By |

Hershey’s Chocolate is retiring their ‘Kissmobiles’, large motorized vehicles in the shape of wrapped Hershey’s Kisses. They say the 20-year-old vehicles are in disrepair because they keep melting on hot days.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio blasted Domino’s for selling $30 pizzas to New Year’s Eve revelers in Times Square. Event sponsor Planet Fitness echoed his sentiment, saying if people wanted, they could join for 20 cents and get pizza for free.

Ricki Lake shaved her head after revealing her nearly 30-year-struggle with hair loss. She’s now ready to begin struggling with hair growth.

A Florida jury awarded $4 million to a Disney Cruise worker struck by a car while off the ship in a port-of-call, saying she received inadequate medical care from ship doctors. The doctors argued that they couldn’t treat her properly because she would only quack.

Greyhound Bus Lines is offering free tickets to runaways seeking to reunite with their families. To qualify, the rider must call a runaway hotline, be between 12 and 21 years old, and decide that a Greyhound bus ride is somehow better than life on the street.

The National Hockey League fined Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella $20,000 for a postgame rant about officiating following a loss. Tortorella could have just punched a referee instead and gotten a five-minute timeout.

A new Gallup poll of Americans named Michelle Obama the “most admired woman” of 2019.  Respondents were asked to name a woman they admired, and after men replied with the name of a porn star or Instagram model, they were told ‘not like that’.

The Mediterranean diet was named the best diet by U.S. News and World Report. The popular Keto diet ranked next-to-last, but only because someone entered The Taco Bell Diet.

A 58-year-old man missing in the Grand Canyon for 11 days was found alive. Search crews resumed efforts trying to find him after initially waiting to see if Santa Claus could do it.

Consumer advocates advise people not to abbreviate 2020 as 20 on paper checks and legal documents, claiming that doing so makes the digits easily changeable and subject to fraud. The same advocates also advise people writing paper checks to learn how to use a goddamned computer.

 

By |

The eastern span of New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge was imploded, falling in to the Hudson River. Dive crews began the lengthy process of retrieving all of the bodies poured in to the bridge’s now-shattered concrete pillars 60 years ago.

Taco Bell will test a vegetarian menu at select stores; the locations will be chosen just as soon as they can figure out where all of the broke vegetarians live.

A Federal judge struck down the Trump Administration’s plan to add a U.S. citizenship question to the 2020 census, despite the Administration’s offer to reward specially-selected non-citizens with a free trip to Mexico.

Chipotle debuts its Lifestyle Bowls for Keto, Paleo & Whole30 diets today – they’ll be sold along with their most successful weight-loss item, E.coli.

Netflix announced price increases for all of its subscription plans, with the price of its most popular plan increasing to $13. When angry customers call Netflix and threaten to go back to cable, the operators put them on hold so they can laugh.

Lifeway Research surveyed 2000 adults age 23-30 who attended Protestant churches in high school,  and found that two-thirds of them had stopped going. The main reasons were “life changes”, “pastor or church related reasons”, and “terrible wifi”.

President Trump was lambasted for misspelling hamburgers ‘hamberders’ in a post to Twitter. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders sprung to his defense, saying Trump obviously meant to write ‘frankferders’.

A Goodyear survey of young adults found that only 51% of millennials can correctly identify the low-tire-pressure light on a car dashboard, while 88% can correctly identify emojis. Car makers plan to create a low-tire-pressure emoji and text it to young adults while they’re driving.

Gymboree plans to declare bankruptcy and close all of its 900 children’s clothing stores. Beleaguered store managers are preparing for one last wave of toddler girls at the Going Out of Business sale slugging it out for that cute outfit they’ve been eyeing.

Walmart acquired plus-size clothing brand Eloquii for $100 million; Eloquii makes clothing exclusively in women’s sizes 14 and above. To align with Walmart shoppers preferences, they’ll rebrand Eloquii items as ‘Medium’.