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Drew Barrymore said she lost 20 pounds for her role as a flesh-eating zombie in the Netflix series Santa Clarita Diet, because someone who only eats protein should look more lean. She’s now working on looking “embarrassed to be taking money” for an upcoming role in a Netflix Adam Sandler movie.

A Trump Organization helicopter carrying Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from Washington D.C. to New York returned to the airport mid-flight due to an engine failure. They scrambled to get a commercial flight, which they almost missed since Jared’s security risk is so bad he can’t qualify for TSA Pre.

New York magazine said that departed White House Communications Director Hope Hicks tried to leave her job twice before finally resigning last month. Her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders blocking the door.

Former Glee cast member Naya Rivera sang songs on Instagram to audition for the role of Maria in a revival of West Side Story. Producers, however, liked what they saw of Rivera’s battery arrest for beating up her husband last year, and cast her in a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets.

Massachusetts State Rep Michelle Dubois is asking to rename the ‘General Hooker Entrance’ at the statehouse – named for Civil War Union General Joseph Hooker -because it’s demeaning to women. Some male politicians support the move, as long as the General Hooker Entrance is replaced with an entrance for Specific Hookers. [h/t to J. Ost.]

A driver in California crashed his car through the front of a Taco Bell in Danville. The driver was fourth in line for medical treatment behind the three people who had just finished their Nacho Fries.

Walmart is partnering with gig-worker startup Handy to offer in-home setup of Walmart furniture – not to be confused with the Handy part-time Walmart employees are offering next to the merchandise pickup bay to help make ends meet.

IBM has created a computer smaller than a grain of salt – that it won’t dare sell to anyone over age 50.

Toys R Us stores – all of which will be closed or sold as the company liquidates – have started clearance sales, leading to some amazing deals, and the most epic fistfights between toddlers that you’re ever going to see.

President Trump tweeted to celebrate the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, just two days before he was to collect his pension for decades of government service. Trump then donned a top hat and black cape to await the foreclosure of a dairy farm where the 30-year-old wife can’t make the payments because her husband is away fighting the war.

 

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The White House banned staffers’ use of personal cell phones in the West Wing. President Trump believes that this is necessary to improve his odds of claiming a cash prize in HQ Trivia.

Thomas Monson, President of the Mormon Church, died at age 90. Donations to the church are requested in lieu of flowers, because that could get expensive sending them to all eight of his wives.

Subaru announced its largest vehicle, the Ascent SUV. It has 19 cup holders and seats eight — two of them on toilets.

It was revealed that a security flaw exists in almost all Intel microprocessors that makes them susceptible to attack. Experts believe that this creates the largest-ever credible alibi for how that porn got on your computer.

Hanson Fitness, a SoHo gym in NYC, will offer a nude full-body-conditioning class starting January 5th. It’s believed to be the first class of its kind, in that all participants are offered blindfolds.

The father of a girl who stabbed her classmate in an offering to the fictitious ‘Slender Man’, is angry that Sony Pictures is releasing a Slender Man movie, without so much as giving his daughter an audition.

Yahoo Sports released video of Olympic snowboarder Shaun White smashing his face on the lip of a half-pipe in New Zealand, requiring over 60 stitches. They’re now calling him The Flying Tomato…Sauce.

Taco Bell is adding seasoned Nacho Fries to their menu in January, and will train counter staff to ask customers if they want fries with their ulcers.

Macy’s is closing more stores and announced 5,000 layoffs. So before you ask if that register is open, the answer is no.

Donald Trump’s personal lawyers sent a cease & desist letter to the publisher of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House . The letter claims that the book contains false & baseless claims, and fewer pop-ups than the author promised.