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Ohio voted to protect legal access to abortion in the state constitution. Students in multiple Texas high school districts voted for Cleveland as the destination for their senior class trip.

Charles III gave the first King’s Speech to British Parliament in 72 years, following his ascension to the throne after the death of his mother. It started rough, with Charles asking “so, anybody here from out of town?”

Ivanka Trump arrived in New York to testify in the financial fraud trial of the Trump Organization. The state’s Attorney General said she may also subpoena Tiffany Trump, who never worked for the organization, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

Actor Patrick Dempsey was named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, in what Donald Trump calls another rigged election, and what Dempsey’s manager calls a lifeline keeping the forgotten actor from appearing in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

Disney Parks is cracking down on visitors who violate their line policies for the disabled – banning several wheelchair paraplegics who mistakenly stood up to prove they were tall enough for the rides.

Philadelphia voters elected Cherelle Parker as the city’s first woman mayor. Philly business owners are worried their cost of doing business will go up since they now have to put their bribes in Louis Vuitton bags.

Pizza Hut is offering a snake meat pizza in Hong Kong. Several confused delivery drivers were fired for exposing their snake meat to customers.

Four men were charged with the theft of an 18-carat gold toilet from the home of Winston Churchill, valued at $6 million. Although the value dropped significantly after the thieves installed it the morning of Taco Tuesday.

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear brand is collaborating with Swarovski crystals, leading to emergency room visits for women suffering genital abrasions after putting the briefs on inside-out.

A Canadian woman delivered a 14 pound, 8 ounce baby boy measuring 21.6 inches, breaking the hospital record. The infant was delivered by c-section and a crane to lift him out.

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Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook’s policy allowing lies and misinformation in political ads is “something we have to live with”… like “spending millions for a wall around your house” or “selling personal information without consent”.

The first all-female spacewalk is taking place today — right after ‘Ellen’ so they’ll have some fun things to talk about!!

Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo negotiated a five-day cease-fire from Turkey.  [Mike drop]

  • Turkey did not, however, call it a cease fire. They referred to it as a “pause”…in killing innocent Kurdish people before steamrolling more of Syria.

New York’s City Council approved a plan to close Rikers Island and spend $8.7 billion to replace it with four high-rise prisons. They said they’ll recoup some of the money suckering tourists into thinking the jails are the Empire State Building.

  • They haven’t named the high-rise prisons, but the most popular suggestion so far is Trump Towers.

Jennifer Garner shared a video of her mammogram appointment, inspring women and disappointing creeps who disliked missing all the good parts.

Royal Caribbean banned a woman passenger for life for climbing onto the railing outside of her cabin to take a selfie. However, a spokesman for budget cruise line Carnival said she’s welcome on board their new ship Dangerous Selfie Of The Seas.

President Trump attended the ribbon-cutting of a new Louis Vuitton factory in Texas – opened to make enough luggage to carry all of Melania and Barron’s stuff when they finally ditch him.

Duchess of Sussex and new mom Meghan Markle told an interviewer “not many people have asked if I’m ok.” adding, “they also haven’t asked if I’m rich, and I am, so I guess I’m ok.”

American Airlines Captain Joe Weis, piloting his final flight for the airline, gave his flight wings pin to a 2-year-old on board, saying “NOW will you PLEASE stop crying?!”

Ethiopia opened its Imperial Palace to the public for the first time, at which point it was immediately stormed by thousands of Ethiopians wondering if they had anything to eat in there.