The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.