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A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

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Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham is pregnant. She’s looking forward to doing some plus-plus-sized modeling.

United Airlines tightened its alcohol guidelines for pilots; they’re now banned from consuming alcohol in the 12 hours prior to a flight. United pilots said they’re fine waiting until takeoff to get hammered.

Doctors are concerned about pregnant women smoking marijuana to deal with morning sickness. They say marijuana may impact fetal brain development, but admit the haze of smoke released during childbirth is kinda cool, and that the newborns are really chill.

Iowa Representative Steve King told a group of conservatives that humanity might not exist if not for rape and incest throughout human history. King then accepted the conservative group’s award for Smartest Man In Iowa.

The Barrington, Rhode Island team representing New England in the Little League World Series is denying sign-stealing accusations by the manager of the runner-up team from New Hampshire. Rhode Island’s manager denied the sign-stealing, saying he’s rubber and New Hampshire is glue.

Citing critical vulnerabilities in its software, Microsoft warned users of its Windows 10 operating system to update immediately — then immediately wait five hours for the update to finish.

Four Loko is introducing what it calls “the hardest seltzer in the Universe” at 14% alcohol by volume. The release date is unknown, but everyone assumes it coincides with the Gathering Of The Juggalos.

A man died during a taco eating contest at a minor league baseball game – he leaves behind a hard shell.

A French researcher studying ancient skeletons said Neanderthal men exposed to water and cold air suffered from “surfer’s ear”. He claims Neanderthals fell in the water more often due to difficulty staying upright surfing on pteradactyl beaks.

41% of millennials say they’ve considered skipping a friend’s wedding because they couldn’t afford the expenses. The other 59% are cool with their parents buying a gift.

Video circulated of Conor McGregor sucker-punching an old man in a Dublin, Ireland bar in a fight about whiskey — or, as it’s more commonly known, Irish Ultimate Fighting.

 

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The World Health Organization reports that, by the end of the century, cancer will be the Number One cause of death globally — causing a huge sigh of relief from obese people with heart disease who misunderstood the report.

The 27th season cast of  ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars was revealed on Tuesday morning, including Bobby Bones; Tinashe; & ‘Grocery Store Joe’.  ABC also announced that for season 28, the show’s name will be changed to ‘Dancing With Whoever’s Left’.

President Trump called the U.S.’ disaster relief response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico – where over 2,900 residents died – an ‘unsung success’. A day later, the President clarified that thousands of people would have sung about the great care they received, but they were dead.

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, a romance/suspense novelist who once wrote an essay entitled ‘How To Murder Your Husband’, was arrested and charged with killing her husband. Her defense attorney declined comment, but said privately that “you really need to admire her follow-through.”

Rapper/actor Bow Wow, commenting in the wake of the overdose death of rapper Mac Miller, admitted his past addiction to cough syrup. Bow Wow said that he drank ‘lean’ – a combination of promethazine/codeine-based syrup and soft drinks – every day, adding that he was originally prescribed the drugs for a severe kennel cough.

A study on Bankrate.com revealed that the lowest-income U.S. households spend $412 annually on lottery tickets, nearly four times the national average of $105. The same study reveals that persons living in these poor households are also four times more likely to contract carpal scratch-off syndrome.

Microsoft announced its Windows 10 operating system updates for October. The ‘Snipping Tool’ for screengrabs is being phased out, replaced by ‘Snip & Sketch’. CEO Satya Nadella praised the move, saying it saves users having to open a second program to draw penises on the faces captured onscreen.

Reverend Christian Ohazulume, a Roman Catholic priest, has been charged with sexually assaulting a young girl while staying in her family’s home in 2006.  Reached at the Vatican for comment, Pope Francis said “Girl? That’s different.”

Kim Kardashian’s new prank show, ‘You Kiddin’ Me?’, debuts on Facebook Live on September 22nd. The show displays the Kardashian/Jenner family playing practical jokes on each other while your personal data is stolen and sold.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst filed for divorce from his wife of six years, Kseniya. Durst cited irreconcilable differences, specifically, the inability to do it all for the nookie.