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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.

 

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A ‘flying taxi’, backed by Google co-founder Larry Page, is starting test runs in New Zealand.  So far the biggest issue is passengers falling to their deaths after saying “just drop me off anywhere.”

President Trump addressed the military on Tuesday and floated the idea of creating a “Space Force” to fight future battles in outer space. The Chairman of Fox Entertainment declared the newly debuted Fox Kids cartoon ‘Space Force’ a huge hit.

Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking died at age 76. No cause of death was listed but I mean…come on.

The U.K. will expel 23 Russian diplomats after Moscow refused to explain how a Russian-made nerve agent was used on a former spy in Salisbury, England. The diplomats are said to be stunned over a return to Russia, thinking there’s no way they’d have to live anywhere that the food is worse than England.

The World Surf League has instructed broadcasters televising women’s surfing events to avoid close-ups of the surfers’ crotches and buttocks in high-cut bikini bottoms. Representatives for the broadcasters agreed, and said they’ll try to focus their cameras on the sharks ogling the women from several feet away.

Walmart plans to expand its grocery delivery business – meaning they’ll ask the Frito-Lay and Hawaiian Punch truck drivers to toss stuff on Walmart shoppers’ porches on their way to the stores.

‘Ear seeds’, or auriculotherapy is trending. The treatment derives from Chinese medicine and involves sticking plant seeds on the ear to treat bodily ailments. The treatment can be done at home, but some hospitals have reported treating infections from cheapskates rubbing sesame seed Whopper buns on their ears.

Students nationwide walked out of their high-school classes to protest gun violence. Most protests are planned to last at least 17 minutes — or, longer, if you’re the skinny kid and it’s Dodgeball Week in gym.

A California teacher and reserve police officer trained in gun usage accidentally fired his weapon during a public safety class, sending a bullet in to the ceiling and injuring a student from falling debris. The accidental firing is in dispute, since the teacher’s last words before the gun went off were “I said SHUT UP.”

Ford Motor Company is recalling over a million midsize cars since the steering wheel can become detached, and knock the cell phone out of drivers’ hands.