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Walker Boone, voice of Mario in the 90s cartoon show Super Mario World, has passed away. His last words were “it’s-a no longer me”.

27 people aboard a Carnival Cruise Line ship bound for Belize have tested positive for COVID-19. The passengers are vaccinated, most are asymptomatic, and all are asking for their own private supply of crab legs at the buffet.

Britney Spears’ father, Jamie, agreed to remove himself from her conservatorship. No word on who will control Britney’s estate in the near-term, but it’s a sure thing she won’t ask to spend money on singing lessons.

Mama June Shannon, reality tv mom of Honey Boo-Boo, is suing a Beverly Hills doctor for $35,000 for botching her dental surgery. The suit demands $17,500 for each tooth.

Adidas, which acquired Reebok in 2006 for $3,8 billion, is selling the brand for just $2.5 billion. Journalists sought comments from athletes who wear Reebok shoes, but couldn’t find any.

Eminem’s 19-year-old child Stevie announced they’re non-binary, and will use pronouns they/he/she – and, any new ones that come out.

Former MLB All-Star Jim Edmonds got engaged to Kortnie O’Connor, who reportedly had a threesome with Edmonds & his third ex-wife Meghan. Edmonds is confident in Kortnie’s ability to produce in the clean-up spot.

NASA increased the odds of massive asteroid Bennu striking Earth sometime before 2300. Although gamblers who bet that Bennu will strike Earth may have a hard time collecting their winnings once the planet is blown up.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Vinny Guadagnino is selling his California home after realizing it was on the wrong coast.

Washington state reported the first sighting of live murder hornets in the U.S. in 2021. They were difficult to recognize at first because of the masks.

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McDonald’s announced it’s returning some items to the menu that had been cut for efficiency during the pandemic. Returning items include fully-cooked Quarter Pounders.

A part owner of the Golden State Warriors said his favorite interview question is asking a candidate to “think about something you love and teach it to me”.  He said it demonstrates creativity, and that it’s enabled him to learn a bunch of new sex positions.

Facebook removed some Trump ads for displaying an inverted red triangle – a symbol of organized hate. Then Facebook execs returned to counting the money they earn from disorganized hate.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website is now selling a candle ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm” for $75. Expensive, but her past husbands and boyfriends have spent a lot more to smell it.

Blood type may play a role in which COVID-19 patients get sickest. So far, the worst blood types to have are ‘New Jersey’ and ‘Florida’.

A new study lists seven health benefits of walking – or, eight, if you count walking alone without your family.

Tesla released a software upgrade for its electric cars, including the ability to record self-facing video from the dashcam, so drivers can see what they look like when they’re getting carjacked.

JCPenney kicked off Going Out Of Business sales at 136 of its store locations, and Probably Going Out Of Business sales at the rest.

Fox News viewers took note of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s smoother facial features, leading to speculation that she’s enhanced her appearance with fillers, a facelift, or a third mortgage of her soul with the Devil.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June Shannon, admitted that she was addicted to drugs, with a $2,500-a-day meth habit. Her friends offered to get her into rehab, but first they offered to find her much better prices for meth.

 

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Boston & Tel Aviv-based startup company ClimaCell is using new, crowdsourced data collection methods to improve local weather forecasts. However, they will still need the more-accurate local weather to be communicated by women with huge breasts.

A dead whale washed ashore in the Philippines with almost 100 pounds of plastic in its stomach – or, put a different way, the wetsuits of four different scuba divers it ate.

President Trump tweeted that he thinks Saturday Night Live is colluding with the Democrats and Russia after watching a rerun featuring a skit making fun of him. SNL returns with a live episode hosted by Joe Biden with musical guest Pussy Riot.

Reality TV star Mama June Shannon – mother of Honey Boo Boo – was arrested at an Alabama gas station while allegedly possessing crack cocaine. Shannon, who lost over 100 pounds after gastric sleeve surgery, was carrying a lot less crack than she used to.

A new startup called Basement is creating a social media app where your network is  limited to 20 of your closest friends, or the 20 people you’d most like to have send you their naked selfies.

Amy Schumer revealed that her husband Chris Fischer is on the autism spectrum. She made the discovery when he told her that he had to watch The Leather Special an even number of times.

Longtime Democratic Party strategist Donna Brazile joined Fox News as a contributor, where she’s expected to never be seen or heard from again.

A study in journal Frontiers in Microbiology found that the longer astronauts stay in space, the more likely viruses like chickenpox, shingles & herpes will reactivate. The reason may be increased levels of stress and red-hot unprotected space sex.

A petrochemical fire near Houston continued for a third day, covering the city in thick smoke and a putrid stench. To learn how to cope with the disgusting conditions, Houston has called in a team of people living in Newark, New Jersey.

A British politician is urging McDonald’s in the United Kingdom to end its Monopoly promotion, claiming it manipulates people into eating more fast food. Tom Watson, Deputy leader of the Labour Party, was elected with the slogan “I get how things work.”