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Supermodel Kate Upton and husband Justin Verlander announced that they’re expecting a baby. Elon Musk delivered Upton a specially-engineered nursing bra.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia said that the driver of a 710-horsepower McLaren 720S luxury sports car totaled it one day after it was purchased for $288,000.  The driver survived, but is still upset at having insured the car with The General.

Twitter undertook a large-scale purge of suspicious accounts, with Katy Perry and Justin Bieber each losing 2.5 million followers.  Meanwhile your Mom picked up 3 followers this week so she considers herself Twitter’s big star now.

Fernandina Beach, Florida reopened one day after two men were bitten by sharks. The men were treated and released, the sharks wrapped up vacation and returned to work at the beaches near Disney Orlando Resorts.

Papa John’s board of directors announced that Chairman John Schnatter, who admitted using the ‘n-word’ on a conference call, will be removed from all marketing materials. Schnatter was also removed from his office at Papa John’s headquarters. He’s said to be evaluating a new company with chef Paula Deen, specializing in white pizza.

Google Chrome angered users with its latest update by expanding its required memory usage on your computer. Google said Chrome just needed a bigger place to crash.

President Trump and Russian President Putin held their summit in Helsinki. Trump kicked off the festivities along with several scantily clad cheerleaders, shouting as Putin arrived.. “gimme a P..!”.

CVS is apologizing after a white male store manager called the police on a black woman customer who attempted to redeem a coupon. The manager doubted the authenticity of the woman’s coupon because it was less than two feet long.

Tim Tebow announced that he’s dating 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. Tebow said he doesn’t expect her to go all the way….to Binghamton, New York, the upstate New York town where he plays Double-A baseball.

  • For her part, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters said that both her hyphens, and her hymen, remain intact.

In Indonesia, an angry mob killed 300 crocodiles that were living in an animal sanctuary after crocs killed a 48-year-old man who had entered the crocs’ breeding pond. The sanctuary is promising to build stricter barriers, while the mob is enjoying their new belts, shoes and handbags.

 

 

 

 

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Sprint and T-Mobile called off merger plans. Conference calls to discuss the deal kept dropping.

Supermodel Kate Upton married Houston Astros pitching ace Justin Verlander in Tuscany, just days after the Astros’ World Series win. Verlander missed the Astros victory parade, but still managed to see some big floats.

Gonorrhea rates are up 63% in Australia over the last five years, as Health Dept. authorities there express concern over the emergence of skinnier, sexier kangaroos.

Former NASCAR champion Matt Kenseth announced his retirement, citing inability to find a sponsor. Kenseth said he never thought his career would take such a right turn.

Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman in 40 years to win the women’s division of the NYC Marathon, as ICE agents throughout the course touted a successful roundup of Kenyans.

Pharmacy giant CVS plans to offer next-day delivery of prescription drugs nationwide, and may offer same-day delivery in some urban markets, in an effort to stave off competition from Amazon and those sketchy guys who hang out on the corner.

Utah passed a bill to change their anti-bigamy law. Current Utah law says bigamy applies when a married man “spiritually” weds another woman, leading thousands of men to request divorces from women they spiritually married for a hundred bucks.

Scientists have discovered a 30-meter ‘void’ in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Further investigation is required to determine whether it’s a Pharoah Cave or Scrapbooking Room.

President Trump arrived in Japan, and was presented with a gift from Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe – a custom hat embroidered with the slogan ‘Donald & Shinzo – Make Alliance Even Greater’. Trump said it reminded him of the slogan on favors from his wedding, ‘Donald & Melania – She Signed the Prenup’.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say the number of assaults go up by nearly 3 percent once Daylight Savings Time ends in early November, and that’s just counting their latest bus ride back to campus in Philadelphia on Sunday.