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Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

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A passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Anchorage was subdued after running down the aisle naked waving his arms in the air. And he still couldn’t get a second bag of pretzels.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says that America has to get rid of Donald Trump. Introducing new Diet Coke w Heroin!

Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea cases have reached record highs in California in 2017. Although the California Department of Public Health conceded that the data were recorded prior to Harvey Weinstein losing his job at Miramax Studios.

Researchers claim to have deciphered four dirty jokes that were hidden behind other paper in Anne Frank’s diary, and have asked Amy Schumer to admit they weren’t hers.

Actress Patricia O’Grady lived in a rent-controlled two-bedroom Greenwich Village apartment for $28.43/month until her death in March at age 84 after being struck by a car. Her landlord was unable to attend the funeral because he was dropping his car off for bodywork.

61-year-old ‘lunch lady’ Lenora Williams of Radford, Virginia was found to have embezzled over $250,000 from the city’s school system. Williams died unexpectedly in 2017, just days after collecting one final windfall from Taco Tuesday.

Rockport shoe company filed for bankruptcy, citing decreased demand from men wanting to look like time-travelers from the eighties who never get laid.

LaGuardia Airport in New York opened Jabbrrbox stations – 7-foot-tall glass cubes that rent for $30/hour. The cubes are billed as private airport spaces where travelers can work or relax.  They changed the name to Jabbrrbox after the public was frightened by their first-choice name, Sleeper Cells.

Facebook announced that users will be able to flag messages related to harassment, hate speech and suicide on Facebook Messenger. Although Facebook said content monitors who get sick of seeing too many flagged messages will just reply with a Thumbs Up emoji.

Facebook said they’d taken down 21 million pieces of adult nudity between January and March of this year. “Man, Zuckerberg, your wife sure posts a lot of pictures on Facebook!” joked a guy who doesn’t work at Facebook anymore.

John Travolta danced onstage with 50 Cent at the Cannes Film Festival, although 50 declined when Travolta asked for a slow song to dance to.