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Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are rumored to be in an “epic fight” over his decision to unretire and play another NFL season. Gisele is currently not staying at their home in Tampa, and Tom is feeling deflated.

New York City ended its mask requirement for subways, buses and other mass transit, allowing commuters to once again savor the full aromatic bouquet of urine.

Saudi Arabia threatened Netflix over content that ‘violates Islamic values’. Specifics weren’t given, although it’s believed Saudi officials are upset over gay characters, same sex kissing, and the continued availability of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack And Jill‘.

Barack & Michelle Obama will return for the unveiling of their official portraits at The White House. Meanwhile Donald & Melania Trump will attend the unveiling of their official portraits to hang in the restrooms of Texas Roadhouse.

A Southwest Airlines pilot threatened to cancel a flight from Houston to Mexico because a passenger was Air Drop’ing nude photos to other passengers. The pilot was angry because he had an Android phone and couldn’t see them.

Genealogy technology identified the killer of Stacey Lyn Chahorski, a Michigan woman missing for 33 years, as Henry Wise, a truck driver who died in 1999. His body will be exhumed so hero cops can put handcuffs on his skeleton and perp=drag him to court.

Archaeologists discovered a 31,000-year-old body in Indonesia which, they say, highlights advanced medical knowledge because of its lower-leg amputation. They also believe it shows advanced culinary knowledge because of the recipe they found to cook the leg.

Kanye West said Hollywood is a “giant brothel”, adding that pornography “destroyed (his) family”. Ex-wife Kim was unavailable for comment while being photographed exposing her bare buttocks for the cover of Interview magazine.

Thieves in Brazil stole a parked vehicle after kicking out a naked couple having sex inside it. The vehicle was last spotted several miles away traveling at a high rate of speed with the windows down.

An Only Fans model said she almost died after undergoing labiaplasty to relieve discomfort in her vaginal area. She said she paid $6,000 for the procedure, but made about 50 times that much on Only Fans selling before-and-after pictures.

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Florida advanced a controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning discussion and activity about gender identity and sexual orientation in primary grade schools. This really messes up 6th graders who’d readied their drag queen acts for the big talent show.

A new study claims changing to a healthy diet could extend your life by up to 20 years. The same study finds Discshortened lives for anyone who’s rolled up over 20,000 reward points in the McDonald’s app.

Five Olympic ski jumpers were disqualified for wearing clothing deemed “too baggy” that could unfairly help them stay aloft. Another five were disqualified for eating rice & beans that could illegally aid in mid-air propulsion.

An Indonesian crocodile that had a motorcycle tire stuck around its neck for six years finally had it removed. The croc would have had it done sooner, but he’d paid for free lifetime balancing and rotation.

Tesla is recalling vehicles because their faulty heat pumps won’t properly defrost windshields, leaving Tesla autopilot drivers watching movies unable to look up and see what their car is crashing into.

The first evidence of the Omicron variant of COVID-19 being spread to wild animals has been found – a raccoon complaining to a veterinarian that he can’t taste or smell the garbage he’s eating.

New research links sleeping to weight loss. The study followed drug addicts who nod off for 16 hours a day.

Discovery Networks merger with WarnerMedia was approved – paving the way for ‘Dr Pimple Popper: The Movie’.

Kanye West made a open plea on Instagram for a reunion with Kim Kardashian and their kids, posting family photos captioned ‘GOD PLEASE BRING OUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER’. God liked the pic but did not post a comment.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the premiere of her new movie ‘Marry Me‘. No word on whether they’ll attend the premiere of his upcoming release ‘Let’s Just Have Sex And See Where This Goes‘.

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A New York MTA bus slammed into a Brooklyn townhouse complex where it remains stuck, requiring the evacuation of 170+ residents. However, three hipsters moved into the bus, splitting the $4,000 monthly rent.

BroodX cicadas were cited as the cause of a car crash outside of Cincinnati. Two cicadas were ticketed for driving with licenses that expired 16 years ago.

Beech Nut will no longer sell rice cereal baby food, saying it can’t control the high levels of arsenic in the rice. Meanwhile, several parents who tried serving the product claim their baby’s first words as “Are you TRYING to f*ckin’ KILL ME?”.

A viral TikTok video shows a groom nervously checking his phone as his bride walks down the aisle on their wedding day. She explained that his vows were written on the phone, but wondered if Grindr had a notes tab.

The Biden administration bought 500 million doses of Pfizer’s COVID vaccine to donate to underserved countries. However, unvaccinated residents of third-world countries are waiting to see what vaccine lottery prizes he’s giving away.

Mississippi ranks lowest in the country for adult COVID-19 vaccination, and highest in the nation for medical technicians cutting their hands open while holding syringes backwards.

Nitrous oxide, or ‘laughing gas’, shows promising early trial results to treat depression. The study followed 200 depressed individuals partying at an EDM festival with a truckload of canned whipped cream.

NBC cancelled fan-favorite show ‘Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist’, or, as it’s now known, ‘Zoey’s 25- Episode Playlist’.

Indonesian health officials were able to modify mosquitoes and reduce dengue fever transmission by 77%. They did so by introducing male mosquitoes to a bacteria found in Drakkar Noir, so humans could smell and avoid them.

Emma Colonel Alspuro, wife of convicted drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, pleaded guilty in U.S. Federal Court to drug trafficking charges. The former beauty queen will represent Mexico in this year’s Miss Supermax Pageant.

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Smoke from the U.S. wildfires has reached France – where it now wears a beret and striped sweater and makes fun of Americans along with the other smokers.

Navigation app Waze added lane guidance, so you’ll know when to get in the far-right lane before you start texting.

Donald Trump claims there are 25 witnesses disputing The Atlantic’s report that he called dead U.S. soldiers “losers” and “suckers” while in Europe. The witnesses are Barron’s classmates who clarify that he said it to them at Career Day.

Thanks to wildfires, Portland, Oregon has the worst air quality of any location on Earth. Which is news to the people in the restrooms at Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station.

Simon Properties shopping malls will stay closed on Thanksgiving, but will hold socially-distant trampling events throughout the Holiday season to help folks get in the spirit.

Madonna will direct a film biography of her own life. She’ll fund the project since studios balked at her casting choice for ‘Young Madonna’ – herself.

Red Lobster will offer the Dew Garita, the first “official” Mountain Dew cocktail, and the 100,000th overall, if you count the ones from losers drinking out of brown bags at the skate park.

COVID-19 cases among Florida children jumped 26% in a month. Contact tracers say teacher/student relationships are in full swing.

Eight people in Indonesia who refused to wear masks were ordered to dig graves for COVID-19 victims as punishment. They were then told to lie in the graves and wait.

Big Ten college football will return next month. Every player will be required to take COVID-19 tests. Those who fail will be assigned a tutor whose nasal mucus will pass.

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Thomas Hatchett, an 86-year-old resident at a New Jersey retirement community, was charged with the shooting death of a 71-year-old fellow resident. Hatchett was apprehended watching whatever he wanted to on the rec room tv.

Nike canceled its Betsy Ross Flag shoes after Colin Kaepernick raised concerns – then laid off the bonnet-wearing Indonesian factory women sewing the flags on the shoes while sitting in rocking chairs.

Former Google employee Andy Rubin – founder of the Android operating system – is accused in divorce proceedings of having several mistresses and of running a ‘sex ring’. “Tell me more about this Android sex ring” said lonely Japanese bachelors.

The deadly poison Sarin was detected at a mailing facility on the Facebook campus. Employee reactions ranged from Wow! to Angry to Sad.

A former NASA intern who purchased footage of the 1969 moon landing for $218 may earn millions when it’s auctioned by Sotheby’s, who rated the video “flawless”. The auction will take place just as soon as someone edits out the director yelling “Action!”

A 70-year-old marathoner who set an age group record in the L.A. Marathon was disqualified for cheating. He claims he isn’t a bad guy, citing the 5-star review he gave to his Uber driver.

A Jim Beam warehouse containing 45,000 whiskey barrels caught fire. “I’LL save you!” said alcoholic Superman.

Domestic violence charges were dropped against Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Odubel Herrera.  Observers speculated that Herrera has four balls, cause it looks like he’s gonna walk.

A 10-foot 800-pound shark was tracked off of the Jersey Shore in Cape May. It’s believed the shark is a local, since it complained about the calamari.

President Trump’s July 4th celebration is rumored to be costing the National Parks Service $2.3 million – angering those saying that money is for employees who never clean or deodorize National Park restrooms.

 

 

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Supermodel Kate Upton and husband Justin Verlander announced that they’re expecting a baby. Elon Musk delivered Upton a specially-engineered nursing bra.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia said that the driver of a 710-horsepower McLaren 720S luxury sports car totaled it one day after it was purchased for $288,000.  The driver survived, but is still upset at having insured the car with The General.

Twitter undertook a large-scale purge of suspicious accounts, with Katy Perry and Justin Bieber each losing 2.5 million followers.  Meanwhile your Mom picked up 3 followers this week so she considers herself Twitter’s big star now.

Fernandina Beach, Florida reopened one day after two men were bitten by sharks. The men were treated and released, the sharks wrapped up vacation and returned to work at the beaches near Disney Orlando Resorts.

Papa John’s board of directors announced that Chairman John Schnatter, who admitted using the ‘n-word’ on a conference call, will be removed from all marketing materials. Schnatter was also removed from his office at Papa John’s headquarters. He’s said to be evaluating a new company with chef Paula Deen, specializing in white pizza.

Google Chrome angered users with its latest update by expanding its required memory usage on your computer. Google said Chrome just needed a bigger place to crash.

President Trump and Russian President Putin held their summit in Helsinki. Trump kicked off the festivities along with several scantily clad cheerleaders, shouting as Putin arrived.. “gimme a P..!”.

CVS is apologizing after a white male store manager called the police on a black woman customer who attempted to redeem a coupon. The manager doubted the authenticity of the woman’s coupon because it was less than two feet long.

Tim Tebow announced that he’s dating 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. Tebow said he doesn’t expect her to go all the way….to Binghamton, New York, the upstate New York town where he plays Double-A baseball.

  • For her part, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters said that both her hyphens, and her hymen, remain intact.

In Indonesia, an angry mob killed 300 crocodiles that were living in an animal sanctuary after crocs killed a 48-year-old man who had entered the crocs’ breeding pond. The sanctuary is promising to build stricter barriers, while the mob is enjoying their new belts, shoes and handbags.

 

 

 

 

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President Trump signed a declaration to create the Space Force — a task force to find space for all of the children being put in cages by his zero-tolerance immigration policy.

Microsoft – who works with ICE and the Border Patrol – urged the Trump Administration to reconsider the zero-tolerance policy and end the separation of families. Apple has yet to comment, but asked border agents if the detained children wanted to kill time learning to assemble iPads.

14% of U.S. adults now smoke cigarettes – an all-time low. While health officials praise the decline, the general population is concerned about how much harder it is to figure out who the cool people are.

An articulated python killed a woman and swallowed her whole in Indonesia. 54-year-old Tiba Wa was checking on her home vegetable garden. The python was also there checking on food, but was not vegetarian.

In other Indonesian news, a North Toraja man died when the coffin of his deceased mother fell on him at her funeral. The man had repeatedly said his mother was suffocating him, but, in fact, he died of head injuries.

The U.S. Golf Association apologized for Fox Sports U.S. Open golf broadcast, when mics picked up two male spectators talking about aggressive sex, with one saying that he “headbutted” and “smacked” his female sex partner. The men said they were whispering, but Tiger Woods asked them to speak up.

Queen Elizabeth’s cousin, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, will become the first member of the Royal Family to be wed in a gay marriage. Asked if the Queen will be in attendance, Lord Mountbatten replied “which one?”

Developer Niantic announced that they’ll soon add Pokémon trading to mobile game Pokémon Go. Though many adults have already been trading Pokémon for healthy relationships.

A woodchuck is being blamed for stealing American flags from veterans’ burial plots at a Massachusetts graveyard. The woodchuck said he’s presenting the flags to widows of veteran woodchucks hit by cars.

Two Akron, Ohio firefighters have been suspended amid accusations that they filmed a pornographic video in a municipal fire station. The film depicts several methods for sliding down a fire pole.

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”