The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a man who went overboard after leaving a bar on a Carnival Cruise ship bound for Mexico, upping their rescue record for overboard drunks to 1-for-10,000.

A water main break at Bridgestone Arena in Nashville forced the postponement of the NHL Nashville Predators/Colorado Avalanche game, since neither team agreed to play floor hockey instead of ice hockey.

Former German Prime Minister Angela Merkel said at the end of her term there was nothing she could do to influence the behavior of Russian President Vladimir Putin – since she was 67 and not that hot anymore.

Elon Musk will reintroduce verification to Twitter, with blue checks for individuals, grey for corporate accounts and gold for government. All will be manually verified, so Musk is considering black checks indicating who’s dead by the time they finish.

Kanye West is running for President in 2024. Nobody thinks he’ll win, but everyone is dying to watch him debate.

Researchers from Australia National University claim to have found ‘the world’s oldest meal’ in 550-million-year-old fossils unearthed in Russia. It’s a Swanson Hungry Cro-Magnon Man Salisbury Steak Look-At-Cave-Wall dinner.

Jennifer Lopez announced a new project ‘This Is Me..Now’ which “chronicles the emotional, spiritual and psychological journey that she has taken over the past two decades.” Male fans asked “that’s all great but how’s your ass holding up?”

Fashion house Balenciaga apologized for photos featuring small children holding bags depicting teddy bears wearing bondage gear. Critics said if little kids wanted to hang around bears in bondage gear, they could go to their hairy gay grandfather’s house.

Fired University of Tennessee football coach Jeremy Pruitt admitted to giving a player’s mother $300 in a Chick-fil-A bag to help her with personal expenses, in violation of NCAA rules. The mother turned him in because there wasn’t any food in it.

A 48,500-year-old virus has been revived from permafrost in Siberia, and has already replicated itself in a lab. It was discovered next to the frozen body of a Siberian guy with herpes.

A woman taking selfies on a closed Grand Canyon trail fell to her death. The photos were uploaded to her account on Instaslam.

The NFL’s Washington Redskins are exploring new names. Odds of a name change actually happening are even money at Native American casinos.

London reopened pubs with few restrictions on social distancing and mask-wearing. Residents are confident that if they get sick at a London pub, it’ll be from the food.

In multiple cities, protestors tossed commercial fireworks at cops. The cops didn’t return fire because they were enjoying the Neil Diamond and Lee Greenwood songs that protestors played as the fireworks exploded.

Kanye West announced he’s running for president of the U.S. It’s unclear if he’s serious, but if he wins, no one’s expecting the White House to stay that way.

A recent poll found 27% of Americans would reject a free coronavirus vaccine. They’re doing a new poll to see if the numbers improve if they can pick out a toy or get ice cream after.

A resident of Florida contracted a brain-eating amoeba. #Starving is now trending on Twitter for three straight days.

Repeated exposure to nighttime fireworks can cause anxiety and memory loss – like remembering how many fingers you used to have.

Rideshare giant Uber is acquiring food delivery service Postmates for $2.65 billion and no tip.

The surge in hard seltzer sales has led to more people using them to make ‘spiked popsicles’. Which, in turn, has led to more & more kids passed out and puking next to the monkey bars.