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The NFL agreed to changes in its Concussion Protocol, but assured fans that their Playing With Other Broken Body Parts Protocol remains the same.

Disney Paris is closing down the ‘Snow White’ attraction indefinitely, leading to unfair labor practice lawsuits from seven plaintiffs.

Former Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke and two other men received the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work in the banking industry during financial crises. Then they spent their prize money on lottery tickets.

A group of boys selling candy bars in a Hooters parking lot were asked to stop by the manager, so the boys assaulted him and broke his arm. The manager said he was fine with them selling candy, but wanted them to change out of their orange booty shorts.

Multiple participants were injured jumping into a pit of foam rubber cubes at video-streaming conference TwitchCon. One woman stated she broke her back in two places and couldn’t stop Twitching.

Apple’s new ‘crash detection’ feature for iPhone 14 and Apple Watch is mistakenly calling 911 when people ride roller coasters. A theme park visitor wearing an Apple Watch called 911 fifty times between rides on roller coasters and the bumper cars.

Kanye West’s antisemitic posts were removed by Twitter and Instagram; he’d accused Diddy of being controlled by Jewish people. In other news, Kanye cleared 3 million followers within 15 minutes of his debut on Truth Social.

During the New York Mets season-ending loss to the San Diego Padres, Mets manager Buck Showalter had Padres pitcher Joe Musgrove searched for foreign substances. Umpires found no slippery or sticky substances, just a switchblade and a flask of bourbon, and Musgrove was allowed to continue.

A Massachusetts high school football coach quit mid-season with his team 3-3, because of vulgar, abusive behavior from players’ parents. The parents said they were just warming up for when they start yelling at the hockey coach in a couple months.

An elderly female at a Cartagena, Colombia nursing home suffered a heart attack during a “stripper party” where exotic dancers entertained the residents. Someone performed chest compressions on the woman, then shoved 100 pesos in her bra.

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A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

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Scientists now claim there were three species of tyrannosaurs, not just Rex – but concluded Tyrannosaurus Seth & Tyrannosaurus Dakota weren’t tough enough to survive.

Major League Baseball, unable to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with players, cancelled Opening Day. Ticket holders are advised to make alternate plans to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.

Former The Bachelor-star-slash ‘out’ gay man Colton Underwood got engaged in Big Sur, and is happy that he found his Big Sir.

Felicity Ace, a cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars like Lamborghinis & Porsches, sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it caught fire. Filming begins next week on The Fast & The Furious: Crabs vs Sea Turtles.

Jon Bon Jovi turned 60, and is now Livin’ On A Medicare.

Republican representatives and serial imbeciles Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene repeatedly heckled President Joe Biden during his State Of The Union address, but were allowed to stay because they’d each met the two-drink minimum.

Doctors report the pickleball craze is leading to a rash of hospital visits among baby boomers. Players are advised to employ stretching exercises before games, and to always bring their defibrillator.

Philadelphia dropped its mask mandate, allowing city drivers to see the smiling face of their carjacker.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine may increase in the price of beer, according to the Brand Manager in charge of the wild new flavors of Bud Light Hard Seltzer!!

Juli Boeheim, wife of Syracuse University basketball coach Jim Boeheim, was robbed at gunpoint outside of the city’s Destiny USA shopping mall. The robber was credited with a steal, and Juli with a turnover.

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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Clinical trials show a drug commonly used to treat constipation, Prucalopride, improves memory in test subjects. Online message boards report a huge surge in people taking the drug, then taking the Jeopardy! Online Test while on the toilet.

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp all experienced a massive outage on Monday, leading to a steep drop in home-cooked Monday night dinners since they couldn’t be photographed & shared online.

Former White House advisor Stephanie Grisham says in her new tell-all book that Melania Trump wanted to send full-length mirrors to African children “so they could see they’re very strong”. But she was also worried damages in shipment would lead to their having seven years of bad luck.

Amazon is starting their Black Friday deals early, due to “supply chain issues” – which is what they call bathroom breaks for warehouse workers.

Amazon is also instituting a $10 fee for grocery deliveries from its Whole Foods subsidiary. They say the fee includes delivery drivers telling customers which organic produce in the order is already rotten.

Rapper Boosie Badazz confirmed he’d been kicked off the Legendz Of The Streetz mega-tour because of an onstage fight and a shooting during his appearance at a Baltimore club. Promoters told him to come back once he’s Boosie ResponsibleAzz.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young continues her battle over their divorce settlement, claiming Dre had at least three mistresses while married. Proceedings have dragged on for months due to time involved for her lawyers to ‘depose dese hos’.

NASA’s DART mission – Double Asteroid Redirection Test – will deliberately crash a spacecraft into an asteroid to alter its path near Earth. The mission will be captained by one of the only NASA astronauts with several confirmed DUIs.

Sarah Silverman criticized the casting of non-Jewish actors to play Jewish roles. Because there aren’t enough Jewish people involved in making decisions in Hollywood.

Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Guardians – formerly Indians – will continue to sell Indians merchandise and donate the proceeds to Native American charities. They’ll also sell Guardians merchandise, but donate most of it to third-world countries.

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Record flooding struck China. Rescuers complained of not having enough floating junks to haul away floating junk.

A man kneeling atop the dugout at a Triple-A Worcester Red Sox baseball game proposed to his girlfriend. She declined and ran away. He was demoted to Double-A marriage proposals.

Phoenix Suns head coach Monty Williams visited the locker room of the victorious Milwaukee Bucks to congratulate them on their Game 6 NBA title-clinching win. And to grab a couple free bottles of champagne to drink on a date this weekend.

Hospitals used body bags filled with ice water to cool patients in heat-related distress during the recent Pacific Northwest heat wave. And when it didn’t work, it was still a real time saver.

U.S. life expectancy experienced its biggest drop since World War II, with COVID, gun violence and drug overdoses all contributing. 2020 was so bad, it actually took a year-and-a-half off everyone’s life.

The MLB Cleveland Indians are officially changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Team officials made the announcement so Indians gear can be shipped along with Phoenix Suns NBA Champions apparel to underdeveloped countries.

Mississippi is asking the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade, and – if they wouldn’t mind while they’re at it – explain to Mississippians where babies come from.

Producers of ABC’s daytime talk show The View are reportedly looking for a “Trump Republican” to replace departing Meghan McCain. “Not me” said Melania Trump.

San Francisco is reportedly considering $20,000 tamper-proof public garbage cans. At that price, homeless scavengers may decide to stop picking trash cans and start moving in to them.

The NFL issued a memo to all teams, saying that cancellation/postponement of games caused by COVID outbreaks among unvaccinated players & staff could result in forfeiture. That, or Texas-and-Florida-based teams may end up playing each other over and over.

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Flip or Flop star Christina Haack finalized the property settlement in her divorce from fellow HGTV star Ant Anstead. She keeps all their houses, but he gets to keep his Ant farm.

An all-woman broadcast team will call the Tampa Bay Rays/Baltimore Orioles game, a first for Major League Baseball. Not much will be different, only viewers will have to wait a couple of days to hear what the players did wrong.

The FBI is planning to upgrade criminal background checks for gun purchases, for tighter controls on sales to individuals under 18. Buyers are encouraged to act now if they want to give gifts for Sweet 16 parties and quinceaneras.

A tv docudrama about the Sex Pistols is hitting a snag as John ‘Johnny Rotten’ Lydon wants to block use of the group’s music. Producers may have to improvise by having teenage drug addicts bang on kitchen utensils.

Chrissy Teigen mourned the death of her dog, Pippa. Before the animal died, Teigen said she apologized for years-ago tweets calling the dog a fat bitch.

New York Yankees players Aaron Judge, Gio Urshela & Kyle Higashioka all tested positive for COVID-19, forcing the postponement of Thursday’s game. After those three strikes, the Yankees were out.

Google Maps is being accused of providing “potentially fatal” hiking routes. Google said they can’t help it if someone asks for walking directions on the Cross-Bronx Expressway.

An Indian bride called police and canceled her wedding, saying she didn’t want to marry the man because he was in love with someone else. The groom admitted he was in love with the other woman, but she was a lousy cook.

Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin flight will include the youngest – 18-year-old Oliver Daemen – & oldest – 82-year-old Wally Funk – space travelers ever. Daemen said he’s limited Funk to a total of two boring stories over the duration of the trip.

Machine Gun Kelly said he had a poster of actress & current girlfriend Megan Fox in his room as a teenager. He’s glad it worked out with Fox, because he was too late for his Farrah Fawcett poster.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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An expansion of the U.S. earthquake early-warning system makes it available to 50 million people on the West Coast. The system, called Shake Alert, faces criticism from users confusing earthquakes with their Shake Shack order being ready.

Following dozens more reports of injured children, Peloton reversed their positions and agreed to recall their treadmills. Peloton online fitness classes were constantly interrupted by people pulling their kids out from under the belt.

An advisory board upheld Donald Trump’s ban from Facebook & Instagram, but said they need to decide again in six months after seeing how many state & federal crimes Trump was facing.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf is teaming up w Penn State football to encourage vaccination. “Nah, I think we’re good” said Wolf when retired assistant coach Jerry Sandusky offered his help.

Police in Bensalem, Pennsylvania debuted the Copsicle truck, a community-relations effort where police give away free ice cream. So far the truck has been used to successfuly lure & capture over 20 sixth-graders who jumped bail.

Multiple Major League Baseball teams are giving fans a free ticket when they get a COVID-19 vaccine at the stadium. The Philadelphia Phillies are reevaluating their plan after vaccine recipients were heckled and pelted with batteries by anti-vaxxers.

Zhe “Shelly” Wang, an interpreter for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, denies rumors that she’s responsible for their breakup. It’s hard to tell if the divorce is the result of too much Wang, or not enough.

The summer’s hottest top for women is Mirror Palais’ “underwire polo” – a crop-top that pairs an underwire bra with a button placket, collar and long sleeves. The hottest top for men is whatever they wore yesterday, probably.

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nine babies at once. She’s seeking parenting advice from others who have had a similar experience, but so far has only heard from cats.

A San Francisco tech CEO was ousted for taking LSD before an investor’s meeting. He said he got the idea from multiple middle-managers who dropped acid to get through their annual performance reviews.