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Pew Research claims millennials may have difficulty buying a home, because wealthy baby boomers are divorcing and taking the inventory. Or, millennials can decide to hook up with a divorced 60-year-old.

Kim Chavez, owner of Wyoming strip club The Den, spoke to USA Today about the pandemic: “We knew that once our doors closed, we were screwed until we could reopen.” Now they’ve reopened, dancers wear masks, and are screwed in the Champagne Room.

Anosmia, or losing your sense of smell and taste, has been added to the official list of coronavirus symptoms in the United Kingdom. “Great!” said the U.K. general manager of KFC restaurants.

As quarantine restrictions continue, more Americans are using their cars as office space. Some have even hired consultants who have extensive experience working in cars: prostitutes.

FC Seoul, a soccer team in South Korea, apologized after the team used rubber sex dolls to fill the stands, holding up signs for the company that makes them. FC Seoul players were even more disappointed, thinking they finally had groupies.

Grubhub users discovered that Pasqually’s Pizza & Wings is really food made at Chuck E. Cheese locations. They figured it out when the food was delivered by a giant rat who insisted on doing song & dance routines.

Apple Stores are planning to slowly reopen. They’ve slowly downloaded the reopening plan and are just waiting for it to slowly install before restarting.

An Ocean City, Maryland restaurant, Fish Tales, is enforcing social distancing by making patrons eat & drink while standing inside of giant inner tubes on wheels. The good news is blackout drunks’ heads just bounce off it.

John Krasinski’s quarantine hit YouTube series ‘Some Good News’ went on hiatus after its 8th episode. Its rumored replacement is ‘Some Terrible News’ which is Jared Kushner talking to a smartphone camera about his day.

The U.S. reportedly needs up to 180,000 ‘contact tracers’ to gauge exposure from those with COVID-19. They seek tech-savvy people with success investigating others’ location using the phone and social media .. so, dumped boyfriends & girlfriends.

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A Seattle-area man was arrested for letting his pit bull drive his 1996 Buick over 100mph.  The pit bull was also arrested for driving with a suspended license. 

North Dakota GOP Senator Kevin Kramer apologized for a tweet calling House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “retarded” – but said ‘retarded’ was autocorrected from ‘ridiculous’. Just like the time he typed ‘Pepboys’ into his web browser and ended up at Pornhub.

A survey released by the Pew Research Center showed 9 in 10 Americans believe that current COVID-19 related restrictions are necessary. 1 in 10 still aren’t aware that Mardi Gras is over. 

New York’s Attorney General is investigating group chat app Zoom, citing security and data privacy problems, after several teenagers complained video of their naked genitals shown when they hacked into work conference calls turned up elsewhere online. 

‘The Office’ and ‘Jack Ryan’ actor John Krasinski launched a YouTube channel dedicated to “good news”. The good news is, you don’t have to watch it. 

Keanon Lowe, an Oregon teacher & football coach who talked a student out of self-harm with a shotgun – then hugged him – will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Best of all, said GOP Congressmen, he gets to keep the gun. 

CNN’s Chris Cuomo tested positive for coronavirus. Liberal-minded news viewers are warned to stay six feet away from their TVs. 

Idaho will no longer allow transgender women to play on girl’s athletic teams. State officials are debating what to do about voiding the single-season record for softball home runs, set last year at 75. 

A shelter-in-place order was issued for south Florida’s Lauderdale County – meaning all 10,000 people on the beach must move beneath their umbrella. 

A neurosurgeon who separated conjoined twins has passed away from COVID-19 complications. For their part, the twins are planning a tribute, once they put their heads together.