged there’s a nationwide shortage of Grape Nuts, coinciding with a nationwide shortage of dentist appointments to fix broken teeth.

A storm packing 80mph winds toppled 15 giant sequoia trees in Yosemite National Park. The park suffered over $200 million in damages, and a GoFundMe was established to benefit dozens of homeless squirrels.

Encrypted messaging app Signal added new mainstream chat features, in order to appeal to a wider audience of people seeking to overthrow their government.

A Louisiana cemetery refused to bury a black sheriff’s deputy because it sold plots in the 1950s promising “whites only”. The deputy may still be interred there, because dead bigots said they’d only be buried with blacks “over their dead body”.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg said they intend to “turn down the temperature” and downplay divisive political posts in News Feeds. “Alright, we’re back in business!” said kittens.

Hobby Lobby said it will discontinue 40% off coupons, responding to intense criticism from grandchildren getting crappy homemade birthday gifts instead of money.

Kraft is launching a pink-colored version of its macaroni & cheese for Valentine’s Day. For the next two weeks, poison control centers are being told to expect frantic calls from parents mistakenly thinking their toddlers are throwing up blood.

Attorney General William Barr resigned. Donald Trump said Barr will spend time with his family over the Holidays, so Barr left D.C. for Mount Crumpit outside of Whoville.

Cast members from The Sopranos will reunite to raise money for New York firefighters. The firefighters are deciding on a plan in case the envelope with the money feels a little light.

Vladimir Putin congratulated Joe Biden on his election victory. Putin said he looks forward to working with Biden, but probably not as closely as the last guy.

End-to-end encrypted messaging service Signal announced video calling for up to five people – for drug dealers who really want to get to know their customers face-to-face.

Best Buy will sell Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X/S game consoles online-only “sometime after 8a.m. Central time” on December 15th. Frantic parents can expect to be really pissed off they didn’t get one “sometime after 8a.m. Central time”..

TikTok will start hiding potentially disturbing videos behind a warning screen. Examples include scenes from horror films, animal hunting, and parents & teachers dancing.

Twitter user @jobreauxx claims a male passenger seated behind her died of COVID-19 during a flight, despite efforts to revive him, which carry a $99 additional fee on Spirit Airlines.

Pornhub removed all hosted video content from ‘unverified uploaders’. Then they clarified ‘uploaders’ are people who submit sex videos, not the men watching them.

Dr. Phil McGraw is concerned that quarantine will limit recovering addicts having in-person support group meetings, and that he’ll have a harder time recruiting people for his tv show at in-person addiction support meetings.

Workers at a Chipotle restaurant in New York claim they’ve been bitten by rats as they try to eradicate them from the currently-closed store. The rats are also unhappy that eating there made them sick from E.coli.

Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.