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Microsoft revealed they’ve received 238 gender discrimination and harassment claims over the past six years, many of them citing lewd and vulgar responses to help requests submitted to Clippy the Office Assistant.

Toys R Us stores announced they’re closing or selling all locations and will fully liquidate. Also expected to liquidate? The pants of kids hearing that Toys R Us is gone.

Investment banking giant Goldman Sachs is expected to name David Solomon as their next CEO. Solomon, 56, is a part-time electronic dance dj who works New York and Miami clubs as ‘DJ D-Sol’, at raves which start at 4:30pm and end at 8:30.

Sears is seeking to improve its women’s apparel sales by bringing in the Jaclyn Smith line of clothing from KMart. Sears hopes to regain market share in women’s clothing that it’s been losing to Goodwill and its customers dying.

A new report claims that McDonald’s burgers and fries are higher in calories and salt than they were 30 years ago. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying that can’t be true since the burgers and fries have been in inventory for 35 years.

A new dating app, Waving, allows users to select potential partners by letting you hear the sound of their voice. Executives say the app’s beta is doing well with every category except hot deaf women.

A Minnesota woman was sentenced to a 180-day jail term for fatally shooting her boyfriend in a botched YouTube stunt. Her boyfriend held a book in front of his chest, believing it would stop the bullet. Unfortunately, it was an ebook.

Former ESPN President John Skipper said he resigned after his cocaine dealer threatened to extort him. The dealer said unless Skipper acceded to his demands, he could…go…all…the…way….to Disney CEO Bob Iger.

According to the National Institute on Retirement Security, 66% of millennials have no money saved for retirement. Millennials responded to the survey by saying they’re more interested in using money on experiences – like travel, concerts and homelessness.

Jeopardy! viewers took to Twitter to identify contestant Paris Themmen – who called himself an entrepreneur and backpacker – as the child actor who portrayed Mike TeeVee in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  Themmen finished second, winning $2,000, a case of Aleve and the heave-ho from weird looking little people.

 

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Facebook is clamping down on “engagement bait” – posts that specifically ask for Likes, Comments & Shares. Everyone on Facebook promptly forgot the phone number of the Suicide Hotline and now just assume that no one is ever listening.

ESPN President John Skipper resigned from the network, citing a substance abuse issue. No further details were released, but it’s believed the head of ESPN can’t stop kissing Lebron James’ ass.

Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson – focus of an NFL investigation regarding sexual harassment – announced that he is selling the team, but keeping the cheerleaders.

President Trump tweeted  his opinion that Republicans will do “very well” in 2018, presumably because none of them will pay any taxes.

Chick-fil-a is being praised for breaking with tradition and opening its Atlanta airport location on Sunday to feed passengers stranded there because of a power outage.  Delta Airlines tried feeding the hungry travelers, but ran out of meals after they got to Row 15.

Sarah Idan, competing as Miss Iraq in the Miss Universe pageant, said that she’s received death threats for a selfie she posted while posing with Miss Israel – and a lesser number of death threats for her singing in the talent competition.

According to corporate compensation firm Equilar, just one woman appears on their list of Highest Paid Executives Age 40 & Under – and man, does she ever get hit on a lot.

Campbell’s Soup is acquiring Snyder’s Pretzels, in an attempt to corner the market on sad lunches.

Austin McChord, a former student at Rochester Institute of Technology, donated $50 million to the school, the largest donation in its history – but will somehow still get six calls every year from the phone bank at the Alumni Pledge Drive.

Today, Twitter will begin enforcing its new rules around hate speech, violent threats and harassment – redirecting those activities to Reddit, whose new mobile apps launch today.